Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Frustrated and More Saddened #3

Thanks everybody. Well, I guess today begins a new period for me. I have a meeting today with an HR guy that I met at a social a while back. On a whim earlier this month I called him to set something up to meet. When I began to think that I'd like to make a change, I emailed him about exploring opportunities for myself.

Hopefully that will get me somewhere. But for the next week or so I am going to have to do things that will keep my mind occupied. Going to use my extra time to rev up the exercise regimen. Things are looking bleak right now. Not sure how things are going to end up. But I have to start making some positive changes. I have told myself that I am going to take a major break from drinking right now. It is not healthy to be in this mindset and be drinking.

Things are going to get better for me. Just going to be a slow process. Need to take the first step though. So here we go. I probably will be using this board as a means to get out some thoughts, journal and complain quite a bit, so sorry in advance.


Stew

Sorry that you are going through all of this at once. As bad as the experience was for you it sounds like there was progress made. Here comes my inner optimist, you know the one that doesn't hang out on my thread...

Lets look at the positives. Your W agreed to go to counseling. Big HUGE step. The two of decided someone will move (this can do wonders, really) and you have been given the opportunity to explore other careers which you had been tossing around anyway. I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Take this time and focus on yourself, find a more fulfilling career path and take the MC one sesh at time. You are in the right spot here Stewart. Lots of aliles to support you, even if all you do is come to vent, journal and complain...we all do it so don't apologize and all fo the subsequent feedback does help us all deal with our sitch in a better more productive way.

Thanks WAW:



I don't think I have any other choice at this point. The way things are going right now, there is a ton of bad going on at this point. I need to look at the good things that are going on.



This I also agree is a good thing. The doctor we are going to see is pretty good. Don't know that he is going to be able to help us work this out but hopefully he can.



Yeah, I was more willing to move yesterday than I was today. Just seems to me like I would be giving up. If she wants the space, then she should move out. I don't want it to look like I am the one leaving.



That makes perfect sense to me. My Father said the same thing to me yesterday. I am going to start really looking for something that makes me happy to go to work everyday.



I will be doing this. It will be therapeutic for me to be able to rant on here. The next few weeks will be interesting to say the least. We shall see where it leads.


Stew

I just wanted to throw my "hang in there" in. I'm so sorry about the move and job.

::hugs::

Thanks ALK24. It really does help to receive encouragment and support from the thread.

Well, we are going to have another little talk today in light of the recent events. She did not come home on Monday night but she did come home last night. Wasn't sure what to do so I stayed on the couch. She came in and said to go to bed (she went out after work got in about 3) but I think she was going to sleep on the couch so I didn't want her to have to do that, so I said thats alright and I don't mind. She is still sleeping now, I have been up since 5:00 am. Its funny but my internal clock is still telling me I have to get up for work. Weird but that is going to probably happen for awhile.

When she came in last night, she kind of patted my head and gave it a little rub. She hasn't done that in awhile, but I think it was more feeling sorry for me rather than out of any kind of love she feels. I am going to try and get out for awhile today after she leaves for work. We have our conselling session tomorrow and I am a bit nervous about that. I am afraid things are going to come out in the session that I don't really want to hear. But I will have to keep my wits and make sure she feels comfortable talking openly. This Doc is kind of a no-nonsense person so I have a feeling he is going to call her on some of her behavior lately and explain to her that it is not helping to get us back to where we need to be. I am sure there is going to be some criticizm of me for my part in this, but I take responsibility for that and am prepared for it.

Not really looking forward to our talk. Monday was so very difficult. But, things have changed since then. One of which is my job. Want to see what her feelings on the matter are. If that changes anything. God I really wish this wasn't happening. I feel like this has all been one really long painful nightmare and I would give anything in the world to wake up.

I remember going to therapy for the first time with H and I was terrified they tell us that we should split!!
It is only natural to feel scared, but I bet in someway you are also looking forward to it, because maybe, just maybe it can help get things better!
Its only natural, just take it easy and really have no huge expecations going into it.

I am wishing you luck today with the MC sesh. Yes, there are more things that are going to come out. Its going to hurt. There will be tears.

If you are feeling like she should be the one to move out, then say so. Stick to your guns, and stay in your place. If she decides not to move then so be it. You have said previously that she has the funds to make the move so let her. I have to admit that me moving out has really mad me see things I was missing. As much as H and I didn;t have a good marriage we had a good life. we had it all. Nice house, a daughter, a dog and a cat...very picturesque. I hate being alone in my duplex. Cannot stress to you enough how lonely it is for. Really has made me open my eyes as to just how much I was giving up.

Anyway, I will be in NYC this Saturday. Let me know if you feel like meeting for coffee someplace. It would be nice to put a face to the name and chat. You have been incredibly helpful to me by keeping up with my sitch and offering helpful advice.

Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

Thanks WAW and Limbo:

Warning this may be long and probably a little boring, but I am using this a journal so that I have record of the MC session:

The MC session went well, I think. I am not sure if she thought the same but I think he helped us start on the right track to opening up some communication lines and getting us back on track. He spent the entire session asking us 6 questions. The first question was what was our goals to get out of the counseling sessions. My answer was to begin to get our relationship back on track. Her answer was to open up communication between us since she felt as if there was no communication there.

The second question was who can we control. Both of our answers were ourselves. He disagreed slightly saying at times we cannot even control ourselves and that is okay but the other person in a relationship has to reazalze that. The third question was what are the things that went wrong in the relationship. I said I thought our problems began when we started to spend so little time together. She said our problems was that I was drinking and controlling.

The fourth question was kind of a doozy. He prefaced it by saying that if we cannot answer it, that we might as well go home because there is nothing that he can do to help. (Didn't really like the way he did that) But he asked what was good about the relationship. It was my wife's turn to go first. It took her some time to answer. Like a really long time. I think she was kind of hoping that he would cut her off and just say well then there is nothing I can do. Your relationship is over. But he didn't. He just sat there and let her think. This went on for about five minutes. An eternity for me. Finally she said that something good about our relationship was that she still cared about me. I, in a much shorter time said that what was good was how happy she makes me and how I am inspired by how caring she is with everyone she knows and even complete strangers.

The fifth question was what are you going to do in the next week to make the relationship stronger. I said I would not drink. She thought for awhile and said she would call me from work once a day to check in with me and see how I was doing. The last question was what do you want the other person to do te help improve the relationship. She again took forever and broke down in the middle just asking why this is so hard. And that "You are talking about improving this relationship that doesn't even exist." OUCH. But he refocused her asking her about when we got married, and how there was something there then. That even if there is a faint little glimmer of a relationship left inside that that can be repaired. That he realizes there are glaring things missing and broken but that can be fixed. But there needs to be commitment from both parties in order to make it work. He said if there is not even a flicker of a flame then he cannot help. Finally she asked for us to have lunch together a couple times a week. I asked for her not to spend more than one night out a week. She agreed. He thanked us for our answers and said we need to go home and work to do the things we promised and were requested to do. Then he gave a pretty good analogy about what happens when a relationship is born and when the relationship is strained that really hit home for me and I think it made it easy for her to understand too. And that was our first MC session. Nothing groundbreaking, but I think we at least can see the way to improve our relationship. Whether she is able/willing to follow through remains to be seen. Before we left he told Kelly that although he only just met her that he knew alot more about her than she thought. I tend to believe him because when I had my IC with him he asked questions about me that I never hinted at and he was dead on. He told her that there were other things that bothered my wife but she didn't want to talk about it because she felt it was not appropriate. My W began to tear and just shook her head up and down. He told her next time they can meet alone and then think about a way to bring them out together. Not really sure what they are talking about but there is something esle wrong I am doing, or something outside that is bothering my W. I am sure it will come out soon enough.

On the way home I just asked her what she thought of him and she said she liked him alot. So at this point I guess this little blueprint is taking precedence over our conversation on Monday (the moving out conversation). I have been sleeping on the couch since then. Not really a bad thing as I can take full advantage of the new TV. I hope that things begin to improve from here. She did call me last night to wish my dad a happy birthday.

WAW:

Are you taking the train in? When are you getting into town?

Stew,

Eh? No breakthrough? Dude, she spoke to you about how she was feeling. You're right, follow through is where it's at, but let's review:
1. She went to counselling with you
2. She acknowledged some good in the R
3. She made some suggestions for you two to spend more time together

Don't get your expectations too high, depending on things she's hesitant to talk about in front of you . . . Well, there's no way to know, so let's not speculate.

However, compared to where you were earlier this week, this isn't all that shabby.

Plus, you get to take advantage of the TV! What'd you get? Shopping tomorrow.

BD

Heim:

You are right. I cannot complain where things are set up to be headed. Just waiting on the follow through.

I went with a Panasoncic 42" plasma. I spent about 2 hours in Best Buy going back and forth between LCD and Plasma. 42 inch and 47 inch. Came down to quality and space availability. But it is 1080i and sports look outstanding on it.