Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? DONNA--finding herself #15

There are too many songs like that on the radio--some days they give you strength, some days they take everything out from under you. And they can be the same song. Or, you might first think of it from your point of view, but then also the WAS'. I so get it.

I had a GREAT trip in Orlando!! There were 7 of us...

I just got off the phone with my friend on LI--our trip this weekend is on :0) And the house we are staying in has a pool, so hope to use that, and get to the OCEAN before the summer is officially over!!

Emailed H with kid dates for sports, open house. Told him to look at the school website for other dates, as I may miss something (he never even looked in the kids' backpacks either day this week! Guess that is my job at 7:30 at night). Also laid out the weekend schedule for Sept--Oct. No mush; just the facts. Oh, I want to be this strong ALL of the time! I remember the not-so-long-ago strong, confident me...she's on her way back.

Well, I would totally go out with you Nikki cuz I would love for your positivity to rub off on me. Bascially, I do not know any DBers my age in real life and meeting one would be cathartic to me. The only DBers I know are my mom's age.

Hey mk - I just saw you're in CA too! Northern CA by chance? Drop me an email if you want, nikkib@surewest.net
(just ignore my latest posts, negates your whole image of me.. ).

orlando must have been fun! glad you had a good time and glad you are going to come to boston.

have a great weekend. sounds like heaven.

CW's H just called me. I told him that I can't speak with him, and he said he heard about what happened on Monday and won't tell his wife that he spoke with me. He just needed the address number (the numbers are all messed up on my street) and the correct spelling of my name for his counter-suit. He is filing for D, citing adultery.

He told me that CW admitted that the first time they had sex was LAST July, not this past April as H had told me. Said that she went to MY house while the kids and I were in the city, and she just needed a hug, but it went way beyond that. They had sex in my basement. He asked if I could look back to my calendars last year and see what the exact date was.

So, more lies. After he has said repeatedly that there is nothing left to lie about.

I am using the 48 hour rule, but plan on confronting him with it on Monday or Tues, depending when she gets served (he asked that I wait until she is, as she doesn't even know the paperwork is coming).

I am a bit tight in the stomach, but not devestated. And I am done. This man has no respect for me, no respect for anything. He was sleeping with me up through this Feb.

I have to think about what this means for the kids. What kind of person has he become? What will be in the kids' best interest? I am thinking that I ask that he go into counseling before he continues seeing them unsupervised. I might have to think about sole custody, which is terrible. But, my God, where have his morals gone? How much lower can this whole thing go? I am grateful that I have the kids this weekend.

This is the moment. I can feel it. I don't want him back. He is not worthy of me, my children, or having his family. He deserves whatever hell he has brought himself to. I am angry and disappointed, but not enraged.

I wonder when he really left. But it doesn't matter, as I can't see anything working, now.

He wanted strong...he is going to regret that. He has no idea how strong I can be about my kids. What a waste...

Donna,

I'm surprised that you are surprised. Oldtimer and I have both been assuring you that he is still lying to you, particularly about the relationship with CW. It's true, adulterers are not above lying! You can't believe anything he says. He is trying to paint a picture of himself that is good and upstanding, and that just isn't the case. Look in your attic, there might be a portrait of him that is getting rather distorted looking. (Dorian Gray reference). You need to develop your 6th sense, the one that detects BS. It has a distinct odor. I'm sure if you start sniffing you will be able to discern it.

I started reading Dr. Harley's advice on Marriage Busters and he states that some affairs are like alcohol addiction. I am so paraphrasing, but it really struck me that some H's get caught and keep cheating and lying. So I guess for them it is not just going out and making a mistake and getting drunk, it is an ongoing addiction or sickness or disease. I actually wonder if it is possible for you to forgive the CW? She sounds like her life has been destroyed by all of this, too.

Has her H been trying to reconcile? I am so sorry for all this drama. You are an amazing mom to shelter them this way. I am not sure if your H will consider counseling for visitation. He might take that as an insult. I guess I am biased because my H is such a crack pot and is in denial. Even the most awful offenders get visitation.
MB: Resentment after Infidelity

Hi Nikki I am in the beautiful Wine Country and today I found my first fallen yellow leaf! I got so excited. Ya know I am still shy online. I mean you could be some 72 year old convict in San Quentin for all I know. I kid. Yeah, I know you're cute! At least that is my image of you.

mk - I'll reply on your thread rather than hijack Donna's further (sorry Donna!).

Donna - sorry for the latest news. I know it wasn't totally unexpected but still, had to be upsetting. Good job not letting it tear you up too much.

Donna,

There is NO REASON to confront him. You are not in an R with him in which you need to work through the infidelity and trust him not to cheat again. THERE IS NOTHING TO WORK OUT WITH HIM ON THIS ISSUE.

The start date of his A is irrelevant to your current sitch. You are parallel parents. Period. There are legal matters to address. Period.

It means nothing about the kids. The kids had a father yesterday who was having a PA with the neighbor. The kids have a father today who was having a PA with the neighbor.

There is also the question of STDs which I think you addressed, but I'm not sure. But, that is between you and your doctor. There is NO REASON to discuss the risk of STDs with H. You will NOT get trustworthy info from him.

Keep the fact that you have this information private. Do not tell BFF. Do not tell anyone right now. It may prove to be a useful trump card at settlement time. But, that is its ONLY use to you right now. Don't show your hand.