Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis some advice pls oldtimers...

hbat

w8ing is so right. We also go through different stages. I was a big mess when this all started. All I can say is to take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I too thought the tears would never stop but they did....eventually. I would cry all the time. I would be driving and crying, watching tv and crying, you know what I am trying to say.

I have been through the grief,disbelief, dispair, anger, want to get even, confusion, no sleep, and dropping over 40 pounds. I had to keep going because of my D and S. Someone had to be sane to keep things as normal as possible and that was me because my h had totally lost his frigging mind!!!!!!

Please try and keep yourself busy as possible. Do things for you! Work on you, for you. You will get there.

Y

YR/W8ing,
Trying to do that is exactly what is killing me though. Everything in my life has to do with h, the kids, our family and home. Yes, I know this is a big red flag waving, but I let it happen and now I've got to deal. Problem is I don't want to do it THIS WAY! I want my h to realize what a mistake he's making! MY feelings didn't change! Where does the love go; or maybe I shouldn't ask that...

Yesterday, he came by and was so ok to be here(even though a short visit), he even thanked me for not 'throwing him out under the circumstances.' I'm beginning to see some guilt in him and that scares me too! He's been so angry and insulting leading up to make his escape. He's been convincing himself I don't take enough responsibility in what issues 'brought us here' even though that is all I can think about.

I'm sorry; I just don't know how to deal with my crazy emotions right now. I know I'm rambling but I'm just looking for answers or solutions!! Please bear with me.

hbat

I know what you mean. My h and kids are my life. Your h will realise what a mistake he has made. He has to do it. Nothing you do will help him through this. I learned a long time ago if you just leave them alone it is better. I was doing the same thing that you are right now and it only made things worse. It pushed my h way even farther. Don't make the same mistake.

Is there an ow involved? They are nasty and mean so they don't feel the guilt. They blame us for everything. I even got blamed for take out food being cold.

Where does the love go???? The answer is they shovel it down deep inside of themselves. My h is really coming around now. Just to let you know there is hope. Take care of yourself.

Y

HBT -
Isn't it funny that we devoted our lives to our families and it turns out to bite us in the butt?



It is no different than dealing with an alcoholic...you can tell them ten times over that they have a problem, but until they admit it AND want to get help, there is nothing you can do. Nothing. You can not make your H do anything - you cannot think for him, you can not make him feel a certain way...nothing. This is his issue - he has to deal with it. And he won't deal with it in the way that you want him to - he will deal with it his way. While he is dealing with it, you need to deal with you. Just like you can't fix him, he can't fix you. This is your responsibility. You may not have thought that you were broken, but I realize now that I was paying so much attention to my family and completely ignoring me. I lost me. My activities, my wants, my wishes took a back seat to everyone elses. TI was always someone's wife or mother. I wasn't me. And while I didn't mind this, I am now understanding that this onesidedness isn't healthy. Make a list of 25 things that you want to do in your life. Take a look at the list - what have you accomplished on it? Not much, I bet. I had trouble making the list. I can come up with about 7 items - I don't think that that is good.

I understand that you don't want to do it this way. Neither do I. I am having trouble accepting that my H is a quitter and that he can so easily walk away from a long history of "us." Unfortunately, I recognize that I can't change his mind (or whatever there is left of it) - I don't have that power. So I have no choice but to deal with it this way. I think it is pathetic and cowardly on his part, but I am determined to deal with it with dignity and grace. Sinmply because he has lost his mind and common sense doesn't mean that I have to lose mine too. Although, admittedly, there are many times when I think I will lose it, have lost it or am in the process of losing it. I think it is all part of the process.

I'm glad you are rambling here - better with us than with him. Unfortunately, I don't know that there are answers or solutions for him - if there are, he has to find them. Don't try and figure out the answers or solutions to his problems - it is an impossible task and will drive you insane. Again, focus on you - it is so important that you do this. It is hard because you are not used to doing it and you feel that you are in a crisis situation. But it is critical that you start to take the steps to do this.

Now if only I could follow all of this advice......

Remember, minute by minute, day by day.

Hugs, w8ing

HBT,

I know you want answers, the trouble is nobody has any. We all do what works for us by focusing on us and our kids. If you see any kind of positive interaction with your H, note it. Try to see what's working and what isn't. It's hard. It would be a hell of alot easier to walk away. I've only been at this 7 mos. and I swear it's a lifetime. The days of crying your eyes out do get farther between and fewer. Then something will set it all off again. Take heart that Yr's H is coming around. There are others here too.

I wouldn't ask where the love went. If you watch closely you'll see glimpses of it sometimes. They do bury it deep though. I wouldn't ask or talk at all about your R/M. It helps me to think of my H as "Captain Insane-O" (complete with cape and tights). It allows me compassion for his anger and hurts. I just don't feel that my hating him would serve me in any way. After all this is the man I couldn't live without. That man is in there....somewhere.

Hang in there and post all you need to.

HBT - How are you doing? I have been thinking about you today and wondering if you are having a better day.....

w8ing

Hello all! Well I need to get back online after a week off without this list to lean on. I'm having such overwhelming emotions this morning; no wonder my h has been 'staying here' for days but has packed his things back up again and poof-back to my insane reality. I'm sure the kids will be surprised he's not here at the end of the day. My heart is pounding out of my chest, was soaked with sweat and simply past out from the exhaustion for about an hour or so. Man, I have got to get it together and GAL. This is definitly the most difficult thing I have ever lived through in my life.

I so appreciate all the feedback and support here on this web; I keep going back to read everyone's postings trying to compare and make sense of it. Sometimes I feel lucky at the 'little things' I still get from h but then I am overwhelmed by the craziness of us not being each other's other half as we've always been. We were SO very close, so affectionate to each other.

Back to my week, I took the kids to our family trip(w/o h) and h shows up the morning before we go, so that took me aback but I was glad to see h. So hard to drive away w/o him and I was distraught the entire car ride, trying to hide it. H calls once a day-THEN surprises me and shows up there the last day before we come home. We end up staying an extra day, his idea! So we all come home this weekend(sep cars) and he decides to stay at the house. I was so thankful of these positive signs even though not hearing the usual ILY and the distant stare just KILLS ME!! I still don't understand how it just disappears like that! We watched TV and ate together all ok but I'm dying inside! Well, h packed up his things and went to work this am with a peck and 'goodbye'. Seemed so final! I tried to not do the R talks during this time but sometimes it still crept up before I could catch it; its just so hard. I told him I just wanted to shake him or hit him over the head to knock some sense in him! I know, I am losing it! He did say a few things that were encouraging but his actions tell the tale, and that blank look. Sometimes I see him 'trying hard' and it feels fake. What a horrible feeling! I know he is confused and feels guilty; I want so bad for him to be real again!


Why can't he feel me anymore like before?? I feel so broken and alone with myself and my feelings. I read on a post this am about a 'droplet' type of h-I think thats him. He is definitely keeping tabs on us and wants to come by but doesn't or can't committ. I guess I feel lucky I'm getting that much from him but I can't stand this rejection!! Please help me do this...

HBT
Glad to see your back. I think that you must remember that this is a very long jounery and it has just began for you. You will feel better after time, for me 3 months so far and I am ready to move on with her or w/o her. In my case she decided that it will be w/o her. I still think that my W is in MLC, but I know now that there is nothing I can do about it but let her go. If and when they ever come out of this fog, we will be the ones to decide if we want them back.

Watch the little signs but don't over analyze them. It drove me crazy. Thought block when you start to get those negative thoughts otherwise you will be the one spinning. We all go through this process and it will be a matter of you getting through it. I wish you luck and hope that you get what YOU want out of this.

NWH,
I'm trying! Its so hard, I just can't seem to go forward. Its such a strange paralyzing feeling! I used to be so independent and strongwilled, but now I am having trouble deciding what to do in the next moment. W8ing said try to make a list of things I want to do for me-but my list is very very short!

I understand ur shoes and feel like I am wearing them. My H left in March- has since said he wants to come home...but the the counselor slowed us down.

I am sorry for the road u r on. it is HELL. sorry but that is the only word for it.