I asked him how his C went. he said fine. I asked if he wanted to share. He said they just talked about "growing up crap". I asked if he wanted to share more. he said no.
So, I told him that I didn't mean to say hurtful things the other night, but when I feel him withdrawl, I start to get angry and then we just start going in opposite directions. So, that started teh conversation.
I asked how he felt about what I said. he said he didn't like hearing me say he didn't have any real relationships. I said that I was sorry that hurt, but it's the truth. I reminded hiim that he would turn to nobody in time of need. He agreed. I told him that he doesn't let anybody in, but that I wanted to get it. I also said that I'm not going to "yes" him like everybody else does in his life... that this is what you call tough love... that he needed to hear it like it is.
Then I asked him if he was happy. He said "not really". I asked if he sometimes wondered if he wanted to move out again. he said "sometimes". I said that I want to help him, but at the same time, this is all killing me too. I said I wished he'd just let me in so we could work through it together. But that when he's here, it's like he doesn't wnat to be here. I asked if he sometimes wonders if being here is making it worse. He said, "sometimes".
I told him that he's here in person, but not in spirit. And that this house is filled with so much spirit and that it's a place of safety and happiness. But when he's home, it's not those things.
Finally, he said, "I know you're trying to help, but this is torture". I said in a very nice tone, "Okay. I'll leave you alone now." He said, "thank you".
I know, stop the talks right? But I just can't stand living this way. I am feeling suffocated with his dark self here. Does this sound unsupportive and cold? I just have this strong desire lately to just move on with my life.
But am i giving up too soon?
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
My H is more of a child than my children are. I've been feeling miserable for a few weeks now. I look at my H and see someone who just takes me for granted. He doesn't ever, ever go out of his way for me. He does what's best for himself. I have been feeling suffocated by it all.
Then last night, I went snooping again (yeah... I snooped. Shoot me). Frankly, I wanted to find something. I think deep down I was looking for something that would just give me that kick in the @ss I needed to make a move. And of course I did. What I found isn't really relevant. It was DEFINATELY enough for me to say I've had it. I went off on him last night. I said nasty things. He deserved it.
He's going to Vegas for work tomorrow. While he's gone, I'm going to my L. I want to be done with this pathetic excuse for a M once and for all. I deserve WAY better than this. Yeah, I feel guilty for my kids. But I can't live with someone who treats me this way.
I need to stop beliveing his crap words when he makes all sorts of promises to me. He's just a gonner.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS - I am so sorry that you are distressed. I don't know what you found. I suspect that you are frustrated by the fact that your husband is uncommitted to the relationship, and seems 'stuck'. He sounds terribly depressed and, and frankly not through whatever crisis he is having. I think he left before? Sometimes I wonder if some of them don't heal better if they leave, and sort themselves out. My C told me that they shouldn't come home as 'wounded chldren' but as men, and to do this they have to work things through.
Like my h, yours sounds resistant to therapy, and if he is fighting it, it may not be doing any good. I don't know about that - just a hunch.
Are you having any therapy or counselling support yourself? Do take care,
My C told me that they shouldn't come home as 'wounded chldren' but as men, and to do this they have to work things through
This makes perfect sense. And I agree. My H is not in any way through this. I also think he is terribly depressed. And while he is in therapy, I think he is resistant to really digging down to the heart of the matter.
Lissie, you are correct. he is not capable of being married right now - maybe ever.
I said some terrible things last night. I am just so sick of this over and over and over again. Same $hit time and again. False promises. Catching him in lies. Him avoiding answer question. Him putting himself before anybody else.
I don't necessarily want to file right now. But I want to move this forward in some way. I need him to know that I am serious. I need to tell myself that I am serious.
He is a terribly flawed man. I know this is hard. I know it will get harder. I also know I can't be stuck in this hell forever.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Moving forward can be difficult. Believe me, I know. The first thing I did was make a decision that I would be happy. Next I learned to love myself again. That was not easy. Then I kept my goals in mind taking each day as it comes (we should never stop doing this). We all stumble. We all are susceptible to ups and downs. But I just keep focus. The other thing that really helped was when I stopped thinking of the flawed person my ex was. Lord knows I have flaws. And those are the ones that concern me.
Sweetie, I see you as still trying to control the outcome. You know where your H ought to be, and you want so much for him to be there, but you can't do it for him. You must let go. This lesson will present itself over and over to you til you get it. This is your work to do.
I say go drop the kids off at Lissie's and have a massage. Maybe I'll drop mine off there too, D14 can babysit, and we all can go!
IMP, Through this whole process, I have come to a whole new place within me. So, that still remains in tact. But with H's comings and goings, it's been so difficult to navigate through.
NJ, I am still trying to control the outcome. you are right. This is just so hard.
Maybe I shouldn't have used the word "divorce" with him today. Maybe I should just sit back and see if he can fix himself. What I do know is that at the very least, I want a formal separation. I want him to move out (soon). I want a parenting plan in place. I want to make plans for me and my life moving forward. With him in this constant state of flux, I am finding it difficult to make plans for myself.
I find myself still trying to show compassion for H -- as a wounded soul. But does that excuse the constant deception? No! I've tolerated far too much already.
Here's where I get so stuck. I do know I don't want to be treated this way. But if H really is depressed, maybe he can work through it. But it's killing me in the process. And when I keep uncovering lies that he keeps denying, I begin to think he is just not a good person.
This particular lie had to do him supposedly staying at the Holiday Inn in town about a month ago to collect himself. Last night, I found a parking recept from a parking garage in NYC for that entire night - from 6:30 the night before to 10:30 the next day. He had come back that day AGAIN professing his love for me -- making all sorts of promises. But he lied about where he slept.
When I asked him point blank if he slept in the city that night, all he said was, "why are you asking? What's the point? I don't undrestand this line of questioning" He absolutely refused to answer -- refused... like a child. I continued to answer his quesitons of why it mattered (i.e. I belive a W should know where he H is sleeping and not be lied to, etc...). yet, everytime I asked him the same question, he kept saying the same things over and over again.
That behavior is unacceptable. He was obviously somewhere bad enough that he can't answer me. Depressed or not, I should not have to be subjected to that treatment.
I told him I want a D and I'm sick of all this. I said that I was going to call my L. I told him that I meant it this time and not to think he can just sweet talk me anymore, becuase it's all lies. I said a lot more than that. He did not respond. Just left to play golf.
I need to find the strength somehow to let go. To let him go. To let go of the idea that I'm abandoning him in his time of need. When does support become enablement? When does the supportive W become a doormat? Those are the lines I'm struggling with.
It is killing me. Everyday, this is killing me. I need to start living my life, without him. I already thought of some things I'm going to start doing - some activities with the church. I'm going to make a new garden in my front yard.
I don't know who my H is at all. I'm scared by how little I really know him.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
When does support become enablement? When does the supportive W become a doormat? Those are the lines I'm struggling with.
Those are excellent questions, ones that everyone here needs to ask him/herself. And the answers will be different for each and every one of us. Part of the process is making the necessary mistakes until you figure out those boundaries.
Which brings me to:
Quote:
I don't know who my H is at all. I'm scared by how little I really know him.
Do we ever really know anyone else? Don't even go there. Best to concentrate on knowing all aspects of PS, so you can move forward, as a complete person, flaws and all. The idea is to maintain your esteem and confidence despite your H's behavior. You're getting there!
