Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? LRT backfire for anyone? More patience needed?

Hang in there Lissie. I have no idea how you folks with kids can do this. How your spouses can be so jealous to do this to kids.

Although sometimes I wish I had a child, or something to "tie" him too.

I know what you mean. We had Kyle after we had been together for 7 years and decided that no matter what we would stay together. I would never have had a child if I thought it would end this way. I thought no matter what we would work things out.

He has told me that he loves me but is not in love with me. He feels he waited too long to tell me. We are currently separated since 08/17 but he is coming over this Sunday to take our S to the local fair and then we are suppose to talk. I am really starting to panic about that talk. I am so afraid he is going to tell me he wants to stay away.

I am hanging in there and this board is really helping me. IO felt so alone and had no clue what to do. I am so glad I found this site with others going through this too.

Yikes Lissie, I think you are supposed to avoid R talk. Read DB and start applying it ASAP!

I am not so familiar with your sitch as I am with Ponygirl's but I am not sure if Going Dark would be right for you just yet anyways. Stay positive and light, no begging or pleading. You can do it.

Pony, there is another forum called Divorced But Not Done Yet. Are you going to peek or lurk there? Have you ever peeked at the Piecing Forum. This process is a loooong one especally when MLC is involved! I think people divorce too quickly in general.

Pony, It is hard breaking the kids up. Having a Disneyland Dad who is homeless is a very precarious sitch. Plus, his heart is not into being a father anymore. I always believed you had to be a good husband in order to be a good dad. I still believe that. Sexist comment. I am happy that my kids sleep every night with me but I sometimes wish they looked more like me! hee hee.

HI mkultra
I know we are not suppose to talk about R but when we made the agreement to separate it was a trial basis and he said he wanted two weeks and the we could go to the fair together and come home and talk. At the time I had not read the book that is why I am panicking since I am not sure what to do on Sunday. Do I try to talk like agreed upon or do I just go with the flow? Should I wait for him to mention it. I was suppose to find a babysitter for our S as well so do I do that or not. I do not plan on begging or pleading. I have been writing a speech kind of at night of what I want to say if we do talk but I keep changing it.

How do you deal with talking about R when they bring it up.

Lissie,

Whether he says he wants to stay separate or get back together after the two weeks, you should try to get him to agree to go to Retrouvaille with you. That is the marital retreat that PonyGirl did with her H a month ago. She and I have both done it, with different results, but we both highly recommend it.

Look at the retrouvaille website, http://www.retrouvaille.org to see what it is about, and find dates and locations for a weekend near you. This is the single most effective thing you can do to repair your relationship. I know you will need a sitter for the weekend, but it is worth is. Maybe your son could spend the weekend at at friend's house.

Here is a thread with a lot of info about Retrouvaille:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1177999&page=0&fpart=1

Try not to have the big R talk with him now, unless it is going very well. Get him to go to Retrouvaille to have the talk there.

I don't think you can describe what has happened as "backfiring." That word suggests that it made things worse instead of better. It may not have "worked" in the sense that he is now more interested in reconciliation (yet), but I do think that it has helped your situation, in that you are less stressed and can enjoy your days.

The year I was separated, I was not "dark" but we were not talking R at the time of our anniv. I picked out a blank card and wrote some "glad you were in my life" type of sentiments, very much in the past tense, and I sent it several days before the anniv.

For Lissie: It doesn't matter if you are raising kids together. In that case, "going dark" means not talking about the relationship, and not using the kids as an excuse to call. As in, "Junior just did the cutest thing, and I thought you'd like to know." Contact is just, "when are picking them up, when are you dropping them off, do I need to send swimwear, just do what it says on the prescription bottle," etc. Going to email only or texting works well for some.

just caught up-- I'm not suggesting Lissie should go dark. But don't pursue at this point. This Sunday I wouldn't push to talk, just follow his lead.

No Piecing, no Divorced but not done. I am still strung out here in Limbo land, waiting. Not much else I can do. I'm not the one calling the shots.

Thus the reason for the "three month ultimatum". He likes to make decisions fast, will not waffle or backpeddle, and I did not want him to rush head-long into divorce/dissolution proceedings, just "because" he likes to "get things done".

The three months gave him "breathing room", so he would not have to ask for it. However, his words and actions during this three month period has not given me ONE WINK of hope. He is still steadfast.

Really, just holding ground, waiting until the second week of September. To see if he has been talking to L, drawing up a proposal, etc. etc. My MC tells me to sit back and let him approach me with all the D details. Don't offer to help or initiate.

If he hits me hard and fast, like "Okay, I waited 3 months, now this is what I propose to do", all I can do is drag my feet, be agreeable, and try to go along, acting all friendly and not shutting the door.

If he waffles, does not come at me with any concrete stuff about divorce, I am going to assume THE GAME IS STILL ON. And will DB in full force again.

Nothin' I can do until then but wait and see what his decision will be in mid-September.

Just reall wish it were not all mixed up in with the anniversary/B-day. I'd rather just let laying dogs lie. This silence is fine the way it is. I don't want him to try and "read" anything into the cards.

Think I will just send nothing. MAYBE a late B-day card.

I printed out, and read daily, a post by T.D. Jakes back here somewhere about "When people walk away from you - LET THEM WALK". If they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

I read that everyday.

H walked away. Not so much as a single word, argument, explanation or fight. I think the MLC reared it's ugly head along the way. But he turned his back and walked.

I deserve better.

Let them walk. I say.

Ponygirl - hang in there. You are in my thoughts and I bet you will get something be it a card or a phone call on your anniversary. Just be patient and wait. Positive thoughts are what gets us through this. You seem so strong to me so I know you can do this and turn everything around for the better.

Sara - I checked out that site however he refuses to do any sort of MC. I went to a T once but she could not fit me in again until next Tuesday so I am on my own now except for my books and this board. I have been reading a lot of the posts and learning a lot. I just hope that when the time comes on Sunday I can hold my own and not break down. Thanx for your help and the site.

My3sons - Thanx for the advice on going dark and for this Sunday. I am going to just play it all by ear and see what happens.

I saw him today for the swap and he smiled at me. He was at the house yesterday as well when he did not have to be. Before we separated I saw less of him then I have been now so I am hoping that is a good sign. He is stubborn and shows me no sign that he is coming home but I am being optimistic and hoping for the best. Have to wait and see what happends.

My thoughts are will all of you. Thank you