Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again When to move back in together?

Can anyone share some insight about the process of moving back in together?

My H tells me that he wants to live together again because it will force him to work on things and be less selfish.

I am thinking that I would like to see him be less selfish BEFORE we live together again.

I have been working hard at understanding and attempting to meet his needs, but he admits that he is unsure if he wants to meet mine. He says that we have not had a passionate connection for so long that it gives him 'pause' when he thinks about making the effort to meet my needs.

I said that the passion will return if we meet each other's basic needs and work on erasing the resentment. He seems to want to have the intense passion he had with the OW in our marriage, right away. If it isn't there then he hesitates putting forth the effort.

He takes so much and gives so little. Do I wait for him to start treating me well, then agree to move back in together, or do I agree to get together and wait/watch for him to start treating me better?

I don't understand how I can live with him again when I don't think he is able/willing to protect my heart. Do I make the jump into living in a marriage without trust, hoping and working to restore it, OR, do I wait for the trust to return and only then live together?

The Girl

Doesn't that kind of say it all right there?

Who had the affair...




Ya, that works, force it. (shaking head)



Kinda answered yourself at the start of this post.

good luck from another in the PNW



cire

Well, you need to think of the girls too. If H moves back in and then decides "nope, not gonna work" and moves back out, they are going to be confused.

I am somewhat torn on the answer though, but I would say start "dating" first. See how things progress and if he's truly committed to working on getting your M where it needs to be.

He could move back in and then just be resentful for feeling "forced." He needs to figure out what he really wants before things can move forward.

I guess my answer would be to wait for awhile. Just softly and lovingly say that you think it might be beneficial to date for awhile and get your R rekindled and then move toward working on your M, does that make sense?

I would say that you should definitly wait on that. I agree with cadesmom about the affect it would have on the kids. It would confuse them.

I would wait on the moving back in part. I tell you this from experience. My H moved back in and I definitly wish I had taken a different road. It was wonderful for 2 weeks, then it all of a sudden stopped. Butterfly feeling werent there. Maybe you should talk to your H about what you expect and maybe even see if he would go to MC with you. They could help you ease back into living together again. It is never the same after they move out.

Good Luck

We had a good date last night, though its hard conversing about difficult matters. It is exactly like a very long extension cord that is in a huge knot. We are trying to untangle it to get it to work.

I have changed in a very important way: I hold my tongue a lot. I think deeply about what to say and how to say it. He is a person who hates being told what to do, and has almost entirely refused to fulfill my needs/desires for the past 5 years. So, regarding the issue of trust, here is what I came up with. I wrote this to him earlier this evening.

"How are you planning on showing me that I can trust you again? If you say I shoud trust you, what are you going to do to prove that I can?

This way, he can tell me what he can or can't do. My job is to hear him, and then consider if that is good enough for me. If it isn't, I am just going to say, "I am sorry, but that won't be enough for me now". IF he comes up with a sober list of things he will do, then I will see his seriousness and I can say, "OK. that sounds great. As soon as I really see you doing what you say then we will seriously plan on moving in together again."

In this way I am attempting to gauge his seriuosness without dumping demands and expectations on him, which he has almost totally ignored previously. I am also not telling him what to do. I am asking what he will do. I am also trying to keep my conversation as concise as possible. When I blab on and on it makes no difference at all.

So this is my new technique that I will watch for positive results.

This is like a chess game!

The Girl

There's a great book called "Getting Back Together." It's really helped me understand the positive side to separation, how to use it construtively (for healing and growth) and healthy steps for reconciliation. Good luck to you!

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Back-Together-Relationship-Partner/dp/1558508627

Thanks for the book suggestion, I will buy it.

maybe I should jump over to the 'We're separated, now what?' forum. I just don't know what the situation is. Is he really having a MLC? I asked him about it and he denied it.

He has not responded at all, or even mentioned the email I sent him about what he is going to do to show me I can trust him.

Now I am trying to decide if I should ask him if he has forgotten about it, or if he is thinking about it.

Probably I need to not say anything. Let his actions speak for themselves.

I feel more and more confident about just watching him, waiting to see what he will do. I also am gaining some self esteem, realizing that I don't have to take back a man who treats me poorly. I think this separation has done a universe of good for me.

He came over last night and we had a nice dinner. He spent the night, camped out in our daughter's room, after we had a rather intimate time together. I give him elaborate, full body massages. He never reciprocates. He just takes. I guess I feel like if I don't give something, we will have no relationship at all. He told me he really enjoyed it and thanked me. It was the most positive time we have had in months.

Tonight I am itching to know if he is hanging out with OW...

I need to get a life!

I am thinking that if he drags out this OW thing and keeps contacting her that I may say that I will see other people too. It isn't fair that he is the only one considering his options.

I am feeling stronger than ever. And hopeful. It's scary. I don't want to be hurt again.

The girl

The Girl,

Everything you are doing sounds good. I agree with Cadesmom and Kissak that you should not rush back into living together. I like the way you structured the letter asking him what he will do. I don't like that he hasn't answered the letter. Perhaps he is taking his time to think about it. That would be alright.

I suggest that you get a babysitter for one weekend and go to Retrouvaille. Here's a thread explaining a lot about Retrouvaille. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1174723&page=0&fpart=1

You should make the Retrouvaille weekend a requirement before he can move back in, if you decide to let him come back. Then you can continue with the Post sessions together. The Post sessions deal a lot with rebuilding the marriage and accomodating each other. It sounds like you have figured a lot of stuff out on your own, but H still needs instruction.

Sara,
He has agreed to go to Retrouvaille and I am actually in the registration process right now. The weekend we will go is in mid October.

We have had a great week together. Having fun with our little daughters, laughing and telling jokes like old times.

We have been watching the old Dr. Zhivago. We have both really enjoyed it, except that the adultery scenes are painfully too close to our story. Ugh. It is most painful that Dr. Zhivago deeply loves his mistress, who is a good woman. His wife is also a good woman, and he cares for her, but all his passion is wrapped up in his mistress.

Yeah, so what. I am sure I could go have a passionate romance with another man, too. But what's the point, going for thrill after thrill? I am cynical. I don't know at all what men want, or what actually keeps them satisfied. Probably our life would be a lot more content if he went blind.

Things are going steadily well. I continue to watch and wait for him to initiate R talks.

If he lets me down again I will be so crushed. I can't believe I had to endure the stupid affair, all the anger over the OW and now I have to pick up and stick my heart on the line again. I definately trust God. The problem is with man.

The Girl

The Girl,

It will all get better. You do need the Retrouvaille. Congratulations on getting him to agree....that is a huge step.

Dr. Zhivago is my H's favorite movie. I wonder if it is the 2 women thing. It is, after all, just a romantic story set in historically exciting times -- not a biography. It's supposed to tug at your heartstrings, not be a sad reminder of your own life. But, what is, is. I love your statement that it would all be better if he were blind. LOL.

Yes. It is amazing that what you have to do is let him get away with the affair. When I told my friends what was going on with us, they all were dumbfounded when I got to the part about well, I just had to forgive him. Life isn't fair. I still do sometimes want my revenge, but I have held myself in check. And I will continue to. Life is too good to mess up.

The good thing is that Retrouvaille will make explicit all that you went through, and how open you are to forgive him. It will not just be something done silently, without any recognition of your hardship and your goodness. My husband would never have accepted me telling him such things. But when other people told it to him, he understood and valued it. That made me feel a lot better. (That and a beautiful new necklace that he bought me for my birthday.)

Good luck. Please let us know how the weekend goes. There are a lot of people here interested in it.