Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I LOVE living alone

Thanks, HS. Nice post.

I'm home from a nice evening of good music. Have some things on my mind I wanted to get out. Just some thoughts, feelings, ramblings....

First, I want to say that I am not forgetting that there is another side to the story of my M. I always try to think of what my H's position is too. I just don't know if he deserves for me to give him another chance. He may not be after that, I just feel I need to be prepared... as that is what has been the pattern. I have my doubts he will be good enough for me. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but in the past I think I might've been settling and I have no plan to continue doing that. I defintely have more confidence and strength to look out for me than I ever have, so I am not too fearful of making a bad decision.

I have always been hard on myself and looked at my own flaws and mistakes, then decided that we are probably on the same level and that I should stick it out with him. I very often thought I deserved better, but I'm guessing I just didn't actually believe it. Besides being a martyr, I always just wanted to live the dream of being great, lifetime partners with the man I married. It's hard to just shut him down and move on. It's never been me. I have become much stronger over the last several months. I need to again thank him for this opportunity. I have learned to be loyal to myself. I have learned to truly love myself.

A HUGE part of what has contributed to me staying in this M, I believe, is this very growth. I have always been grateful for the growth that these hard times bring me, and had faith that we were both growing in ways we needed to. I had always chose to believe it was what was meant to be. I'd look at how much I grew, and figure I must've really needed that so my M will benefit now. And there's no doubt I needed to grow, but that never ends. I want a partner who offers the commitment I do, and I haven't felt like my H does. He would try to tell me I was asking for too much, but I see I wasn't asking for enough.

I have to say that my H also comes across stronger right now, so I will give it a little time and see just how much he may've grown. A crazy way of achieving it, but you never know and I prefer not to judge.

I'm so thankful to have this forum and community to share this stuff with. It really helps us keep things real.

I guess it's not such a bad habit, or pattern to repeat... giving my M another shot. I just want to be mindful not to repeat those habits that haven't served me well in the past.

Peace and love. f21

Hey J, Husband is being a good monkey for now.... tat is good. This however:



I don't want to sound harsh J, but these are the lessons that we should have learned from our high school and college boyfriends/girlfriends. Maybe even one or two tops from our spouse. However these are not ongoing troughout life lessons. At some point our marriages have to become about to responsible adults who are committed to loving one another and being faithful to that love. Whe do you get that part?


Ian

Hi Ian. Really good to hear from you!

K... not sure I'm following ya here. What lessons are you referring to?

I certainly agree with you that commitment and faithfulness are key in M.

I was referring to the growth from relationships and from the bad things that happen in them. You want to learn those lessons prior to your marriage and try and not have to once you make that lifelong commitment.

What I am saying J is maybe you learned these lessons from your marriage so that your next R will be a healthy one. That may be why you are feeling so detached is you are realizing that your marriage was not fulfilling and may have simply been you learning those final lessons.

There in lies the bluntness......


Ian

Thanks for clarifying, Ian. I think you may have just misunderstood the paragraph of mine that you'd highlighted. There was a lot going on there and I left out a lot of detail, so it's understandable.

I don't share this thinking.... I think that is unrealistic, but to each their own. I don't think it's any accident I was presented (or anyone is, for that matter) with the "lessons" I was, and that is one of the great things about relationships IMO.

Maybe... more will be revealed.

That definitely helped.

I don't believe the "lessons" I have learned, and was referring to, are ones most people learn before they get M. It is simply growth, and that happens with the help of our Rs until we die... IMO.

Thinking about you, at your first day on the new job. Hope it's going fabulously.

Hi all. Happy Tuesday.

Last night was the evening I had H over for dinner and bocce ball. It went really good. I'm a little surprised at just how well actually. It was very comfortable and relaxed. I didn't feel any tension. Don't think he did either. I'm feeling more and more confident and comfortable with myself, and I see it's showing. What a difference it makes in your life.

I think one of the things that has been the most beneficial for me, is that I've used all of this time to heal... to accept, to forgive, to get strong again. And I was fortunate in that I had a good environment/sitch for that... I made it my focus.

It was nice to see him as he was, as I can't remember when he's been as well or as pleasant as he was. He was completely respectful and didn't have moments where he acted immature. I made sure to tell him it was great seeing him doing so well. It also makes me recognize that I'm doing a good job at teaching him how to treat me.

We had fun, and conversation flowed. And.... NOT ONCE did any issues come up. It was really nice to just hang with him as friends. And nice not to be wanting things to be anything more, or different, than they are. I appreciated that he didn't just do all the talking. He was much more interested in hearing from me too, which was new.

He flirted a little, but didn't push it. He gave me quite a few hugs, I stopped counting. One was super long, and he ended up letting a few tears fall but nothing too heavy. That happened after our wedding came up in conversation, which was really nice actually. At one point, he'd said "I don't want to ever have to get married again." I said "yeah, I know the feeling." He repeated what he had said, making it even more clear what HE was saying... that he didn't want to ever HAVE to get M again. I was like "Mmmm" to communicate I heard him, then I said "I'm not sure I want to get M again." During that long hug, he told me how he wished he would've been older and more mature when we got M.

We only got two out of three games of bocce in before it got dark on us and we had each won one, so he said he had a good excuse to come back again for the winning game. He tried to take that a little further, suggesting he'd get to enjoy another one of my dinners. I laughed, and right away he suggested he would treat me to dinner instead and knew just what that could be. I let that be.

We didn't set a date for the next game, but he was happy to have an excuse to be talking again soon as I mentioned to him that we might have some finances to take care of this week. He made it obvious that he is looking for any excuse to hang out with me and being more direct than he has in the past, but he still hints around about ideas more than putting himself in a position of possible rejection. I didn't think of it until now, but next time I will suggest that he just ask me.

Hi f21-

Just stopping by - you sound really good, and it sounds like it was a nice visit from H. I myself enjoy bocce, although I have to admit I've more often played a version known as "beer bocce" that can get a little crazy sometimes. But that's a story for another time.

Seriously though, the visit seems to be like something to simply appreciate for what it is. Keep that PMA going-

Kev

Thanks, Kman! Nice hearing from you.

I agree about the visit. And yep, PMA is intact. Finishing up my course today. Wanna hear about beer bocce. I can only imagine. We drank some beers while we were playing last night, but I doubt it was the same as the real "beer bocce".

Hey HS. Thanks for asking. I passed my final exam yesterday. Yeah, at this point I am still leaning toward that. We will see.

Well, today I went surfing with my H. Crazy. Ran into some friends at the beach, so there wasn't too much time spent just the two of us except for the drive. I had a good time. It was weird how it was so much like old days, but a bit better. He had a more positive attitude, for sure. We are planning on going again, bright and early tomorrow. This is something, considering we had a pretty good disagreement. We worked through it though. Need to get to bed, so I won't write all about it now.

Hope you are all taking great care of your wonderful selves. Have a nice Thursday tomorrow! Peace and love.

hey love... enjoy the beach today. thinking of ya.