Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again How do you trust again without going crazy?

I have another post on here but I have another with little response. I thought I would bring up something that is getting to me.

My sitch in a nutshell: EXH left July 2006, we were only married one year, together for 4. Divorce was final April 2007. During that time we still slept together every few weeks and there was alot of contact.

I am 10 weeks pregnant now with his child. Came out of the blue for both of us. He thinks it was meant to be and is very happy. Wants to go slow with reconciliation. He is here alot but has not moved back in. I agree. He had another FWB relationship going on to which he said he ended. She is not dealing with it well and continutes to contact him. He says he doesn't want anyone else, ILY to me, and I truly am seeing some changes in him. But only when he wants and on his terms.

My problem....I can't trust him. Because of the past and all of the hurt I am so darn insecure. I question everything in my mind that he does, where he goes and actually check his phone when he is not looking. I did see the text where he told OW that things had to be this way. He is in a wedding this weekend to which he didn't invite me. My head is spinning. What if he drinks too much? What kind of single bimbo women will be there? What is going to happen? Why is he not taking me? He asked his wild sister to go with him before we ever started reconciliation talks. Is he ashamed of me?

Its not just the wedding, its everything. I am literally in knots just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He had the rehearsal dinner/party last night for this wedding and he didn't call like he said he was when he went home. My stupid self, drove by his house at 1:30 AM. He was home.

Why can't I just relax and go with it? Do you ever get that trust and secure feeling back? Thanks for the help.

You just have to do it, not for him, but for yourself. If he is sincere, then he will earn it, if not you'll know that perhaps it's time to move on. If you continue on in the non-trusting paranoid mode for the rest of your life, you will go "nuts" and he will not want to be around you.

As far as the wedding, perhaps he is a little concerned with how either of you will react. He doesn't want your sitch to affect, or become more apparent at his friends wedding. At least he is taking his sister. Maybe, also this wedding will help he remember the good times.

Trust can be earned, but mainly it is something we give others, for ourself. It makes it easier to live in this world.

Thanks for the response. I just had a phone session with my therapist as she has been out of town. It was good timing. We also discussed my insecurities and anxiety. She said the same as you. He has been making major changes that I can see. Focus on that and not so much on the negative. Change the negative 'what if' thoughts to positive ones.

I haven't heard from him since yesterday and know he went out aftter the rehearsal dinner with his buddies. My mind automatically goes to 'where is he? what did he do? Who is he with?' I am trying to put it out of my mind thinking he is just busy and will call when he can. It's so hard. I am trying not to think the worst.

I am having a hard night. It was actually a very hard weekend. Exh went to that wedding where he didn't want to take me. Too soon he said. Anyway I understand he was quite intoxicated and was the life of the party. He also called me at 10 to see if I can drive him to the local bar/club where the rest of the wedding party was going and drop him off. I said absolutely not. I got angry with him for even going (he went alot when we were not together and ended up all over women)but he stormed out and went anyway. The next day he tried to pretend everything was ok. I was hurt and I was up all night wondering what he was doing and who he was with.

We don't live together and yes, we are having a child now. He wants to go slow and take it "day by day". To me it sounds like he is not that committed which drives me crazy and then I start to hound him with questions and push for some security. Which then makes him get the deer in the headlights look.

We are supposedly heading in the right direction and I wasn't happy about last weekend and the wedding/bar thing but my insecurities are making me crazy. When he isn't here I go out of my mind wondering and have even done drive by's his house (hangs head). I am a 42 year old woman acting like a desperate high school kid.

He has shattered my world more than once in the past, lied to me, cheated (after separation) and led me to believe he was 'thinking' and was coming back so it's really hard to believe him now.

Do you really just say......I trust you 100%. I am not going to doubt you. I am going to believe you are completely sincere and upfront and honest. That I believe you told OW that she needs to back off and things are going to work out.....do you really do that? How do you stop checking up on them?

Thanks for the help. I really believe I have lost it.

Hi Startingover,

I know what you are going through. I was there about 6 months ago. It was difficult. I will put links to my thread and Saffie's from that time, because though our sitch's were not exactly like yours, they were similar.

This is Saffie's thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1105465&page=0&fpart=1

This is my thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1105465&page=0&fpart=1

and this is a thread about Retrouvaille, the really great program that saved my marriage and turned us back into a loving couple:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1177999&page=0&fpart=1

So good luck with everything. It sounds like your H is old enough to drop the frat boy behavior and settle down and be a good father. It's going to be a lot of work, but so is everything that is rewarding in life!

SO2,

I understand exactly where you are coming from but you have to stop.

Your desparation to find some sort of peace and trust is going to drive your relationship apart. Also you are absolutely full of hormones at the moment!!

What do you want? That's the first thing. Do you want to be with him? What are you most afraid of? Losing your husband? Raising a child by yourself?

Tell yourself that 10 - 12 wks ago you loved each other enough to create a new life.

You checked his mobile without him knowing and found a text to OW telling her it was over and had to be that way - that's good isn't it?

At the moment he is living thro' arrangements he made before you decided to work thro' things and although that is hard give him time to get those out of the way.

My husband was doing a lot of work away from home when we went thro' all the OW stuff. That was how the A had been able to exist. OW was one of my H's employees. I found every trip away he did after the A was ended excruciating. I self harmed, I was highly medicated. I did not act well. My head was and still is my biggest enemy, not the OW. It took time for my husband to change things in his company so that it wasn't him doing the work away from home - 6 months of hell. I had to make contingency plans to get through it - people stayed with me and slept over to make sure I was OK and to distract me.

I know it is much easier said than done but do focus on the positives. I have been going for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to try and change the way I interpret things and then in turn how I react to them. It is teaching me to be more positive. I also, (and I know this sounds stupid and everyone has to find their own way of doing this), have started doing SUDOKU when I need to stop my brain spinning out of control. I needed something that required my full concentration and stopped me running off with my wild thoughts. I generally find it easy to multi task so stopping my head was a BIG issue.

Pregnancy is well known for being a time for bad dreams and wild thoughts. It is a time when medicating to stop those things really isn't an option even if you wanted to.

Hang in there and listen to people on these boards. They have brought me much comfort. It has also shown me that there are many relationships worse that mine and that many in worse shape have been 'saved'. I have also seen that losing one's M is not the worst thing that can happen by far.

Keep posting and communicating.

Saffie

So2,

How are you doing?

Saffie

Hi Saffie,

I am sleepless at 4:30 AM, so it's back to the boards. How are you?

Sara,

I'm fine thanks - how about you? Want to go email rather than chat on So2's thread?

Saffie

good idea