Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Trying to be positive - with hope

So I have decided to post over here, I am going to try and be positive now, I did move here along time ago, but didn’t feel comfortable. Be prepared it will be long!!!!

Brief recap:

1st bomb Oct 06 – H admits he is/was having PA with a coworker, says he loves me and wants to work on marriage; however he falls into a deep depression
2nd bomb Jan 07 – Relationship had continued with ow and H leaves a note stating that he is going to kill himself, had to involve the police and tell his family what had been going on. H in note also mentions about wanting to marry ow
3rd bomb Feb 07 – H call me on cell and states that he has moved out as he is unable to move forward with me, I speak to his sister and she tell me he told them I was in agreement with this, I tell her I had no idea, H goes to stay with his parents however they are less then thrilled and tells him to go home and work it out. H asks to sleep in couch, I say no. Calls the next day and says he wants to talk about the relationship, I agree to take him back and all seems to be moving forward.
4th bomb – Last week

We returned from our holiday(day before) h say he has something to tell me and I won’t like it, he about 4 weeks ago started relationship up with ow again, he doesn’t know why, he thinks he is infatuated with her or something like that, and that he can’t live with us anymore.
I tell him that if that is his decision then I can’t do anything, however I do tell him that I think that he in incredibly immature and only thinks of himself.
At no time has he thought of his children, family or me, and if he thinks life with her is going to be a bowl of cherries he should think again.
I tell him that he is going to lose so much in doing this, and it’s a shame because he will find himself alone one day because she will do this again to him with someone else.
H leaves the house to go for a walk, and is gone for sometime, when he returns he asks me what I want; I tell him he already knows that, that this is his choice.
He says he can’t stay and live with what he’s done, he just doesn’t understand how I love him so much, I tell him because he is my everything, and I made a vow to him, which I still stand by.
He says he wants to stay, so here we are, he is at home and again seems dedicated to the marriage, he has sent an email to ow, which he also sent to me, saying it was over, we have registered for the retrovaille course which we go on in September, he is also looking at vacations for he and I to go on in February or May.

Sometimes I feel this is all so fast, and it scares me, but I have to make the most of it!

oh honey, your story mirrors mine so much it's ridiculous. My H also went back with ow and when found out he just couldn't understand why he'd done that and that he never thought ahead nor about the damage he was causing us, our family. He also can't believe I still want him and that he can't live with his shame and guilt.

I dont' know what our C told him on his session alone, but now H has an understand why we accepted op back (perhaps he understand she was a quick fix and that the prob was him not our R)

Anyways, it is a long road. My H has many issues, and before he's able to work on us he has to heal himself, your H sounds as destroyed and confused as my H was/is. Let him heal himself first, otherwhise he won't have anything to offer you. He needs to seek C on his own (my H was also horribly depressed and on the brink)

During out "piecing" our Hs were not all there, my H led me to believe things went alright, sort of, did tell me a few times he felt disconnected. But once the ow came into the pict he started w/the lies again and drove himself into a mess.

It is very hard, but you need let him reach out to you, you need to let him help himself and fight his demons, if you are like me you've done too much for him and carried the M for both. Can't be like that. Your H needs to be whole, then he'll be the H he should be.

The second time around hurts as badly, but I hope that through what you've learned when it first happen you are able to cope better. Take it one day at a time, hugs)))

Thank you Cat,

I agree, that H needs C, he did go for awhile, then proclaimed himself well!
When this blew up again last week, he agreed that he made a mistake in ending it so soon, and is going to go back.
I think that he is really beginning to understand what he has done, and what needs to be done.
Before he had no intrest in us doing any kind of C, but when I sent him info on the retrouville weekend he agreed right away, with no pushing or anything from me, so I was really suprised.
I hope that I am not getting my hopes up to much, but I do feel better.
You are right about handling things, this time round I have barely shed a tear, and for some reason just doesn't way on me in the same way.

I agree, that H needs C, he did go for awhile, then proclaimed himself well!
===========
Yup, I' would've been wary of that, specially after a suicide attempt, it takes a long time to get well again.

I know it will be much harder for us to trust our Hs this time around, as my C told my H "you need to be an open book for your W for a very long time" because being burned 2x does leave its mark, don't settle for less, give him time but dont' be walking on eggshells. Keep GAL however you do it.

Hi Limbo,

Read the book "Not 'Just Friends" by Glass.. if you haven't yet done so. It will help you understand the "pull" these affairs can have. I wouldn't be surprised if it's the whole "in love" with the feeling of "being in love" thing that keeps a lot of people in these situations. In other words, hormones. An addiction to the hormones these relationships create (excitement, newness, the whole teenage crush feeling... I even experienced that during my divorce and it helped me really understand what the hormones are doing during a time like this... not that I had a serious relationship during my D or did anything with this guy but talk, but it was like an extra dosage of serotonin!!!!).

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Relationship-Infidelity/dp/074322549X

Thank you all for the feedback, god what would I do without this place!

I am feeling low today, I guess its not bad its been a week and half and this is the first time I have felt that things aren't as good as I thought!
Nothing has really happened, but its just a sense, I think that I have just become so super sensitive that the slightest change sets me wondering!
I think more then anything my problem is that I am just so tired, that I don't have the strength to go through this anymore, I just wanted it done one way or another, as I am sure we all do!

Just needed to vent alittle bit!

Gotcha

Limbo's previous thread


Vacation is over

Hi, I can identify with that wanting the feeling of "being in love" thing. Even when I told my mother (which was certainly not easy, but my hand was forced by my H), she told me that I wasn't in love with this OM....just wanted the feeling of being in love.

As I was told when I first came on board....it is like a drug...being in love with the "in-love" feelings and going back for more and more. Then I read the books I ordered from womensinfidelity.com and it really explained it....in fact, that book(s) is what made me decide to stop all contact with the OM. We loose the feeling with that person, so then we break it up and go find a new OP. Then when that "in-love" feeling wears off...we go find another. A vicious cycle is formed.....like a drug habit....and then we have really messed our soul up b/c we will never be satisfied with one man. That scared the mess out of me! So, I stopped immediately. I thought I might as well stay in this M with this H if the same thing was going to happen to me again in a few months....just with a different man.

I don't know if it is the same way with men......(you know...the hormones that we are blessed with causes us to go crazy, and all), but I think their MLC can certainly screw them up big time. Maybe they can go from OW to OW better than we can bed hop around.....I don't know, but in the end, I believe both genders are pretty miserable when that happens.

Anyway, just thought I would throw my 2 cents into the pot.

Thank you all so much for the input, I have realized that h really has been with this ow now for almost 2 years on and off, and this really is something that I worry about.
He swears to me that there has been no further contact since he sent email telling her he wanted to end it, but you know it just doesn't make sense to me, I just don't buy she would have no contact with him, trying to get him back.
I also feel like there is to many questions about his return, 2 weeks ago, he tells me he can't stay, and he doesn't want to stay.
However he goes for a walk(he also says he didn't contact her)and comes back and says he wants to stay.
I think what worries or bothers me, is that he can seem to change like the wind, while we were away, D15 and I had a huge fight, and basically I just broke down, and say no one wants me, he told me he did, and that he loved me, a week later he is telling me he wants to leave!
How can I trust his feelings when they can change like this!

So I told H how I was feeling down, and he asked me why, I told him because I can't figure out why he tells me he wants to leave, and can't stay and then changes back.
At first he says he doesn't know why, and doesn't know why he went back to ow.
However through the course of the conversation, he says he thinks that all he deserves is her, that I deserve better, he still is full of guilt, he also didn't want the kids getting his bad morales, or lead them by example, so he thought it was better to leave.
So I told him that he can't let the guilt eat away at us, and we have to put it behind us, and don't you think it would be a stronger example to the kids to see us fight through this and come out the other side, better and stronger and still together.
I told him I believed he was still a good man who had a weak period, and that he was coming back from that.
He told me to stop because I was going to make him cry, and that "he loved me dearly" and he was going to put me on the pedestal I deserve!
I told him that wasn't what I wanted, but that diamonds were a good place to start!!!!

So I have hope again, and I am looking forward to the retrouville weekend, I believe that it will set us in the right direction...fingers crossed!