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My Spidey senses are tingling...have been for the past few days. Something is up.

I asked H if we were okay or if something was wrong. He's just replied that he was hot (we had record heat here) or tired or whatever. Hot and tired, hot and tired. But...well, I've learned to trust that intuition I have. It's never, and I really DO mean never, wrong.

I've managed to keep my brain from creating crazy stories about it--a HUGE improvement for me--until now. I pull up from work after going to the grocery store. I'm tired. H is just leaving, looking all bright eyed and bushy tailed. He comes over to tell me he's going out with his co-workers for drinks to celebrate one of them leaving and finding a new job. I'm not invited. He's all energy and gushing and happy. And so he leaves, leaving me with these darn heavy grocery bags and knowing stupid LW will be there.

IT JUST FREAKING PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD AN ISSUE WITH THE WHORE IN MY BRAIN FOR MONTHS!

So now I'm battling stories in my head and I'm pissed and tired and I want to cry. I've SO been loving going back to work and being with my kiddos...been on such a high these past couple of days...and now this.

And it's crazy, I know this. And I'll be fine no matter what, I know this. But I'm hurt right now and it helps to see the crazy laid out in black and white.

I won't do it a second time guys. I'll walk away and let him destroy himself financially and emotionally. I'll do it and I won't look back.

SD

I am sorry to read this. All I can offer is a virtual hug. Wish I had more.
{{{hug}}}

Beautiful SD,

I hope you know how much I respect and admire your insight and your "street smarts". Having said that, please take what I hope is helpful advice FWIW...

First off, I'll give it to you that your intuition may indeed be clued into some sort of issue between you and H.

However, I am really concerned that you could be jumping to conclusions about what that issue is. There are 100 possible reasons H could be out of sorts, and that a night out with friends from work would cheer him up - don't just go and assume that LW is the cause. From my vantage point, I think you probably still give her waaaay too much credit for being important to H at this point, and I think you certainly give her waaaay too much power over your own state of mind.

Instead of focusing on her, dig a little deeper into what's going on in your R (and of course I don't mean snoop!) And while you're digging and thinking, I hope you can fall back on some of your best DB training... ACT AS IF everything is going to be OK. Approach H with PMA and love, not with suspicion and anger. And certainly, have patience while you work through this.

I'm trying to look at this from H's point of view, and writing some stories of my own. Let me try this one on for size...

He's been down in the dumps for a few days, for reasons that very possibly have nothing to do with you OR with LW. Just for example, one of his friends is leaving work. What could that mean? Is that a sign that things at work are stressful? Are other friends leaving? Is he sad to see this one go? Is he nervous about his own job?

Then he gets an invite to go out and party a bit - let off some steam. MAYBE THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT! And maybe LW really DOES mean nothing more to him at this point - just a mistake he made a year ago that he wishes he could undo.

Now, I'm kinda picturing him coming home after this to you, all ticked off. You're worked up about LW again. Oh no, he thinks, am I in trouble over this AGAIN? Am I doomed to have this thrown back in my face any time we hit any kind of bump in the road? I want to move on and forget that - but here's SD bringing it up after I thought we had moved on...

I'm not defending him, really - but I want you to try and back off a little before you make a mistake here. Work on moving forward with your R, not on focusing on the past. OK?

(((SD)))

I know what you mean. Once you finally learn to trust that instinct I can imagine it's hard not to do exactly what you are doing. You spent so much time doubting yourself before, only to be "right" about the problems... well, just sayin I totally understand.

I like Rob's "re-writes" of it though, especially how you are acting when he arrives home. (if you're even there... got some girlfriends you can go hang with?? )

I totally understand the "won't do it a second time" thing. I'm getting there, too... it's hard because it seems so much more "real" than thinking OK we can get through this, we'll be OK together, it's just a rough patch.

SD,

I'm sorry.

This is tough. I know you will be smart about this. The thing is, it could be just as Rob's saying. After we've been through this crap, it's common to have some PTSD and that can really F with your instincts. That took me a long time to fully get, and through the years I realized that because of my fears I was bringing more of this crap on in a way.

What is your plan for tonight?

Sticking to the facts, your feelings have been hurt by your H. I can clearly see why. Just don't overreact. You really don't deserve that kind of hurt. You really don't. Be kind to yourself. Know that you are loved. Don't put yourself through that right now. Don't create that kind of pain. Hopefully you are not doing that, but I know how easy it can be to do just that. We think we are preparing ourselves for what we see is likely coming, and don't want to be surprised by it. These are often just fears talking. OK, just blabbing. You're strong and confident... and you are a master DBer.

{{{{{{{{{{SD}}}}}}}}}}

Hmmm... you were tired and laden with bags. He was bright, clean and happy.

Re-read your post, it looks to me that you CHOSE to be upset. Choose another feeling.

Did you know you can get punchbags made to resemble real living people? How about getting one of LW, hiding it in the garage then going and punching the cr4p out of it at times like these?

But in seriouslness, SD you've had a backslide. What do we do after a backslide? We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get right back on track again.

Hi sweets...
Been thinking about you and will continue to do so. You're amazing. Take care of you!

Julie

Hey girl... how's everything? Talk to us, eh?

Hey SD, I hope you weren't offended by my post - please understand I'm just trying to help. Thinking of you!

Oh no! I'm sorry I haven't posted here guys, but I assure you it wasn't because of the (much needed) 2 x 4s launched my way. No, not at all! I actually read your responses and chuckled to myself because you were so dead on.

I was feeling sorry for myself and a little jealous that he could summon up energy and excitement for going out with these people (of which LW was a member) but not for me. He's been laaaaaame in that department. Even me, dead tired and anxious about returning to work, was still in GAL have fun and be distracted mode. So yeah, that ticked me off.

Then, I get home, tired, dreading carrying the grocery bags in and just wanting some kind words and snuggling before I had to work all night. And H was happy party boy leaving me in my wretchedness!

All is well here. I realized *just* how extremely tired I was when H came home that night and proceeded to wake me up 3 times...I broke down into tears and sobbed. Poor H, he felt bad that he'd done things unintentionally to wake me, apologized and comforted me, then did so again in the morning.

But...yeah, something *is* up. Maybe not with us...but something is wrong anyway. And I have to let go of it, because if he's going to choose to suffer alone, that's his choice.

I made it through my first week back and have loved EVERY moment. I've been true to myself and done exactly what I think is best for kids. No parents have come to storm the castle, and a few actually thanked me for the more unconventional things I'm doing this year. (Like, little homework and then more experiential and some other things) Everything in my world has provided evidence that what I'm doing is right. My kids are great, and we had a fantastic week together.

Now what I need is sleep...and prep periods! The kids don't start their electives until next Monday, so I haven't had any prep time...so I've been working all evening when I get home and teaching waaay more classes than I usually do. Sleep and free time will be nice!

Sorry to worry you, but thanks for your honesty and support. What would I do without you?

SD