I had an IC session today. My C really has no advice for me other than to give my H more time....and I am paying him to tell me this!!! While talking to the C, he said that my H is certainly having a crisis (duh!), either identity or midlife. He feels that my H could progress if he gets back into some C. We all know that there is no way that I could suggest this to my H and that IC really has to be his idea for it to really help him. That being said, the C feels that my H will just stay keep the status quo to avoid dealing with anything. The C and I were thinking that if either of us requested that my H show up for an IC session to "help" me, that maybe the C could somehow make a connection with him and get him to work on something.
Just a little history...shortly after my H left, we went to this same C for MC. I continued with him for the IC and my H went to another C that he had been to when his 1st M ended. Anyway, I think we had about 4 MC sessions (at one session he even told the C that he wanted to make baby steps to R) and then my H just decided not to showing up anymore. Shortly after that, he said he got too busy to go to his IC and stopped going.
Would it be a really bad idea for the C to call my H and ask him to come in for a session to "help" me understand how to deal with the current state of our M? Or should I ask him if he would do it? I realize that getting any benefit out of this is a long shot, but would it hurt anything? I just don't how to hold on to hope for months and years to come especially when I am so helpless in this situation.
I would truly appreciate everyone's input on this.
I would say not to have the C call him...in reality if your H is having a MLC he still needs time...I know I look back and see my H had a mini-MLC about 8/9 years ago...then 6 years ago he started into a major MLC...it culminated 3 years ago with OW and leaving his family...he was gone for nearly 2 years...and gradually we have worked things out together so that we are happy and in love again...but if you notice this wasn't done in just a few months...and it didn't take MC...we went initially for 3 visits and H said he was done...when he came back and was emotionally ready to work on things we didn't need MC...we just needed to listen to each other...
...and that IC really has to be his idea for it to really help him.
Upside - Doesn't this really answer the question? I guess from my perspective, two things come to mind.
First, my H is pretty smart....in a blinding fog, but still pretty intelligent. I'm not sure that he would fall for something like this and even if I could get him to come, wouldn't it be pretty obvious in the session what the real purpose of the session would be?
Second, is he really ready for counseling? Everything we read on these boards indicates that MLC has to run it's course. Even in the DR book, it says that time and patience are the key. It is like forcing an alcholic into rehab. Until they want to go and get sober, sending them to rehab is usually not successful. They relapse when they get out. He just doesn't think that he is the problem, so why would he need counseling?
I don't mean to be negative or discouraging - I really understand holding onto any piece of hope that you can.
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I just don't how to hold on to hope for months and years to come especially when I am so helpless in this situation.
I know how you feel, I really do... If you are anything like me, you are used to being in control. Control of your life, your emotions, your future, everything. This is why this thing is so hard...you have no control over something that directly impacts you. And that is new. And hard.
But you know the answer on how to hold on... You take it minute by minute, day by day and so on. Baby steps. You focus on you. Go to the IC session for you - to help you move on with your life. Don't focus so much on him....
Your thinking is getting close to manipulating. Since he has already gone to counseling, I don't equate this with the alcoholic who isn't ready. Some alcoholics try a million times. Some signs of readiness were shown. But I really so no problem asking a simple question.
Thanks everyone for you thoughts. I think you all have made valid points.
IMP, the last thing I want to do is to manipulate my H in anyway. My intention was to help us both. Unfortnately, at this point, I think MC is out of the question...so no need to ask.
Breton, that might be the way to go, if my H will take the call (something I didn't really thing about before). It could be that if the C calls my H to check on him, there is a very SLIGHT possibility that my H might start thinking about C again.
Lin-I hope and pray that someday my H and I can be where you and your H are now. I can relate to your story so much. I want so much for my H and I to be able to talk and listen to each other...I just wish I knew when or if it will ever happen.
w8ing- I am so used to being in control...of course one of my H's many complaints. I am so impressed by your ability to see how MLC work when you are still so new to this. Maybe you missed your calling!...maybe you should have been a C???
I might ask the C to call and check on my H. I will just leave it at that. Thanks so much for all of your input. Your thoughts certainly helped clarity things for me.
NO NO NO...a good C will not do that becoz its conflict of intrests here. The C i saw a year ago wouldnt see the 2 of us individually......in fact because she hoped to do MC... wouldnt see me individually except for the 1 time we each saw her.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Hi - I am coming to the view that MLC and identity crisis are the same thing, and am thinking of starting a thread on this very subject.
How long post bomb are you?
A real crisis that has beena long time coming will take time to work through. I have worked with alcoholics and drug abusers. They ofen take numerous attemtps to stop, and don't stop until they want to.
If he went to counselling and stopped it is possible that [as an intelligent man] your h sensed that there were things to be dealt with that he isn't ready to deal with yet.
I have huge respect for good therapists, but they don't 'cure' us. We sort ouselves out. They facilitate the process.
My h went to therapy before he was ready. It spooked him hewas shaking and de-stablized. Leave him. We LBS are enablers and fixers. We can't fix this. We can't even pick up the peices. My therapist told me that if my wants to come back to me, it has to be a a man, not as a wounded child.
Upside - I will tell you that our MC told me in my last session with him (the one that H was supposed to go to but didn't) that I should tell H what I wish with regard to the remaining counseling sessions, very similar to IMP's advice:
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Upside: H, would you do me a favor and see MC?
Answer 1: Yes. Your response: Thank you.
Answer 2: No. Your response: ok.
I called H and said the C said I should tell you what I wish and I wish you would keep the next appointment for IC. I didn't cancel it. He said okay.
He did go. I don't know if he will go back, but he did go.
You have never given me any reason to believe you would deliberately manipulate. Just be aware that you can go unwittingly down that path. If the C were to call your H and ask, he would think you pushed it.
One counselor i went to said to me that if you want to know what they are thinking, ask and if you want them to do something, ask. It is the only way to get a real answer. (And I recognize that you may not always be truthfully told what they are thinking.)
