Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #4

Oh to meet other DBers!! : But I agree, keep the reservation anyway if not.

Enjoy your downtime. Did you have to talk to him at all today!! Hey, good luck to S5 tomorrow. Big boy!!! (I think its tomorrow, but I'll feel silly if it isn't LOL)

yeah, I talked to him today. he called this morning and sounded normal, and I sounded normal/upbeat (I was busy, having fun with the kids). tonight he called to say goodnight to the kids and I was a bit cooler...just irritated at him over all of this crap. I wasn't bad on the phone, just didn't have anything to say to him...put the kids on the phone, and that was that. he even had the gall to ask if something was wrong with me. lol.

as for the meet, I think it will be fun...wish you could be there. if it doesn't pan out, well, I'm sure I'll still do something fun. I love a weekend in the city...I'm not far out of it, but nice not to have to think about driving home or anything.

"Oh no honey, nothing's wrong. Life is fanFREAKINGtastic".

Idiots.

Ata girl! We should all be so brave.

Hope the first day is going well!! What did he end up with, morning or afternoon?

Its ok to be irritated, but you didn't show it. You are da woman.

not sure if its bravery. I just don't know how else to be/what else to do. I wasn't bitchy at all, but if he thinks I'm going to be buddies with him, well, that doesn't exactly work, either. I just thinks its amazing that this is the same man I used to know/love.

as for s5, the first day went great! we finally were able to choose, and we chose mornings, just had to give up the bus to do it. which is fine, because we are so close to the school. there will be some tricky logistics because he starts/ends at exactly the same time my twins start/end preschool, at least when they go (on tues/thurs). but we'll figure it out.

I talked to S5's teacher briefly when I picked him up...apparently he invaded her science center, but with her permission. its an area that she usually pulls from to do things with the class, but he has such an affinity for stuff like that she was cool with it and he LOVED it. I absolutely love his teacher, btw. I want to be 5 and go back to kindergarten so she can be my teacher.

while he was gone I had a friend and her son come over to make cookies for the big brothers and commmiserate about our babies getting to be so big. so I didn't get to do it with h, at least there was someone else there who really gets it.

lol because she's already asked me to their annual new years eve party that she and her h host. I didn't know her well last year, so didn't go. I just think its funny because there is someone else out there who thinks about stuff like that so far in advance. and maybe I'll go...but I was telling her that being at a fun party with a ton of couples (everyone we both know is married, keep in mind) might not be the best thing. but who knows. not planning quite that far in advance. lol.

back to h, funny how I breathe easier when he is out of town. what's up with that? he's only gone for the day, and he doesn't live here, so why does it matter? very strange. planning on a nice rest of the day...its beautiful out, may go to the pool again. I keep thinking each visit is the last one, but if we go today, I would put money on it really being it for the year. have a couple of movies from netflix, so going to pop one in and not going to do anything but vej after the kids go to bed tonight.

back from the pool...mostly had a great time. there is one nice looking life guard that is fun for us moms to observe as we help our kids paddle around. under cover of sunglasses, of course. lol.

my friend's h appeared about an hour in and that's where things went a bit south. he's awesome, great with my kids, but its not quite the same as your own daddy being there. S5 got a bit sad at one point...very sad...but I was able to distract him with some play. but oh how hard that was seeing him so sad. friend's h was awesome and got him involved in some stuff, too, but ouch.

chilling out a bit before the kids bedtime. I think we're all a bit wiped out today.

been doing some thinking about h, and did some talking with my friend while at the pool (adult swim is great for this, we paddle out to the center of the pool while the kids chill out on the steps).

its so weird, I can't imagine my life without h, but at the same time, I can't imagine us ever reconciling at this point. I can't even imagine what it would take. and, as I've said before, I can't even picture it happening at this point. so I guess I need to get that new vision more firmly planted in my mind of my life w/o him. So hard when we have so much contact because of the kids. I guess I don't really know how to walk that line between friendly but distant, and completely shut down. thinking about being friendly with him turns my stomach...its hard not to, but it always ends up hurting me because it makes me soften toward him...which in turn keeps me wanting him back. but being shut down seems to also make things miserable, and I would hate for us to have a miserable divorce. a psuedo friendly one is awful enough.

any words of wisdom?

funny thing. just put the kids to bed and my daughter needed to use the potty (again). I swear its becoming a stalling technique. lol. anyway, she was, well, taking her time shall we say, so I was sitting with her and we just started singing songs...we sang a dozen or so, and it was just the sweetest moment ever. and I thought about what that moment would have been if H had been here. he would have likely been irritated, gotten snappy with her about stalling, and would have put me on edge so I would have been a bit jumpy/snappy. most likely I wouldn't have had the sweet little moment we just had.

and I am beginning to really see the good that could come with us not being together. I think that list is growing longer. don't get me wrong, it still kills me that he is doing this, that the kids will be from a "broken" home and such. there are things I very much miss about him. But I'm also starting to accept that there are things I really like about not having him here.

Oh morgan, I sooo know what you mean. This week I have been soo patient with my kids because I don't have someone behind me, either frustrated/annoyed with me, or with the kids. Then the cycle starts, he's annoyed, I'm annoyed/hurt, take it out on the kids, then they become annoying (LOL), and it gets worse. There has been NONE of that this week with him on his trip. H is very patient when it comes to the girls when I am not around, but I am his trigger, his resentment, his annoyance. Doesn't make a person feel good.

I second ALL you said about H and trying to be friendly or even friends, but it doesn't work. At least not right now. I am where you are, I see us together in the future, but sometimes I see us apart, not quite sure we can survive this, or even if H is ever going to want to try.

What movie are you going to watch?

This is how I see it. And by YOU, I mean WE.
A. You go on alone and be happy.
B. You go on alone and be lonely.
C. You go one with someone new and be happy.
D. You go one with someone new and be lonely.
E. You reconcile and be happy.
F. You reconcile and be lonely.

Some of these choices are not ours except the HAPPY ones. I guess in DB we are striving to reconcile and be happy. I see it all the time here. People forgive, reconcile, piece and create something stronger. But some are so hurt they move on and make an attempt with a "blank slate" that comes with a lot more problems. The grass is not greener but what an experiment. It does feel like someone is experimenting with our very lives and the lives of our proginy.

I never dreamed my H would leave his kids while they were this young. Honestly, my dad at least waited until we were in high school and dating. He was still there for every holiday and baseball season and report card. I guess people stuck it out for the kids back then, even through all the infidelities. I am not saying that is better, heavens no.

Morgan,
I know how you feel about feeling relieved knowing he is ot of town. Mine is too and I feel so much better knowing he will not be around the house or going to the movies with the OW or trying to make me feel guilty about having fun with the kids while he is gone. I love having the house to myself and the kids to myself.

I know how you feel about the nice other dads. That is my brother but then he is an uncle and goes home with his kids and my SIL and they watch us walk home alone. I love and appreciate them for being there bt I saw my SIL turn around and she started to cry at the sight of me carrying two bikes home with both kids hand in hand. Sometimes an extra pair of hands to hold is helpful and it used to be their own father's hands. Now I am crying. Stupid.