My problem in the past was trying to understand exactly what message needed to be delivered.
This is telling me you are MORE interested in being understood, than you are in understanding... and if not understanding... at least validating.
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That meant knowing what was my crap and what was hers, learning to spot a deflection when I saw it.
Just because someone deflects does not mean they are doing so with ill intent. There are all kinds of reasons...
If you take deflection personally, it is probably going to escalate a negative emotion in you. If you are not aware of IT (the negative emotion) and this process, chances are, you are going to take negative action. Now you are WAY off goal, and blaming them for what YOU did and didn't do.
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These issues are beginning to come into better focus for me lately, so I can turn some attention to the delivery method.
I put all this in the context of tactical advantage because I thought it might help you to understand the concept I was trying to convey. That does not mean I am suggesting you need to become more or less tactical.... simply because, to me, the word/concept of 'tactical,' is not harmonious, nor is it conducive for EC.
My example of treating emotions as guest while light hearted did have a large helping of usefulness as a way to deal with emotions. It's not always easy to do this in real time but it has helped me in particular with the emotions of shame and anger. It can help just to let them be without having the emotions take over. Sometimes it can be "hey there sexual desire" its an extenuation of noticing what emotions come up. In a strange way it can let me experience the emotion more, I can feel it and breath it in without it running the show completely. This has allot to do more with my digging around and trying to find my own buttons. YMMV
Well... you are getting the concept better, at least, but no, you don't manage your emotions to give yourself a tactical advantage (although, you can). If you are managing your emotions to gain tactical advantage, you are doing so with the intent to manipulate (either the person or the situation).
Ok with me.
And that isn't good, bad, or otherwise, so long as you are very clear on your own intent (this is where you could enter into the realm of being a very evil person).
That's ok too. But it is not necessary to enter the realm of an evil person, though that is possible. One could also enter the realm of a good person and do the same thing.
This is telling me you are MORE interested in being understood, than you are in understanding... and if not understanding... at least validating.
Having my W understand me is where I believe a lot of our current stand off lies. Her MO is to avoid. That includes not only physical/emotional avoidance, but everything else that goes along with it, including understanding my POV, why I have that POV, my feelings relating to my POV, and why her not understanding all that is a problem for us (I will explain this later).
Just because someone deflects does not mean they are doing so with ill intent. There are all kinds of reasons...
Exactly, which is what I have also told her, but the continual deflections are a blockage nonetheless and are hampering our progress. She needs to be aware of her role in holding back the M.
If you take deflection personally, it is probably going to escalate a negative emotion in you. If you are not aware of IT (the negative emotion) and this process, chances are, you are going to take negative action. Now you are WAY off goal, and blaming them for what YOU did and didn't do.
I agree, but her deflections do not hit my buttons. What gets me angry are her bully/control/ultimatum tactics.
I put all this in the context of tactical advantage because I thought it might help you to understand the concept I was trying to convey. That does not mean I am suggesting you need to become more or less tactical.... simply because, to me, the word/concept of 'tactical,' is not harmonious, nor is it conducive for EC.
I agree completely. It is not. But there is another side too, and that is the damaging effect of denial. Continued denial is not harmonious for EC. As you say, it may not be intentional, but it is still there and still a problem. At times I have been able to explain something that was happening to us and she would have one of those “ahhh hahh” moments. Often this came in the heat of a protracted discussion/argument where we locked ourselves away for hours and worked things out. Leading into these moments she may have been angry, defensive, attacking, etc. But coming out of each and every single revelation, she dropped that anger and we were able to move forward with some feeling of bonding (and also a feeling of relief). Not once has she ever held on to anger because I was arguing/fighting/pushing the issue with her to get to the “ahhh hahh” moment.
The risk of course is that my arguing does not result in a revelation to her and she can justify my approach as controlling, mean, evil, whatever. So it is imperative for me to go into these situations with absolute confidence that I can explain myself in a way that she “gets it.” If I think I can do this, then I do not worry about whether I am using anything for tactical advantage, for that is exactly what I am doing. But I don’t use it for evil, and that is the difference. I only use it for sake of the marriage and SHE IS ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THAT.
This is why I think it is important for people to “push” an issue. A successful push can result in no hard feelings at all. In fact, once the other person “gets it” they actually feeling comforted because now they understand that you have been fighting for them. But you have to be right which means you better damn well know the issues and what you’re talking about. There is a certain high risk to this.
I have an example of what I am talking about from last night. I will try to post this later, but for now I’ve got to get caught up on some things.
I agree, but her deflections do not hit my buttons. What gets me angry are her bully/control/ultimatum tactics.
Okay... then that is something you CAN focus on, within you... and manage... if not for anyone's sake but your own. I'm sure you don't really like feeling angry.
And if you can manage your emotions when she does that stuff...
Okay. We're in the same ballpark. We may even be real close to being on the same base.
Took a little advice from chapter 12 "Invest more time on activities that have lasting, not temporary, positive feelings"
I had some free time yesterday to do just that. So I went out on the back of our property to scope out this years hunting spots. So now instead of just being in a SSM, now I can add poison ivy into the mix
So if anybody out there has a nice cure all for poison ivy, or a sharp stick that I can shove into my eye to make me forget all about the itching Hey !! maybe I've come up with a cure for all the HD people on here. I'll bag up a few vines and mail it to them. We can rub it on our genitals and sex will be the last thing on our minds. (Did I say that?, damn I'm going straight to hell)
Ok, gotta run, time to take a belt sander to my legs.
Hey !! maybe I've come up with a cure for all the HD people on here. I'll bag up a few vines and mail it to them. We can rub it on our genitals and sex will be the last thing on our minds. (Did I say that?, damn I'm going straight to hell)