Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Monogomous Nympho Frustrated by Sexy LD Hubby

Here's the thing to realize. You don't need to play a "damsel in distress." You are a "damsel in distress." That's why you joined this BB in search of help. NOP is a perennial gentleman so you can count on him for good advice/help. You know that your anger isn't helping the situation but some people naturally tend towards anger when they're hurt. That's why we caution children not to get near injured animals.

The reason you feel so horny is that you are pumping a lot of dopamine into your system unconsciously in the way another person might take a drink of alcohol. The dopamine makes you feel very goal-oriented in a sexual/romantic way so, although you don't have lots of free-floating testosterone like a man, the dopamine levels in your brain cause the little monkey-pump of arousal in your brain to start up and you can become just as horny and sexually assertive as a guy. Five percent of the human population genetically tends towards easy, heavy production of dopamine in the brain and we all tend to be somewhat manic and horny (but also very creative, bold and lots of fun.) What you need to do is figure out how to take care of yourself by calming yourself down but don't make the mistake of thinking that stereotypical calming activities will necessarily do the trick. For instance, one weekend when the guy I'm seeing now was too busy to get together, I went for a really long hike on a new trail, listened to a very interesting book-on-tape and then treated myself to an elaborate ice cream sundae that had just as many calories as I burned on the hike -lol. Don't let anyone try to convince you that it is wrong to be somebody who seeks fun, activity and novelty but do yourself a favor and try to take care of your own needs in that regard as much as possible. Here's an exercise that might help. Tell yourself that you can either have sex with your H tonight or do activity X and then just come up with an activity X that you really think would be as fun and chemically rewarding as sex. Don't worry if it is unrealistic like "If I could hop on a plane for Italy tonight that would be more fun than sex." Those kinds of thoughts will give you a good place to begin and give you an opportunity to re-evaluate whether your current lifestyle is in alignment with your true values and recognize some ways that you aren't taking good care of yourself or perhaps allowing those around you to offer care or do without your care. What I am suggesting is that the real conflict in your marriage might be that you are not maintaining boundaries that will allow you to take adequate care of yourself because you feel like you don't deserve that kind of care.

OOF. I FEEL YOUR PAIN!! (As most of us high-desire women do here!) I'm in my sexual prime, too, and ready to leave my husband. I am hoping he will agree to have a session with a DB Coach this week and see what happens.

Hope your sitch will get better! ((((HUGS)))

OK, I am very confused by this... Do you have something against HD women who claim to be monogomous nymphos? Truly, I love sex and think about it many times a day. I just don't act on my impulses. My personal idea of marriage (besides all the working together to make life run more smoothly out of the bedroom) is to have easy access to sex. I married the guy because I love him (in and out of the bedroom). I prefer to stay monogomous, but as already posted, am uber-frustrated physically.


I have sex toys, and I use them. BUT, it's not what I really want - I want to the 2-to-tango variety. Now, the dog part may be interesting - does bestiality really work, and would that be considered adulterous? ;-) But seriously, cuddling with an animal? Yes, I love my cat (I even give her failing kidney 18 year old body sub-q fluids a couple times a week) and love hanging out reading a book with her next to me, but as a post-coital partner? Puh-lease!



Ahhh - now we are getting somewhere - tho I disagree that this is not a sex issue. I am NOT trying to emasculate my husband nor do I want to pressure him. The problem lies in the fact that he doesn't want sex as much as I do, and ultimately, he controls the frequency. That isn't fair in my book. In my ideal la-la land, he is the grand rico-suave having me go the the bedroom first so he can come waltzing in, with a flower in his teeth and dramatically throw off his clothes to jump on me. Nightly. I will settle for him enthusiastically making sex part of a routine 3x/week without the fanfare. He can schedule the days/time and set the guidelines for what needs to be in place (kids in bed, dishes cleaned, shower before, no lights, whatever) for it to happen.

That aside, it's not that I'm a shrew - it's that my equilibrium gets thrown off when I am not physically intimate with the man who shares my bed, and the result is sheer misery that manifests itself subconsiously (and consciously). It's not like I go out of my way to be mean or spiteful and then shrug it off. It's more that I am in a foul mood and even though I try to be cheery for my own and others around me sake, it's a veneer as opposed to a true positive persona. I easily scowl and become a task-master - and it's my children, not my husband that suffer from that mostly. Again, I spend inordinate effort to not display any sour-puss feelings but it is difficult to look at the man you love, who you asked to share his body with you, who denied you again for the umpteenth time the night before, without being sad/angry/etc. Joy is not a feeling that comes easily when constantly rejected. :-(

OK. I buy this, but am uncertain on how to execute. I need tangible behavioral suggestions here, please...



Truthfully, both.



He leads. I am not over the top. It is very routine, but still satisfying, and I do not complain about it as is. I have mentioned I would like to do more, but will take the status-quo. He knows this (I think) :-)

Loon:



But that is exactly what you are doing. I didn't say that you were doing it on purpose.



So not only does he have power over your sex life, he also has power over your emotions. And I'll bet any amount of money, he doesn't WANT that power... but you keep throwing it at him. Which actually makes you the one who is controlling. Right now, he is so full of resentment, it's killing his drive.

He's also an avoider, and probably does darn near anything to keep from discussing this issue (just to keep the peace). <-- that IS his fault.

If he doesn't want to have sex with you, it's HIS loss. But that is not the way you continue to present it to him. You want something FROM him, and you are throwing a 'hissy' to get it. I understand your feelings, and they are valid... it's your methods I think are your biggest problem.

Corri

MJontheMend - THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for offering tangible advice that I can reflect upon. I need to chew on your post mentally for a while.

And, VLM, thanks for the ++++ thoughts. Good luck to you, too.

Loon:



So you really think that you are doing nothing to contribute to the problem... you are a hapless victim?

I don't know if you've read the SSM book, or any of the other 'sex' books talked about on here (like 'Passionate Marriage'), but... unless there is a specific medical problem inhibiting performance, lack of sex in a marriage is a symptom of other problems in the M... and not the problem, in and of itself (tho it usually feels that way).

I wonder if you've given any consideration to what YOU are doing to contribute to the problem...???

Corri

The SSM book is my bible. I employ the HD strategies with gusto.

Of course I consider my role - again it takes 2, right?, and I have done different things, well differently outside of the bedroom for years and the frequency doesn't really change.

That's why I'm here!! I'm looking for specific behavioral strategies that I can employ. Give me the words, the actions - I want to know all I can do to help change the situation.

As outlined in the SSM book, a lot of the onus for change in the bedroom, from what I can tell - comes from the LD partner, regardless of whether it is medical or not. Last I checked, the brain is the biggest and most important organ involved in sexuality and when your husband thinks that sex is ok in 3x/month dosing... well, he needs to be convinced that way of thinking doesn't jive with his wife and a compromise needs to be made. Again, give me ammo to help make that happen!!

The other thing I did 10 days ago was email him this article - with the preface of "how you can still jetski, motocross, and weighlift, maybe even better at 50 than today":
http://www.forbes.com/2003/10/08/cz_af_1008health.html

and that "hit home" pretty good... his self-absorbed side really resonated with the sex as a component of optimal health message.

I need stuff like that - mag articles, statistics, etc. because he doesn't read books (a bit adhd - never officially diagnosed, but self-professed) to share, too.

thanks again!

oh, and I am not a hapless victim. I fully subscribe to the notion that everyone is ultimately responsible for their lives. I do not blame him for my sexless (let me rephrase that - sex deprived) marriage, I blame myself for marrying him... I made and make choices to which others respond. Again - give me tangible, executable advice. ex. blow kisses 5 times when he leaves for work each day. Communicate 1-4 text messages (no more, no less) when he is away for a duration of 6 or more hours. (I'm making this s&*t up - but kwim?)

thanks!