Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #4

You say you know what you will do if he does it without telling you first. So, if he tells you that is what he intends to do, tell him what you will do if he does that.

Whether that is filing for divorce, or a temporary restraining order, or whatever it is. But don't threaten to do something you won't really do.

If nothing else, you can tell him, "This won't help you at all in the custody hearing."

Don't make a scene or try to physically prevent the kids from leaving, unless you are willing to call 9-1-1 and start the D process right then and there.

Oh man, my3, that is the FIRST thing I thought of. OW was bitter he was talking to her and got things started. PUKE. But...but...it might not have even been happening, but sad that every single one of us goes 'there' first. Sorry morgan.

Ok, breathe. What can you do if he says he is going to the beach house? Besides, roping him up and throwing him in the basement, I suppose the high road/DB way is to announce calmly but firmly that he knew you are totally against it, and that you don't want it to happen. Maybe bring up a formal separation with guidelines (but all of this while the kids are around, waiting to be picked up? Not sure about that). But then tell him to please keep the kids safe and happy.

Question: Do your kids get upset when they leave you? I know if this happens to me, my girls will be upset when H takes them. They are very attached to me (and to him as well, but always pick me LOL) and this won't be easy on them. What do you say to comfort them?

I agree with My3 sons. Judges almost always side with the Solomon parent, the one that shows the power to make the smoothest transition into stability. Any sign of antagonism is seen badly in court. Again, not a lawyer just a NOLO newbie in Cali. As my attorney bro says, play nice. That really sucks for the LBS that holds all the morality cards.

he just left. I didn't expect him till after dinner, it was never set firmly or anything, but this job is more of an office one so didn't expect him early. he came in, ate some chicken I had cooked for the kids dinner (???) in case I needed to give it to them, and w/o saying much at all (did ask about my plans, I was non-committal), he gathered them up and left. I went outside to clean up the outside toys (we were outside most of the day) while he was putting the carseats in his car and he was on the phone, quickly scrambled off, telling her he'd call right back, when he saw me. my stomach is sick just from that. he did try to take one of our beach chairs (nice, the ones my parents gave us, just lovely, ass) but he couldn't get it to fit right.

I didn't ask, I couldn't. my position has been clear, if he violates it, we'll deal with it then. and you all are right...I'm not going to make a scene, and short of locking him in the basement...which would be a sight, since at 180 he's what, 60lbs heavier than me...there wasn't anything I could do but remind him of my stance. thankfully he didn't put me in that position.

that sounds insane, doesn't it? thankfully he hasn't put me in that position? look what position he has put me in.

I'm gonna be that solomon parent if it kills me. I am. and it just might. okay, it won't kill me, it will make me stronger.

now I'm going to have a good cry, then clean up and go have a good sweat at the gym. I'm feeling rather troll-like at the moment.

and grrr to him eating my freaking chicken. I suppose I should be grateful he didn't find the cookies from yesterday.

forgot to answer this part. I put on a happy-happy face when they are leaving, give tons of hugs and kisses, tell them they can call me whenever they want, talk about all the fun they will have, and that I can't wait to see them when they come home and such. I think because of this, and because they love their daddy, they are okay so far. they get a little sad, tell me they will miss me and such, but they are also excited because the miss daddy. I think they also pick up on me not being distraught...I think if I showed what I was really feeling, then yeah, it would be harder. I wait for them to leave to have a good cry.

Well, if the beach chair wasn't a great big hint, daring you to ask, I don't know what is. But perhaps his plan is to spend the day at that lake tomorrow, but not stay at her place overnight. I'm sure that he would consider that a huge sacrifice in deference to your provincial attitudes. blech.

I know you don't want to call your MIL all the time, but tonight and tomorrow night you might just want to try her number first when it is time to say goodnight to the kids. Unless you really don't want to know, which would be understandable as well.

well, this was weird, but possibly good. h just called to ask if the pool we go to is still open. I told him yes, thru labor day. then he asked if I had plans tomorrow, and I said yes and asked him why. he said that he was thinking of taking the kids down to the pool and would I like to join them.

wow.

so either he wanted me to know that no, he's not taking them to the beach. or he wants help with them at the pool. or he's trying to be a decent person and make amends for being such an ass this week.

I told him to call me tomorrow when they were there and I'd see if I had time to stop by for a bit. honestly, I don't think I can do it. I know db would probably say to go for it, but the reality is, its too painful for me to play happy family with him. because I'll read way more into it than is there...and trust me, I do know what is there. I think I'm going to just be too busy to do it. wwyd?

ugh...can I just say the stressers never end??? just called to say goodnight to the kids and h got on the phone...said he had something to talk to me about that he didn't get a chance to earlier. yep, that sinking awful punch-to-the-gut feeling took a hold on me. it wasn't what I thought it was...apparently, the new job that he just started on monday is not what he thought it would be, and it is not a good fit for him at all. he's already talked to his old boss and head of hr about getting his old job back. so I wonder if part of the crap he pulled this week had to do with the fact that he was so stressed about the mistake he made job-wise? obviously there is more to it than that, ow is still alive and well and very much in the picture, but wonder if some of the aggressiveness with me was because of this? he took it out on me (hey, I'm his current whipping boy *girl* after all).

sooooo stressed now. its hard because he's the breadwinner. he admitted that he was only seeing $$$ when he took this job. so actually going back to his old job would mean less $ for me if/when we divorce. at the same time, I know he will be a wreck with this one, so it won't end up lasting. at least his old company is a great one to work for. so I guess I'm hoping he gets the job back.

of course, he's now got this very expensive car to pay for. so we're taking a bath if he does get his old job back one way or another, unless there is some stipulation somewhere that allows you to return a car that you recently bought. I don't think there is, though, is there? other than a lemon law?

arrrrgggggghhhhh

I knew this job was a bad decision. I knew it was. anytime I tried to talk to him, to raise some questions here and there, that would make him really think about it, not just see $$$, he got angry with me, so I stopped. I'm not taking the blame, just irritated because, oh, here's yet another decision he has made that is screwing me in some way or other.

but I really do hope he can get his old job back. I told him it was great what he did, that it took a lot of balls to recognize the mistake and admit it this quickly. its not easy to ask for your old company to take you back. who knows, maybe they will...at least he didn't go to a competitor or anything like that.

and no, I'm not missing the irony. H realized really quickly just what he lost by leaving his old company, and what a mistake it was. exactly what he didn't realize by leaving me. ah, well, so it goes.

Oh happy family at the pool. Vomit-in-the-mouth. What I hate is what an 'overly' good dad H is when we go places. All the moms without husbands are practically drooling over him: "What a good dad. You are so lucky". Oh lady, if you only knew. We tried that a few times and finally just started taking them separately. BUT...BUT.... he asked, invited, and could have done it on his own if he really didn't want you around. Maybe make some time? I just don't know.

Oh man, the job. He was stressed this week for sure. Of course, NO reason to take it out on you, but we all know how that game is played. Sorry about the expensive car, I know of no way you can return it. Maybe getting out of the stress of making this mistake will help him. Hopefully his company will take him back.

Now, onto getting him to beg YOU to take him back. It'll come.

ya know, lwb, I spent some time tonight thinking about my motivations for joining them tomorrow, and honestly, I just think it will end up biting me in the ass, so I think I'm going to skip it. I've got a ton on my plate, anyway, and will have the kids back the next day, so I'm going to stick to my original plan. besides, its only going to be in the 70s, so a little cool for the pool...he'll probably decide against it, anyway.

the job thing is really stressing me out, and I've done some thinking about why it is stressing me out so much. part of it is when we talked about it tonight, it was like the old H talking to me, instead of this body snatched creature he mostly acts like. part of it is that I still do love him/care for him, and want him to be happy in his job. I really love the company he left, they are a great company to work for, and his leaving it was a little scary for me. I know how good they have been/continue to be, and I and the kids depend on it.

I need to stop letting whatever happens stress me so much, though. I'm just afraid if h doesn't get back with his old company, its not going to work out at the new one and then what? he's always been a good provider for us, and while I know eventually I'll likely need to enter the work force, I certainly won't earn what he does, or even close to it. not at first, likely never. the $ thing, being dependant on another person, is suddenly very scary for me. and if he does go back to the old job, well, thanks for adding yet another bill to the pile, jerk.

I'm babbling here. I'm wired. I ended up falling asleep on the couch really early and woke up wired, so I have a feeling it will be a late night for me tonight. I'm kind of wandering the house, stopping every once in a while to answer an e-mail, read a bit in my book, or putter. yep, one of those nights. but the good thing about the kids being with H is that I can at least try to sleep in in the morning. see, looking for that silver lining!