Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Please help in dealing with Hs affair!!!

Husband is right Nanah. And don't forget the other old saying...blood is thicker than water. Don't count on his family's loyalty. They are, after all, his family.

Not trying to make things worse for you. Just don't want you to be blindsided.

Hello everybody!

First off all thanks for replying, this really helps me a lot!

My day today:
H worked, I needed to come in and see what stock I'd have to buy.
I was in a good mood, sexy, joking, didn't ask about what he was doing yesterday at all. He asked me about everything though.

We were joking big time about the shopping list, coz in the last week we had been running out of a lot of stuff.
At the same time we were solving a hard crosswords - as we used to do every weekend.
I was very proud coz I found out the longest word. He kind of started tickeling me in the neck.
As I had been having a little pain exactly at that point all day long, I went like: Oh thanks, would you mind going on with doing that?
And he did for like a minute...

Now he just left - and we'll see each other again tomorrow at my/our place to go through the finances of the last months.

I feel like I have to pick up doing a list with MY aims before I'll see him again tomorrow.
Guess, it'll make me feel more secure.

Coz everything that happened between us today felt good - but strange at the same time....
Acutally like I had just fallen in love with him and wanted to make him realize it very slowly.... Just like it happened the other way around, when we first met.....

Do you think I am on a good way?

Thanks for being there,

nanah

Hi Nanah,
Sorry to hear about your situation. I have spoken to Laurie 4 times, she is a great DB counselor. I would highly recommend her. She was very helpful to me when I thought there was no hope for my marriage.

Ohhhhhh geee....

we saw each other from 4 pm to midnight tonight...
First meeting at (now) my place to go through the finances (which we didnt finish.)
Then working together from 6 pm to 9pm.
We had SO MUCH FUN....

Started off with him being more than one hour late.
I painted my nose red. (A bit like in DB) to not become angry.
He came in and laughed as soon as he saw me.
Told him WHY I did it.
He felt sorry for being late, it told him it was ok but that in the future I'd expect him to be in time.
He liked the idea of doing funny things if one of us was doing an "all of the same". And we were thinking about heaps of funny things we could do.

At work, it also felt ok to stand behind the bar together.
As he had gotten into an argument with his sister, we were talking about how he could maybe reslove it - eg.
Then at 9 I told him he could go home - if he liked to.
He didnt.
He stayed for three more hours.
There were moments where he started touching me just as if nothing happend (there is not a lot of space behind the bar)

And THEN:
In one very funny situation we had with our guests, he suddenly tried to KISS me.
HELLO?
He felt "sorry" for it just after it happend and hugged me and excused himself with like: ahum, sorry, old habit, I hope I did not go to far, ahum.....

Have to say, he had a few beers by then, but was not drunk.
But afterwards he became very silent and left about 20 minutes later.
But not without hugging me again.

NOW WHAT IS THAT???????????
Does anyone of you have an idea what might be going on in his head????????

How do I react in similar situations?
I do NOT want to rush anything!
I'd be very happy to get your ideas!

Thanks & Love,

n.

Ok everyone:

Now today when we saw each other he seemed much more reserved than yesterday - always not fully "present", always thinking. Not relaxed.
I stayed friendly - anyways.
As we did not finish the financial part yesterday, he'll come by tonight to do so.

I'm kinda nervous....
Don't want to rush things. Think it's better to leave him to think. No talking, isn't it?
Dont know staight away how to resolve that though....

*sigh*,
n.

Ok now:
H was here for about an hour talking about our To-Do-List for the job.
It was kind of relaxed, we were sitting on the couch together working on the notbook.
And by the end we both stated, that we're on the best way to come to terms with our Business-Problems.
But then now just after he left, I broke out in tears again, coz I MISS him so much.
I know at the same time, that this is complete nonsense coz I see him everyday.
And I feel, that my DBing-ideas kind of work - if they wouldnt I guess I'd still be hurt, shouting at him, blaming him and all that.
I do detach also - but it does NOT yet always feel good.
Does anybody of you have experience in setting themselves a long term goal - like: I think it's better for us to make nothing like physical happen between us for like a month or so?

I do NOT always want to be available - but mostly I GOT to - regarding our common business.

*sigh*sigh*sigh*

Please help!

I am feeling so down again!
Yesterday it was the first time I came home after work and he left at night after he babysat my daughter.
He just left.
I knew he was gonna leave but it didn't feel right.

I am so sad ever since and it feels like all my DBing Power leaves me....
What can I do to become patient?
What can I do to really detach?

Please help me,

Thanks,
n.

Nanah,

Wow yeah I know the feeling you get on a roll and seems like it's great then blah. Know that this is normal and there will be lots of ups and downs until it starts to become somewhat more even ride. For me detachment came when I was able to just think about what I was missing in the R. Previously I was so worried about if I was giving enough. That may not help but when I could look at the whole R objectively and say hey this R can be a whole lot better or I can do okay by myself or with someone else. It's different for everyone though and you do have to give yourself some time. It's not easy to be patient I know but look at each day as a small victory "he hugged me" or we didn't fight, etc. Keep expectations low because it's easy to get frustrated.

As far as physical intimacy that's really up to both of you. I know it's weird at times so don't try to force anything you're not comfortable with. I would say more than a time frame it's important that you don't feel uncomfortable but only you will know when that is.

I hope that helps some.

Thanks a lot lester!

Funny enough I was trying something like "thinking of what was missing in the R" before I fell asleep that very night....
Yesterday it even worked better because I decided it was gonna be a GOOD day before I went to bed. I slept much better. And I was able to get up early.... And I feel good with it....

Do you think it helps writing down the "small victories"???

Husband is correct. The more he sees her the more real she becomes and he sees things he doesn't like. The less he sees you the more he misses you. At least this is how it has worked with my H and the OW (so far).

Faith