I understand your frustration, and I understand why you are frustrated. I think it is awesome you told your W how you were feeling. I'm going to guess that she deflected you, because she may have assumed that if she talked about it, she'd then have to assume responsibility for your feelings and somehow FIX it.
Keep in mind FOR WHOM you are keeping up your happy-go-lucky attitude. For you. Not her. If you keep it up for YOU... and NOT her... then she doesn't have as much power to alter it, either... unless you let her.
Now, having said that... it doesn't mean you are going to be in the rafters 24/7. What helps you get through it are the choices and decisions you make for yourself, because of how you are feeling... and not as a reaction to how you think SHE is making you feel.
Gives you a different perspective.
Hope that helps. Keep with it. It isn't easy... it WILL take some time.
In real life, the few times my wife has asked about my job or what I do, I get to talk for about 2 minutes before she cuts me off saying that it is too boring and is putting her to sleep, which is fine with me. So in general she doesn't ask and I don't bring it up. (Last year was an exception, when my boss died in a car wreck and we got a new CFO. She wanted to hear about that).
You do realize you contradicted yourself, don't you? She is either interested, and gives you all kinds of feedback and suggestions you don't want to hear, or she is bored and doesn't want to hear it (paraphrasing what you said earlier about not bringing negativity home)... or, you are keeping negativity from blooming because us women can't handle it. Yet, when I asked you what you wanted in your M, one of the things you said you wanted was your wife to be interested in your job and what you do. Which is it?
Or is she just not doing it (showing interest and concern), the way YOU want it?
Nowhere, have you ever claimed or considered, in a way that I get, at least, that you have CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY, that YOU may be invalidating her, or that your behaviors and assumptions might be contributing... to this need of yours not being met. and if I do get close to exposing this... YOU will deflect again, and go on and give me yet another reason why you can't consider changing YOUR behavior.
As a possible means of supporting the self-validation growth of one another... is it possible, have YOU personally experienced, that supporting and encouraging each other (but not rescuing or avoiding your own feelings when you fall) -- which I would call a form of validating -- ONE effective tool in maintaining growth, trust and security?
Yet, when I asked you what you wanted in your M, one of the things you said you wanted was your wife to be interested in your job and what you do. Which is it?
Both, for her to show some interest in my world, be that the job, what I do playing sports, what movies I’d like to see, etc. Interaction. What I don’t want is her stressing and telling what I should or shouldn’t do regarding work, but I would like a little respect from her in TRYING to understand what I do and how I do it, not to force her to become interested in some new field but to show that she wants to share my experiences. You know, the ole enmeshment stuff.
Or is she just not doing it (showing interest and concern), the way YOU want it?
That’s partly it. The boundary issue comes into play here because she might not like the way I handled something, she might not like one of the girls/women at work, so she gets too reactive and I become defensive. Rather not deal with it.
Nowhere, have you ever claimed or considered, in a way that I get, at least, that you have CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY, that YOU may be invalidating her, or that your behaviors and assumptions might be contributing... to this need of yours not being met.
Sure, I know this. I have also accepted it as a reasonable “price” to pay. I don’t close myself off to other subjects so there should be plenty of things we can talk about, especially leisure things, family things……
As I type this I remember there is a whole other side to this issue. Recall that at one time W was home schooling the kids and giving them meds (she still does this) against my wishes. Her position was and still is that if I don’t actively participate in something, like home schooling, then I have no right to say anything about it.
What she really means is that I am not supposed to have the right to interfere or take command of family matters. (There is more to this issue too and it comes directly from her father, which I will post later.) So W is the one who consciously decided not to interfere or ask anything about my job or activities in order to be consistent with her statement and therefore try to preclude me from interfering in hers affairs, such as with home schooling.
Yep, I remember that now. I told her then that argument was BS, just as it is now. I don’t mind talking to her about my affairs, though I don’t like her trying to control what I do at work. I have done a good job of providing for her and the family and I don’t like when she has tried to box me into a corner on how I should be treating others. As long as she can respect that, then no problem. But she considers her control over the kids to follow the same logic, which justifies them in her mind as being her “turf.” That logic I cannot buy. This issue over the kids was one of the bigger wedges between us. Even though she now works and the kids go to public school, she is still upset that she cannot spend more time with them, see them off in the morning, go to their class, etc. So she has resentment over this and tries to place the blame on me, which I refuse to accept.
…and if I do get close to exposing this... YOU will deflect again, and go on and give me yet another reason why you can't consider changing YOUR behavior.
What I don't want is her stressing and telling what I should or shouldn't do regarding work
It scares me how much that sounds like the historical me. I had to realize that there was a difference between being a nurturer and a fixer ... that constantly coming up with suggested solutions to my husband's work problems was in fact a subtle vote of no confidence in his own abilities ... that I was identifying far more than was healthy with his emotions .... and trying to defuse them instead of detaching from them so *I* didn't have to feel stressed .... in fact, one big nasty covert control issue.
*MY* stress is so much less now that I'm beginning to wrap my head around not trying to subconsciously manage two people's lives ....
Is your wife open to reading Schnarch, et al, at all?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I'm just wondering... if you can stop yor own cycle... when it comes to your WFIE. Yes, I understand that you can with TKD, because this is a discipline you have practiced. You have elevated yourself to, what... black belt?
If there was such a measure in R's... you would be... a yellow beklt? Or lower?
Because, as Xue says... when you fight a wrestler, you become a wrestler, instead of what you are. This diminishes you. This is nothing to judge as good or bad... but something to be considered IF one wants to better fight a wrestler... or... move up in the color code.
SHE does not diminish you. YOU lose your sense of black belt TKD, and fight her as a wrestler.... or whatever she is.
I think I understand the question and yes it is one way of helping.
That was my only question. Thank you. Not for the answer you gave... but in hearing me. In MY perception of YOU hearing me, and it took some time before I thought YOU understood MY perception, I can accept whatever answer you give, especially as validating. I realize, however, that that may not be the 'end' of it, for you. Or for me. We took, together, one step. Period. Together. That step does not mean I changed your perception, or you changed mine.
All we did was take a step together. Which is far more than what we had done earlier.
