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LOL - I am a W also - so believe me - that is not my concern!!! (guess you haven't read my posts)

Ditto what you said Saving.

Flip, I would love it if my W were to read this and see how I really feel about her. I can say that I wish you were her.

BD

Flip:

With all due respect, I believe you may be mis-reading your WAS.



It took this sort of jarring event to wake me up, quite literally. But I can assure you my intentions to change myself, to amend for my wrongs, and to make my W feel loved (I always loved her) were/are VERY real. Whether you doubt his intentions or not is up to you. You could put your doubt aside and work in good faith to see if you two can save your marriage. That is a possibility that you could choose. Focus on what you can do. Do what you think is the right thing. Try to put your very valid emotions (anger, hurt, etc.) aside and do what is best for you and your family/kids (if you have any).



So what. This is what it took for me to have my awakening. Better late than never. I wish it had happened sooner. It didn't. I am trying to do the best I can and do right now. As an aside, my W stil has not had an awakening into her role in making this mess that os our M/R. Have you had yours? It takes two to screw a M/R up.



Can't really respond to your allegations of lying and half-truths unless you give us details. Does your H know you are snooping on him? Do you feel that is appropriate? I would submit that he is taking the time and effort to be here ONLY because he loves you and wants to save the M. Admirable reasons IMO.



How in the world do you "know" this? You "know" what is in his heart? Is it possible you are assuming the worst, and not giving him credit for better intentions. These matters are extremely complicated, and lots of things are going on in people's heads and hearts. Emotions on both sides are in overdrive. Give each other some slack. Forget about being right. Look for solutions.

I see there are many additional posts since I started writing this. It is a fast moving morning, so will be hard to keep up on this thread.

I wish you and your H the VERY BEST. Sincerely.

Nomo

PS - I wonder if you are my W.

Saving, I felt like CVA for a second there, getting a vicarious thrill -- Saving married to another woman, hooray for pillow fights!
BD

So sorry for thinking you were a guy, savingus77. I've read so many sitches, but am still having problems keeping straight all the nongender specific names. But I'm sure that any of the guys that read this will have that momentary fleeting thought of oh my god what if this is my wife!!!!!

My only concern would be how honest i have been with a lot of personal details (even if it is an anonymous board). I would jump for joy if my W became an active poster on these boards like WAW1978 (or perhaps you flipside). I think it would help her to work through what she is thinking/feeling/doing with all these wonderful people. And I believe it would help us save our M/R, be much happier together going forward, and spare our kids some pretty seriously tough times.

Nomo

Nomo,

I actually have read a lot of your posts and you always tickle me. I have owned up to my part. I allowed myself to be treated that way. It's just as much my fault. I do occasionally think that maybe he has good intentions, but I've been hurt for so long that I'm not ready to jump back in.

If you've read so many sitches, then you should understand the very real pain and desire to change evidenced by everyone on these boards. My W has accused me of manipulating her by my changes (christ, she even said that me trying to be a better, calmer dad to my girls wasn't real and a manipulative attempt to get her back). If she would trust my changes, there would be a great chance for us to have a wonderful love affair.

You came in throwing a firebomb, that may be true. And you've said that you've seen alternative versions of the truth. What if your H is sincere? If he weren't, why would he even be here? Are his lies face-saving or evidence of something deeper? Seriously, why would someone waste time and energy here if they didn't really care about you and having a R with you?

BD

There is a reason why all of us guys are here, and that is to try and make ourselves better people for ourselves. Whether our wives change there minds or not is of little consequence. We realize that the way we were was not the way we needed to be in order to have a loving, fulfilling, and commited relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

Flip - thanks, I think. Tickle you how?

BTW, I would love any feedback/input you have for me on my thread, so please please please chime in.

And I am very sorry to find out you are not my W. (But just in case, I LOVE YOU DEARLY SWEETIE!!!! REALLY!!)



Good start, but I suspect there is more. As you two grew apart, what did you contribute to that? I don't care who started it, did you also withdraw and help the two of you become more distant over the years? What else? Spend some time thinking on it. It will serve you well in your next R, with H or otherwise.



That's fine. Take your time. I believe this time and space thing is huge. And I also believe most LBS are happy to wait, especially if they have a little positive feedback that you just need time and space, and maybe a lot of it, to heal. So think about communicating that to him.

He may not have it all figured out, but I suspect he wants to save the M and do right by you and your family for very good reasons. Almost everyone I have met on here does. It's not an easy road back for anyone involved, but I believe it is a road very worth traveling (despite some additional pain). I hope for the very best for you, your H and your family.

Hugs,
Nomo

PS - if you start a thread, please please please let me know.