Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it

BryanS I think you are right. I believe mine may be having a MLC right now as well. I think he is not sure what is going on. I mean we are only 35 but he has a lot of the signs. My other thought is he has always said he would not live to see 38 so that is now 3 years away so I think he is taking stock on his life so to speak. I am going to hang in there though. I am in this for the long haul.

As for the nuts thing I think we all feel it at times. I was totally out of my mind yesterday and he does that to me. I do not think he even realizes it is him and the situation. I think he is starting to think that is how I am so I need to stop that behavior and just be myself and be happy around him.

I can relate to that. We had 4 uncrazy years. Then we have our baby. I struggle with Post partum depression. He has EA, maybe more. I go crazy. Now I have been labeled eternally crazy as if it is me and not the circumstances. My being "crazy" has allowed him to put all the blame and responsibility on me to justify his staying out for days on end, not coming home when he says he is on his way, moving out, buying a new cell phone to talk to OW and not seeing his kids more than once in over 2 weeks.

Sorry, I know I have behaved badly on several occasions, but his behavior is pretty darn crazy too! Sometimes I get so frustrated. He throws things I've done in my face and I say, "Yes, I realize that was inappropriate. I take responsibility for my part in this. I am sorry." Does he reciprocate? Hell no. He says, "I'm glad you realize that. I just don't feel safe around you. You might provoke me again. You put me in jail." Blah, blah, blah. "I'll meet you to see the kids but there better be people and cameras around". Excuse me. He's the one who put his fist in my face. After three weeks I still have a bumb and a scar on my lip.

So, yeah. Crazy is not good. It just makes us look bad and makes things worse. The sooner you can get that under control the better. Doesn't mean you won't still feel crazy and out of control. You just can't let him see or know it.

Remember who you really are, because that is the person he fell in love with and probably still loves. That is what we have to remember. Ours spouses married us of their own free will because they were in love with us. We are still those people. We just forget to act like it. We have to remind them by demonstrating we are bigger and stronger than our situations. Easier said than done, but completely necessary.

It is good that you are taking some of the accountability. This is good. As far of the MLC there are triggers and indicators, as I have read and experienced. You mentioned your H is around a younger generation, mine also as he is an old man in a punk rock club. Most of my H's transitional friends are not even his age! He does not drive around with carseats anymore! We have had classic triggers. The death of an elderly loved one that many people did not respect. The funeral where not a lot of people even paid respects. His balding head in our family photos. He was jumped and assaulted at work. Job stress. Aging parents. Sense of mortality. And the biggest thing -the birth of our son! Yes. The most joyous thing in the world can create a sense that one's life is over for a man in MLC. Some marriage therapists believe the child centered family is also harmful to a marriage, when all the focus is on the kids. But HELLO you have two babies! I guess they mean to find alone time if at all possible. We practiced and were commited to attachment parenting. Maybe our H's are patrying together as we put our kids to bed every night. Are you even sleeping at all? Is your baby sleeping through the night? Night nursing?

I know I'm snooping, but I checked his new phone acct. In 2 weeks he's used 102 minutes... In one day, he called his OW 20 times, but the longest call was 4 min... I know she is in a relationship with another man, whom I've spoken to, of 4 yrs. She has a son from another relationship that her current partner has become like a father to. He is sure that my H and her are "Just very good friends." I think he's in denial a bit, but it means she hasn't fully jeopardized her relationship. Maybe she won't. My H is gone and seems to be pursuing her.

ON the original phone bill, before The Bomb, he spent nearly 300 minutes on the cell phone with her in a 2 week period.

I know I'm just driving myself crazy, but I interpret this info 2 ways. Either they are together all the time and don't need to talk on the phone, or things are fizzling out. Her boyfriend would be an idiot to let her hang out with him all the time.

Regardless, he isn't coming around here. The last I spoke with him, things were calm and civil. I asked him to come help with the kids because I was moving. I didn't beg, just asked and said I would appreciate it. He said he would and would bring dinner. He seemed very receptive and said he missed the kids a lot. Should have left it there, but I messed up and said I would like him to come home and that I sincerely wanted the craziness to end. He said ok. He never showed and never called. I called once about 5 hours later to let him know the kids were asleep. Of course he didn't answer; I just left a message. That was Sat. night.

Anyway, I have fine tuned my game plan for putting the LRT to work and going dark. He has 2 ways to reach me. My cell and the home office. He usually calls the home office b/c he knows I always answer and there is no caller ID to screen. I will be adding caller ID this week. In the mean time, it will go to voice mail.

I'm going to wait for him to call 3-4 times before I return or answer a call. This is, of course the exact opposite of what I usually do.

The only discussion up for grabs is to make arrangements to see the kids. If he brings up finances or other issues I have been pushing lately, I will avoid them by saying I am too busy to talk or saying I will have to think about it and get back to him. Even arrangements for the kids will be thought about first. Let him wait for my call. He's said, more than once, when I have suggested he see the kids that it has nothing to do with the kids and that it is about me wanting to see him. "Just say you want me back" or "Just ssy you feel lost and empty" I always end up approaching some other issue about what his plans are, what he wants now, does he want a D, etc. That part has to stop dead in its tracks. I'm basically just telling him "get on with it already." That's not what I want.

Ok, so. I will only discuss, briefly, the kids. I will not bring up any other topics. Anything he brings up, I will get back to him on. I will be upbeat and light in my tone and conversation. Nothing too serious.

Based on his word, I am assuming his paycheck is going direct dep tomorrow. If it does, I will leave well enough alone. Pay all the bills as always and continue to allow him access to our acct. This is very hard for me, b/c it means I have to see where he is and spending money we don't have. This is how I found out about the new cell and that he went to the same restaurant I took him to last month for our anniversary. Can you believe that, while we were out on our date, he bought a vegan cook book (I am a vegan chef) right in front of me, and it was for someone else! Guess who. Anyway, he went there the other day and spent enough for 2. What a slap in the face. It was after that, that I angrily told him to get his own acct and cut me a check every month.

I keep side tracking. The bank acct is going to be very hard for me to not react to, but I have to. This is my last resort! I can't slip up again. If he wants to separate any more, he has to do it. I'm not helping (or pushing) any more. I'm pulling back, detaching a bit, and waiting for his next move. I hate playing chess with him. I've been playing pretty aggessively out of fear and anger. Now I'm going to pull back and not make any moves except what is absolutely necessary on the defense.

Any feedback or additional suggestions to my plan will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks to everyone who has esponded so far. This place is a life saver!

My infant sleeps pretty well. Nurses once during the night. It's my 2 year old that wakes up crying several times during the night. We practiced attachment parenting also. We have a big family bed. Didn't help our sex life, I guess, but I knew it was only temporary. Guess my husband was overwhelmed with responsibility and neglected at the same time. Poor guy.

Oh, yeah. My husband said at one point "I feel like I am at a crossroads. I want to pursue my interests." I replied, "What kind of interests do you have that you can't share with your family who love you? Unless it is wild orgie sex, I think we can co-exist." He said he wants to pursue art,music, photography. I say great, but why does that require leaving your family? He said he wants time to be himself. The way I see it, he was getting plenty of time while I was lucky to get a 10 minute shower to myself in the morning.

Does this thinking seem unrational to anyone else? I guess WAS are anything but rational.

Guess I'm still a bit angry.

This would all be SOOO much easier if H's would be straight up with us. Tell us what is going on with them. Be honest from the get go.

But we all know it doesnt' happen that way. The lying about OW is what has drove me so crazy through all this. I too was out there driving around trying to catch them at all hours of the night. Driving down the interstate crying my fool head off because I knew he was with her and I couldn't find them.

I so believed and still do that if I could catch them than it would take away the excitement of the R they have and the game would be over. That them maybe H would have to decide what he's going to do. That maybe with the excitement over he'd decide to end their R.

I gave up. Had to for my sanity and for my girls. I still check with other people to see where he's at or if he was home last night. Try not to but still happens. Just makes me miserable. My mind runs rampant thinking of them together. I am trying so hard to just get him out of my head. As far as he knows, i've gone "dark". Don't call him cept for necessities. Don't go to see him. When he's around I just am pleasant but don't start any conv or ask any questions. When he goes to leave I no longer ask him to stay longer or follow him to the door.

I guess bottom line is I'm trying to give H and our M up to God. And pray that He'll watch over us both. That He will help my H get through this terrible storm. That He will help us find each other again when the time is right. Time, it all comes down to time...

How long have you been dark? How has the response been? Anything yet?

Does he try and take the kids around OW? This is one of my big fears. He hasn't really been around to see the kids, but I know he will eventually and dread him taking them to meet OW.

About 3 weeks. Up until this weekend it seemed to not be working. At least to get anything from H. For me and the girls it is so much more peaceful for us. Probably easier for us all to deal with. No confrontations, no hurt from H.

Friday night I went out and he knew it. He called my phone 8-10 times. Wanting to know where I was, then went to accusations. I quit answering. He was out looking for me. Ended up coming here and threw a major drunken fit. I called the cops, he left b4 then got here.

My take on the deal:
Wow!! Was really starting to believe he didn't care. He seen me before I left. Felt the reaction. I looked "good" and he seen that. Drove him crazy that I wouldn't say where I was. That he couldn't find me. Then for me not to answer his calls for once. Wow! Threw him over the edge.
or
OW was out of town?... If she'd had been home... He'd of went to her to drowned his feelings for me.

Don't know but regardless of what is was, why, or what happened. Maybe just maybe he does still care, he's noticed I've lost weight and look "good". And maybe he's second guessing his choices?...

Time will tell.....

Sorry Neph,

Forgot the part of OW and the kids.

First and formost, my H has to admit that there is a OW and bring her out of hiding. Everyone knows, they are only fooling themselves. But so far he has not admitted to anyone that I know of.

When and if this happens he'll need good luck because both D's won't want anything to do with this woman that took their dad away and cause so much turmoil and pain in their lives. Their feelings not mine.