I'll try to put my experience to words, for there is an incredible difference between women who embrace their feminine and those who reject it. And just because you accept it does not make you weak, nor does it mean you cannot hold positions of 'power' that have traditionally been viewed as masculine.
Please do. I want to print it out and maybe give to my wife. I recall you posted a list some time ago about the difference between how a woman and a girl feels about herself sexually. I thought that was also very good.
I think it begins with how we understand 'power.' The masculine is the power of the physical world, a disciplined control of mind/body/spirit.
The feminine is the power of the emotional world, a disciplined surrender of the mind/body/spirit.
Those two worlds in balance, to me, create harmony. We all have male/female aspects. What energy we choose to develop varies from person to person. When these energies become disproportionate, especially opposite gender energy, it creates confusion, sorrow, strife and loneliness.
I have a very strong male aspect, and given my childhood, and misunderstanding/disrespect of the feminine, I rejected all things feminine, and worked very hard to develop my masculine. In so doing, I threw myself even further out of balance.
I think what initially brought my attention to what I had done to myself (and had been done to me), thus throwing me into an imbalance, was having children, and the natural instincts that kick in for a women with that experience. It was incredibly painful for me, for the intimacy that exists between a mother and child was almost more than I could bear.
That imbalance within me created all kinds of problems in my relationships, too, for I was constantly fighting for 'alpha' position, and then when I got it... I lost respect for the man who gave it up. I had all kinds of experience in fighting and competing. I had no understanding whatsoever what it meant to surrender... and that the act of surrendering takes as much faith and courage, and strength of will, as it does to fight.
The power of surrendering is not an act of 'concession,' nor is it even a form of passive resistance (i.e, I'll back off now so I can live to fight another day). The act of surrendering is a very keen understanding and awareness of synergy; release of ego; loss of physical control, and having the presence and courage to withstand the ride. The mental/emotional/physical/spiritual experiences I have in accepting my natural feminine--that makes me smile--can dam near bring my bf to his knees; the same way that things inherently masculine--that I am just not equipped to handle--would bring me to my knees. Doesn't mean I can't do those things, because I have. But in doing one, I always feel out of balance, I feel as though I am always struggling or resisting something -- but doing the other, just comes... naturally... if I allow it (scared me at first), and it... works... things click... I'm at ease. One way of being makes me feel as though I'm working against the current; the other way of being makes me feel as though I am going with the current.
And it is EASY to spot people who do this, both men and women.
That does not mean my life is absent of stress or struggles; I just approach those stresses and struggles in a much more... feminine... way. It doesn't mean I don't have anxiety, or feel self-doubt... I do.
And Xue, you are right. The power of the feminine can undo the masculine, and it is a very sad sight to see, at least to me, when a woman knowingly abuses her power. I'll bet anything you all know of at least one woman who does this or who has done this.
I think I'm blathering...
But Xue... your wife is not embracing her feminine in the face of your masculine... and it could very well be she just doesn't know how. It is very scary for her. She will probably, at times, create drama just so she 'knows what to do.'
The power of the feminine can undo the masculine, and it is a very sad sight to see, at least to me, when a woman knowingly abuses her power. I'll bet anything you all know of at least one woman who does this or who has done this.
The emotional damage she can do in abusing her feminine power is akin, I think, to the physical/mental abuse a man can inflict upon a woman. Just for comparison sake. The end result is the same; the methods are just different.
So afterwards I decide to make a move. She's a little drunk and this has proved in the past to not be the time. But the night had been affectionate so I persist anyway.
I sit on the couch next to her and I'm obvious about what I'm doing. So I put my hand on her leg. She does not move away but there's a little uneasyness. We continue to talk. But here's the thing. It caused what I can only describe as a panic attack in me. I really felt like I was going to have a heart attack. However I persisted. I kept my hand there and continued to talk. It was really scary but I pushed through. I didn't really expect that kind of reaction in my own body.
So I didn't actually die.
I do think that pushing through it has had some transformative effect in myself. Maybe in her too. Not sure where that takes me but wanted to post it.
Nice job. two thumbs up. You felt fear, you used courage, and you gained confidance. Keep it up. see how simple it is? Yeah right.
What do you mean that isnt the right time? Would you give a more in depth description of how it goes- when it goes wrong?
How often did you initiate in the early part of your R? With how you have been describing you W, I wouldnt be surprised if it wasnt very much. If this is correct, this may be what she wants you to 'get'. Instead of asking her, try it out.
How often do you touch your wife? How often do you hug her/pick her up/ pat her on the butt/ slide the back of your hand down her arm/ run your fingertips over her neck/play her hair/ play with her ears/lips/nose/eyelids, hug her from behind/ slide your hands under her shirt(on her tummy) etc? If she defers, you will *know* if its irritation, or if its playful, but only if your not presuming rejection/ in your own head. Watch her for her reaction, (not like a bug in a jar) instead of watching yours or being overwhelmed by it. When she is uneasy, DO NOT let it make you uneasy. Mirroring is not your job.
one way to get in a good frame of mind is to think of a similar situation where you have a good frame of mind. When you are instructing your students, do you have any qualms or second thoughts about moving them around, changing their stance, or changing their form? You dont think about it you just do it, right? Your not presuming rejection from them or a push away. Think about how you feel in that situation, and carry it into your next interaction.
What do you mean that isnt the right time? Would you give a more in depth description of how it goes- when it goes wrong?
I believe she becomes more apt to reject when she has been drinking. Although early in the relationship it was quite the opposite.
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How often did you initiate in the early part of your R? With how you have been describing you W, I wouldnt be surprised if it wasnt very much.
Pretty often but initiation was pretty simple back then. We both wanted it all the time. Immediatly after we got married it dropped from almost every night to once or twice a week. At that time I became the initiator. I think I did initiate more often but that's when the rejection started. Can't remember the specifics to tell the truth. I do remember one night being very angry over it though. That night may have had quite an effect on the R.
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How often do you touch your wife? How often do you hug her/pick her up/ pat her on the butt/ slide the back of your hand down her arm/ run your fingertips over her neck/play her hair/ play with her ears/lips/nose/eyelids, hug her from behind/ slide your hands under her shirt(on her tummy) etc?
Several years ago it was constantly. And at that time I think she loved it. But for the last 3 years that has been nearly impossible. She would constantly position herself in a defensive position. Unreachable. Lately I've been able to do it a little bit. She doesn't always pull away anymore but she is very uneasy.
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one way to get in a good frame of mind is to think of a similar situation where you have a good frame of mind. When you are instructing your students, do you have any qualms or second thoughts about moving them around, changing their stance, or changing their form? You dont think about it you just do it, right?
Yes this is true. And it is even true when she is my student.
I posted this over on my thread just a few minutes ago, but if you don't make it over there, maybe this will help you. Some stuff I've been going through for the past few days.
K. I think this is going to cover masculine/feminine energy, processing feelings, and getting 'stuck.'
I've been having 'words' with the ex over the past few days on an issue. I have to say, I can pull out the stops on my masculine energy and ramp up to battle mode with that man faster than greased lightning. I won't even go into all the emotions that invade my body...
I could feel it happening. I had to keep the 'end goal' in mind, even though it would have felt, at least for a moment, so wonderful to let loose all those emotions roiling through me. I was doing an okay job of it.
When my masculine energy, IN ME, starts to emerge, I begin to emotionally withdraw from the world. A form of 'protection' as I prepare myself for battle. This is what my emotions are directing me to do. Everything feminine in me begins to fade.
However. **I** did not want this to occur. But whether I wanted it or not, I was struggling so hard against myself, and quite honestly, what I wanted was taking a back seat to my emotions.
I didn't spew. I knew what was going on... and in the midst of this, my bf is in the pix, and he has no clue what is going on with me, other than seeing this very stoic, controlled Corri, who was trying really hard not to take his head off for things that had zero meaning. My emotions were seeking an outlet.
I got stuck. My attraction and attractiveness dropped, my sex drive fell off the map, I didn't want to touch, I didn't want to be touched. THIS IS A PROBLEM for me. This is not ME deciding this. These are my emotions taking control.
I explained to bf what was going on with me. Asked him to give me a bit of space and some time to work through my 'stuff.' I wanted to set aside my emotions to 'connect' with him, especially sexually... I just couldn't get there. The best I could do in the moment was tell him what was going on, and STOP my mental nitpicking of his behaviors that were bugging the ever living fck out of ME.
Next day, I was still dealing with the ex. I was concentrating on doing what I KNOW works with him, rather than giving in and entering into battle mode (getting in the sh!t) with him. And oh, boy, I so wanted to. I kept reminding myself of MY objective. I got there. I don't know that I got there as well as I might have, but... I'm going to call it a personal victory (of keeping my feminine energy up enough to stay on task)... as I DIDN'T give in to my emotions demands.
And now I'm fcking exhausted. This is the struggle I've been talking about... the emotions are there. Period. They were extremely intense, and there intensity was going up and down over the past two days, as I battled myself internally. I have no right to let loose my emotions on anyone... not my ex, not my bf, not even against myself. They just have to be ridden out... and NOT buried. As the intensity has subsided, I can now talk about them and let the last of them wash through.
I went and worked out this morning for an hour, then I went and danced for an hour, to help my body flush it all through.
There is nothing good or bad about my emotions, per se. They are mine. What I choose to do with them is another matter. I'd rather be in a feminine state of energy as I decide what to do with them, for it feels more natural to me, easier, if I can stay there. If my masculine takes over, I struggle, I fight myself, I fight others, I can't 'deal' with life so well, and any little stress might 'set me off.'
To get back to where I want to be, I think of my 'purpose,' and how I want to live my life. I keep in mind how wonderful I feel in the feminine, I set a very, very short-term goal of getting through the immediate internal 'crisis,' and proceed as best I can.
I'd probably benefit right now from a really good, long cry, just to get rid of any lingering residue. If that feeling hits, I'm going to let it happen. For my overall health, and the health of my current R.
I posted over on MoJo's thread yesterday, griping and moaning about my current R and bf, and all these decisions I think I have to make, yadda, yadda, yadda. That's DRAMA. That's me attempting to rip stuff apart and create a really BIG personal crisis, so I can operate from a lifetime of habit (what SEEMS easy). On the surface, it is. Giving into that, however, and dealing with what comes next, is anything BUT easy, and keeps me out of kilter. I KNOW that.
This is me confronting myself and I don't like it, not one little bit. But too bad, so sad for me. Liking it isn't the objective. It being EASY isn't the objective. Changing the habit, changing my patterns, recovering my feminine IS.
If I wanted to be RIGHT, more than any of these other things, I'd have quite a mess on my hands right now.
I hope this helps. I'm sure I'm blathering, but I'm not quite back to center yet... sorry.
Hey Xue just dropped in for a look at whats happening on your side of the world. Seems to be you are back in the pit of thought - remember behaviour speaks louder and non of us can inside someone else's head things worked better for you when you watched rather than thought about why and things changed when you did stuff for you too much intellect stop being clever about it all Xue human emotions are much simpler than you are thinking go back to basics
I might be wrong here (after a quick look at all the posts) but your intellectualising again
close your eyes and feel then open them and watch stick with what works
bj
ps I love that you are so intellectual sure you don't have a twin in Australia he and I could have great conversations
You have helped me understand my wife (and myself) a bit further. Thanks. However what you are talking about does not sound like masculine and feminine energy to me but just plain anger. Something my wife and I have both been working on dealing with in ourselves. Jogging helps. Yoga helps. Kung Fu helps. And most recently seeing where I got it (good ole Mom and Dad) and how nasty and unattractive it looks on them was a big detterent. Yeeeeeecccchhhhkkk.
Blackfoot. I haven't really seen any patterns anymore. Used too. However when a little too much wine is consumed she tends to get more selfish and have an angrier attitude. Goes for me too.
BJ, well not that I know of over there. But I'll keep it in mind. I did just meet my brother who I haven't seen since he was 9. (32 now) What a freakin trip. Didn't grow up together but I've never met anyone so much like myself. I've never had such an instant friend in my life either. Spent almost a week hanging out and couldn't stop talking the whole time. W really enjoyed it too.
However going back to Blackfoot, when she showed up for that weekend at Tahoe (she hadn't planned on going but when I took off to have some fun for the weekend she called once I was there and said she was on the way, funny huh. Yeah BJ I know you would have predicted that) She was pretty nasty when she got there. After a bit she told me she had had a really rough day and had to hang with someone she really couldn't stand. She had been affectionate when I left but when she showed up she was far from it. After a few drinks it didn't get better.
So anyway back to BJ. Yes you are right I definetely tend to do that. But no I have not been to much. I have realized some things but they have been more about me and that's good. I'm actually pretty amazed at myself at how I can make an internal change pretty quickly now.
I know I'm all over things with this post but here's an interesting story. And it's about me not the R. But I do think it is related to the changes in me from dealing with the R.
So every day I take my dogs to the river. Day before yesterday we go and nearly get into a car accident on the way. Guy follows me and is steaming mad. Starts yelling accusations at me and is ready to throw down. He's pretty big, bodybuilder type, tattoed everywhere. So I just calmly apologize and actually have a little conversation. At the end he's apologizing to me and wishing me a nice day.
So I walk off down the river as usual. I get about a half a mile down and I'm totally thinking about other things, I had totally forgotten about the near fight situation, when I realize that that in itself is a bit weird. I was so unconcerned that not one molecule of adrenaline ever hit my bloodstream. Nothing. I was almost bored by it. So much so that I forgot about it until later when I realized how weird it was that I forgot about it.
It made me pretty happy. Felt like some sort of sage or something. I think I'll email my buddhist priest friend and tell him about it. I somehow think he'll have a comment.
And on the home front. Yes things are getting better. Still slow as hell but I do notice changes as small as they are. She flirts with me more. Touches more. When I walked in to a social gathering last night and saw her she came up to kiss me. Things are moving along.
I'd use the term agonizingly slow but it's not. I'm not agonizing over it a bit. And the truth of it is that I think that's what's making the change. It takes away the blame.
Well this was going to be a quick post but oh well.
