Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Dead Inside; Dying Outside

Not sure where to start. Been married 13 years. After incessant bickering and arguments, she declared, "you can forget about having sex with me, EVER." That was Spring 2001, when the kids were 6 and 5. By 2004, I had called the cops twice to get her to stop verbally abusing and emasculating me (she even did this in front of a female officer :-/ with contempt dripping from her lips). I had taken it long enough and started to respond in kind when she ripped into me over asking her to grow up and be responsible (we married in our late 20's for heavenssake). A bad mistake, because now the kids weren't saying, "...that's just mom." They were actually getting upset over the arguments. (I still hate myself for allowing myself to be dragged into that form of communication...)

In Sept '06 she laid the trap and got me out of the house with an OP that took me 9 months to clear (I never threatened her and she couldn't bring a consistent 'story' of how I did threaten or posed a threat). Although my yelling at her that she should stop disrespecting me in front of the kids, did not rise to the level of an offense, I am, nonetheless out of my home, out of my kids' lives and desperately trying to keep it together at work and in the community.

A GAL was appointed, that has taken the side of mother, due to the kids being systematically directed by their mother to look at life with dad as dreadful, or whatever she's putting in their young minds. They had the gall to put the older one on the stand (the judge did not like this, particularly, since it was easy to show how much coaching the child had been exposed to). I cried like a fool, hearing my son say things that were taken out of context and extremely heightened. So what, the judge saw through it. I felt like someone was tearing my heart, lungs and stomach right out of my chest. Because the child has no idea what is going on nor how manipulated, contrived and scripited the testimony was.

To date I have not reached them by phone since Thanksgiving, thought the court order is phone communication 2x per wk. No calls for the holidays, birthdays, Father's day, nothing. Of course the answer to the judges question on the lack of communication is, "...there are issues." ISSUES! That is the word accepted by the judge, to allow this to happen. He doesn't exactly condone it, he just says to the attorneys, "work it out."

Since it takes two to tango, the GAL has not "danced" with my attorney to have the children communicate with me, not even with supervised visitation...

No longer care about the R with the W. I've denied myself the benefit of a real M, the intimacy, sharing of successes, failures, fears, discoveries, etc. for so long, that I feel dead inside. Was there and caring and nurturing for the kids, but I got nothing from W and now losing the kids feels so devastating, it's even affecting my work relationships and social contacts, events, church, etc.

People are noticing (after 6 years, I can't keep up the facade any longer). Its too much to deal with the loss, humiliation, shame and failure to keep an intact family, when I was always looked upon as a pillar in church, a leader in the commuinty and a resource to those needing help, encouragement, guidance, an uplifting word or a viable referral to help of any sort...

I'm dying on the outside and it scares the hell out of me.

((((crumbme))))

You know this; but I will tell you anyway:
God loves you. You did not fail. You cannot *make* someone be a good spouse.

I am so sorry you haven't spoken with your kids for so long.
Now is the time to reach out to the people that you helped in the past.
Did you enjoy helping people? Did you feel good when you said words of encouragement that brought hope to someone? That was a gift to them, but also a gift to YOU. Those people would probably appreciate being able to reciprocate and receiving the joy of offering YOU support.

And, of course, post and vent here. I don't have any specific advice to give regarding trying to get you and your children back in contact--but I do know that the people on this board are good people. Please, do reach out to your fellow church members.

Try these two web sites -

Malevolent Moms

or

American Coalition for Fathers and Children

Also, it sounds like you need a new lawyer. Find one who will fight this. If she's filling the children's minds with a negative view of you, that can be enough in some cases to get you custody.

Good luck.

Thanks, A99 for your kind words and encouragement. Yes, I do enjoy helping people, and it feels kind of wierd to be on the opposite side for such a serious matter. I will look to some key people to talk to beside the minister. That hasn't gone quite the way I expected, but God works in mysterious ways...

MyWife... I will check out those websites. I too think I need a different lawyer, the challenge is coming up with another retainer, while I'm looking to get a permanent place I cna furnish for me and (hopefully) the boys, if and when they are with me. Maybe with talking to a few more people, I can get a decent referral that is also affordable.

I guess I need to stop hating myself and get out of this funk I'm in, so I can see myself in better place. Won't be any good to the kids if I'm looking feeling defeated, deflated and a mess.

Journaling-

Went to a church picnic last weekend. Caught up to some old friends and made some new ones.

Everyoe liked my sausage and burgers.

Maybe the cloud is drifting away, after all. :-)

Yes, you have been a worthy person but your wife sounds a bit off. I am sorry for the cut off in communication with the kids. What are your legal rights and how can you enforce them? Have you been deemed an unfit parent? If not why don't you get to be with the kids?

mk

thanks for your sentiments. My legal rights are, presumably entirely intact, after winning the OP case in D-Violence Court. But in practice, I gained nothing more than a deeper hole financially for my efforts. Still cannot get my personal stuff out of the house, no contact, much less visitation with the kids. I am desperately trying to do what Mywifehasgone...above posted. That is trying to find a way to afford a retainer for a new lawyer, and trying to get the court to acknowledge that the collusion between the GAL and the BM has totally alienated my kids. They have expressly prohibited the kids’ counselor from talking to my shrink. How am I supposed to address, much less correct, some presumed ill between the kids and I??,

As I indicated earlier, the judge accepted, “…there are issues, your Honor” as enough ‘evidence’ to continue to keep the kids from me. It’s maddening. You can only ‘cope’ so much. KWIM?

Okay, I figured out that OP was Order of Protection, not "other person" and GAL is guardian ad litem, but who is the BM?

If the Order of Protection was struck down, what is stopping you from going to get your personal affects, or seeing your children for that matter? Is there a separate Restraining Order still in effect?

Did she change the locks? Move to an undisclosed location??

Thanks for asking, my3.

BM is biological mother.

No separate RO, just a Pro Se order from the Judge, granting BM 'Exclusive Use of the Marital Home' until the Divorce goes through and it is sold, or I get bought out.

That nify piece of work was orchestrated by the GAL, in anticipation of the OP going away. See, if you so much as 'Annoy' the petitioner, you can have an OP slapped on you and be made permanent. It is the lowest level of what the courts regard as 'offense'. Stuff like assault or threats, etc. would be (higher) levels of offense that would get you a 2-year (or more) OP. What's insidious about that (and I am a huge proponent of protecting the children and a victimized spouse, male or female) is that almost anything can be used to get you out of the home. It's why so many OP requests are made Friday so you're out over the weekend, or longer...

In my case I dared protest the unwarranted abuse of my rights. You DON'T want to do this with a GAL. They will show you who's got the power real fast. You basically must kiss their cans, because they are the one's who now rule the roost in court.

I say this because, statistically speaking, some 90-92% of rulings on custody arrangements are made based on GALs recommendations to the judge.

My cost for this terrible blunder is detailed above. I won't bore you with the details (unless you feel it may be helpful) but suffice it to say that I can't get so much as my underwear, not to mention, tools, PCs, biz suits, etc. out of the home.

Now, not all GALs are like mine (many here have had good experiences with their GALs), but all you need is for YOURS to be GAL-from-Hell and you're pretty much done for. (Just an opinion, based on my experience.)

Hope this helps.

CM

There is a page that shows abbreviations but the thing is most of the abbreviations are not at all abbreviations but rather acronyms. Funny. And some are not consistent with other sites like Marriage Builders so I guess we use context clues.
GAL means Get A Life here, but in a nice way! So I guess I am mistaking stuff.
OP means Other Person.