Yes, we had a pretty good weekend, but... HOT HOT HOT!!!! As you might have seen from other Californians on this board (affair and divorce capital of the world... only kidding!) we're having a heat wave here in California. How are you doing? Any weird weather, storms, hurricanes, etc... happening in your part of the world?
By the way Saffie, hope my response to The Girl and the idea of second best doesn't sound like I'm blasting you. That's a concept I've been struggling with myself and one I've had to personally look at using a different perspective.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
That's fine. I have clarified what I meant back over on the girl's thread. See what you think. I think that maybe there is always an element of possibly being/feeling second best when the S recommitts. It's hard and piecing is as bad nearly as when they have the A - it just brings along it's own set of problems and insecurities!!!!LOL
I think your comments on problems to do with introducing another person/S in the future into the equation are very valid. It takes an exceptional person to love a child as much as the parents do.
No wierd weather here - which is unusual for the UK - just getting cool Summer's coming to an end I guess.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Recently I brought up some OW questions (i.e. just wanted to know they did on their Disneyland vacation together; What rides did they go on? Was it fun? What was bad about it? What was good? Was anyone else there with you guys? Where did you stay? Did you have sex that night?). My husband refused to talk about it. Whenever I ask some sort of question about it he'll say, "Why does this still come up?" and "It's over." But I'm starting to think maybe the reason he can't talk about it is it still hurts him and maybe HE hasn't dealt with it. I would rather this be something we could talk lightly about (and maybe even joke about!), rather than being the dark "unmentionable" in the corner.
Anyhow, I finally copied out the posts on this thread to share with my husband so he might understand how it's not unusual that I'm asking these quesitons. Most people do want to know details about a spouse's affair (even if it was an "exit affair"). He went out of town this week and since he doesn't have a laptop and complained he would be horribly bored, I'm hoping he'll actually read it. I even set "Not 'Just Friends'" on a shelf near his suitcase when he was packing it and he took it with him! So... maybe this is positive?
One of the problems I'm finding with not knowing the details. I'm having a hard time reattaching. It makes me feel like there's secrets and hidden things... and that makes it difficult for me to feel close to him. This doesn't bother me, but I don't think it makes for a healthy marriage.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
But I'm starting to think maybe the reason he can't talk about it is it still hurts him and maybe HE hasn't dealt with it. ================= oh come on hon, you are beating a dead horse, would it make you feel better to know that they had a BLAST, were making out all the time and their fav ride happens to be one of your fav ride? Sweets, i'm rolling my eyes at you, haven't I 've been a horrible example enough of knowing too much? should I share ow's email to my H to you and send you her naked picts? would you like to see that but about your H and that ow?
========= "Why does this still come up?" and "It's over." ============= Remember, the more you bring up op, the fresher her memory will be on your H's mind, my H told me that, that he'd be doing fine and here I came with questions that had nothing to do with anything important and it made him think of her again.
Ask questions that will bring up healing to the M, knowing how often they had sex is just going to bumb you out.
But I know how it is hon, how our minds sometimes have setbacks, as if we didn't know what's better for us, I was despairing again just this week, and had to remind myself by reading old posts about being patient and all that good stuff.
There shouldn't be secrets between a couple, but somethings are better left to die.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You bring up a good point. I guess just because you know doesn't mean you can heal. This morning I drove my son to school, and I was behind a car that had a liscense plate frame that said "Cinderella," and a family sticker showing each figure with mickey mouse ears. I just wish I could look at that kind of thing and not be reminded or feel like I hate Disneyland.
Do you think it's beating a dead horse to ask when it ended and why? Don't you think it might be good to know the negatives about the relationship? Heck, maybe she had gross gas or bad breath at some point. That would make me feel better. I'm sure there's something yucky or embarassing he could tell me that would make me think. "Ha! It wasn't so perfect."
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You know this is a biggy for me. 14 months on, celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary in the Cotswolds, I bring up sexual positions!!!!! Why? It bugs me!! H hasn't thought about OW since the last time I mentioned her
H did look a bit shocked but he did answer. There is no right or wrong to this. You obviously haven't dealt with some things and put them to bed yet. See what your H does/ says when he gets back and take your cue from that.
I do manage to put the questions in a fairly jokey way. And YES it did help to know that the sex was crap and I DO believe that that was true. And it still hurts but knowing that does make me think that he might think very very hard,(!!!lol ), again about doing the same thing because it didn't satisfy him at all. That brings me comfort which can only help our realtionship in the building trust department. It works for me. IT'S PERSONAL.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
========== when it ended and why? ============ now, that is a very good valid question, how often they did it while in disney isn't.
I know , I've been there, and in a way, still affected by the details, how I wanted to know that it wasn't all good when H was with op. I could NOT have been perfect, she was another human being with faults and prob had things your H did not like. I used to try to ask those questions from my H last year "what do you like better in me, what you didn't like in her" and he'd just retreat and refused to answer, I was just bringing up the dead corpse of the A all over again.
My H told me after the most recent bomb how op was pathetic and had so many issues, he out and out told me "she is a wreck, you are not", funny thing is, didn't make me feel any better.
If your H shows you affection and love, that is what counts, how I wish for that in my H, I'm surviving day to day now, reminding myself that Rs need at least a year to fully recuperate from an A, I , again, get no consolation or hugs. You are in a much better place, don't disect the A and keep it open, you are pushing your H away.
You don't need to know what bad traits she had to know you are 100% better as the mother of your children and that (thanks whapu) he wants YOU to be the only one. My self steem still is suffering a bit, but you and I have to remember we are good, beautiful people on our own account, we dont' need to compare ourselves to those whores to feel better.
Your homework, (if you haven't already) is to watch "The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada" with Tommy Lee Jones, observe how the lead carries a corpse for so long it becomes an insane task, think of the corpse as the little inconsecuential details that are bothering you now. Let it go.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Congratulations on your wedding anniversary... in January we'll be on #23! (less 6 months of divorce proceedings??? ).
The only thing my husband does say, and insists on, is that he has had the best sex in his life with me. I think he's probably telling the truth about this. Usually his lying is more hiding or withholding information. Outright lies are not something he does easily. Also, I've known him long enough that I can usually read him pretty well (although that doesn't mean he couldn't pull one over on me... however, I think I could do that much better if I ever wanted to...).
But here's the thing. How do we know we're "good" in bed? What constitutes "good" for a woman? How is one "better" than another?
The only thing my husband has admitted to about sex with OW was that they only had intercourse once when they were both drunk, and he barely remembers it because he was so drunk. I do believe they drank a lot. I think much of their relationship revolved around drinking. After class the entire group would go out for dinner and drinks, and one thing I did notice at the time was my husband seemed to be drinking an awful lot.... to a point where I was getting concerned about it. And one thing I learned later is that OW was a big "partier" during her sorority days, and has continued that. Anyhow, I'm not sure if I believe how much he remembers or doesn't remember. And my guess is they had plenty of other sexual experiences prior to intercourse.
And I know Cat, none of this matters and you are rolling your eyes right now... and I can't blame you because if this were turned around and I was giving you advice I'd be doing the exact same thing!!!!!! Ugh
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Summer's coming to an end I guess.
), again about doing the same thing because it didn't satisfy him at all. That brings me comfort which can only help our realtionship in the building trust department. It works for me. IT'S PERSONAL. 
).