Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE LoveMatters Today

Hi All,

I recently posted on the Corri's workshop thread, where it was suggested that I start my own thread here in the forum proper.

First let me say to one and all that I've been lurking on this board for quite some time, and have found the posters to be intelligent, insightful, thoughtful and straightforward. The abundance of ideas discussed provides a tremendous amount of food for thought, some of which I haven't digested yet.

I have an original thread from October of last year, about 2 months post-bomb. It's a long read, but I wasn't sure how much back story to include and so erred on the side of caution.

First Thead - Long read

Well, time has past and things have changed, and they have not. There is still no physical intimacy (or physical ANYTHING for that matter) and we are largely where we were last November. I have identified many "Nice Guy" traits in myself and have been addressing those issues for about a month now. DIY - I still have not gotten the book, though I have regularly viewed the forums. I'm beginning to think that perhaps the book is essential (for me at least) because only so much can be gleaned from the forums over there. (Frankly, there seems to me to be quite a few posers on that board, whereas I get the opposite feeling here.) I have been taking care of me, doing the stuff I think needs doing, working on things that interest me, and not being so appeasing of her whims (been going this direction for two or three months now.) Egad! To read through my old thread was to really see how "nice" (read - emasculated) I had become! Ouch!

DIY - I am familiar with Choc's story and I can see similarities and some differences. If my wife is messing around it would have to be when she goes to Florida. Hard to confirm without more resources than I have on the ground there. I have installed a key logger and keep tabs on the cell calls, nothing throwing up any red flags at this point, but who knows? I have directly asked her about three months ago, and she was asked by our MC in our initial session two weeks ago. Both times she said no but, as NOP is wont to say "an infidel will most certainly lie".

At this point I am just doing what I do...Being dad, provider, etc.

We recently went out to a Blues show, did some dancing, had a couple of beers, and when we got home, I was relaxed, confident, and put the moves on her. Shutout. I didn't get upset, just asked her why. She said she didn't know what she felt or what she was going to do. Still not upset (thanks to this board, I maintained composure), I let her know that her indecision was hurting me. I tried not to put pressure on her for a resolution or a specific timetable, but I'm sure she feels pressured just the same. It was then that she stated if I felt I couldn't wait for her to decide, that she would understand if I needed to find an "outlet" outside the marriage! HUGE red flag for me! It is not (and she knows this) in me to willingly seek to violate my wedding vows, and says to me that she is trying to assuage her own guilt for either cheating or planning to cheat. I could be wrong, I don't really know.

We've begun counseling, but unless she is willing to be an active participant, I'm not sure it's not just a waste of money right now.

LM

Get the book do the exercises.
Really you have to do the exercises the board gives you some ideas but it's has many times very little to do with Dr.Glovers work.

Sounds like you handled things well.
What kind of counseling are you going to?

Hey Martelo,

Thanks for checking in. Marriage Counseling. It is my first experience with counseling of any type, excluding a brief one-visit attempt last year in June. I really don't know what to expect, or how to judge this woman's take on the situation. She was recommended by a friend's wife who is a counselor herself, so I'm kind of relying on her guidance. It's hard to tell how much my W is going to be invested in this process at this point. We have only been once.

I'll go ahead and order the book. I've already gleaned much good info from Passionate Marriage, Divorce Busting, Love Languages, and this board. Once confronted with marital/relationship problems, I set myself to find out as much as I could about it.

LM

You know, I have a completely baseless thoery...

It could be that my W had a one night stand at our lowest low last year, when she was in FL for a month. Now, she is having trouble overcoming the shame and guilt and, probably rightfully, afraid of what my reaction would be. She may need to feel as though I won't kick her out of the house, use it as a lever in any D settlement, or throw it in her face somewhere down the line, or use her guilt as a club to beat her with whenever I felt like it.

If this is the case, she may be waiting:

1) to be able to trust that, whatever my reaction, she will be able to cope, and still have a relationship / intact family. Largely dependent on trusting that my love for her will result in forgiveness.

or

2) for enough time to go by to where she believes my reaction will be muted by the effects of time - again allowing forgiveness

or

3) until she just doesn't care what my reaction is anymore, waiting for the last bit of love to wither.

or

4) for me to cheat, allowing a tit-for-tat (heh, tit) situation where she would feel less ashamed or guilty.

This is all largely conjecture, but I could see it playing out that way. The thing is, it really doesn't matter in the long run. My goals and direction won't really change based on any of those scenarios. Just thinking that if this is the case, time and attitude are all that's ever going to matter.

LM

I have been playing guitar for thirty-five years. During the course of my musical life, I have grown from being completely carefree about playing for people (when very young) to being incredibly nervous and apprehensive (mid to late teens) to being relatively comfortable (in working bands for 25 years) to being completely comfortable with my groove (the last, oh, five years or so). My comfort level has steadily increased as my skill level and my self-confidence has increased. For awhile, I could only play for family, then friends, then strangers who were expecting to like what they heard, had come for a specific kind of music, to strangers who were uncertain what they were going to hear. Now, hell I'll throw down anywhere, anytime, at the slightest provocation. I really like the style I've developed over the years, and am comfortable enough to play for anyone. If they don't like it, well, different strokes ya' know?

I have been being LoveMatters for forty-seven years. During the course of my life, I have gone from being completely carefree in my self expression (when very young) to being incredibly nervous and apprehensive through my teens. What measure of self-esteem I had came entirely from my involvement with music. Married young, crashed and burned due to my inability to keep it in my pants (seeking external validation?, I still cary guilt about this). Married again, to a woman who was exactly like me (insecure, needy). I have achieved some measure of professional success, have five great, well adjusted kids, and my music is still going strong. But at forty-seven, I am faced with the possible dissolution of my marriage, and am in a crisis of self-confidence.

WTF?

You would think that having more experience being me than at playing the guitar would have me to the point where I could throw down, be myself, anytime, anywhere, at the slightest provocation in my personal life. That by this time, I would be comfortable enough with myself to just stride confidently into my future, smokin'.

Not so...

I have come to realize that my problem is that I have been practicing all these years to be SOMEONE ELSE. I have been doing those things that I thought would provide me a measure of admiration, love, and success. Not just being me. Huge internal dissonance. I have only come to realize this through the marriage crisis I am currently going through. The people here, the many different books I have read, the self-examination I am going through all lead to this conclusion.

Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close! (I think that's going to be my signature from now on)

I need to practice being me. Period. And hope it doesn't take another thirty-five years to get comletely comfortable with my groove.

Now, I just gotta figure out what being me looks like, feels like, smells, sounds, and tastes like.

Corri's workshop is a good start.

LM:

You can't see what you can't see... until you do.



Isn't that the scariest, most overwhelmingly exciting thing you've ever considered?

Corri

Mmmmm...Hi All,

We had our 2nd MC session today. Much CLF (Continuous Low-level Funk) afterwards. (yes, Corri, I know, but seemingly I just fed the damn thing a whole buffalo haunch or something...)

Not anything new, really. Don't love you "like that", "no spark", "wonderful man BUT", etc. Again, nothing new but I allowed it to get to me.

The MC gave us a specific reconnecting excersise to do, though. She suggested that we should spend 30 mins to an hour together each day, acting as a couple, discussing our R, our expectations, our feelings. Obviously, she read my post on Corri's Workshop and has determined that the difficult way is best.

I feel apprehensive about this. Kind of a heavy stone in the pit of my stomach.

Ah well, the W didn't commit to doing the excersise, and didn't commit to coming back to our next MC session (is it just me, or does she sound a bit, um, non-commital?). We'll see.

BTW, my sisters and I are taking my dad on a cruise to Alaska next month. It's for his birthday. He's always wanted to go back after being stationed there in the military.

A party? Oh yeah, thats a party!

BTW - I changed my handle from LoveMatters to LuckyMe! (see how I did that? Initials the same and all? I am sooo coool)

I just need to keep reminding myself about that lucky part!

Can you find some room for Lou to go, too? (aka DIY, OGLou)

It's part of his 'get a life' program.

Hairdog, who'd rather cruise the Caribbean

Thanks for thinking about me HD. BB is the one that talked about Alaska. Me, a warm lake would be OK.

I am reading NMMNG and some more investment books.