Dealing with the situation is getting to me. W comes back to work her two days, of course she comes home in time to get ready for bed and is off to sleep. Staying up and drinking with her H.S. F until 3 a.m. must have got the best of her. Sick of the conversations – short answers to your questions – but does not care to know what is going on. Good thing I stayed positive, did not flair up or get aggravated.
I bought the DB book yesterday and read about half – I guess that is what you do when you are looking for answers. Spent too much time reading the board at work. One of my personal goals is to focus more on the job and reestablish my career.
IMP is right I am thinking too much – I have been trying to do outside projects during the week - I couldn’t stain our deck as I planned since the rain came in so went to see Ocean’s 13 at the second run theater. Popcorn for dinner is not a good idea.
Well just wanted to vent – I did tell her that we have a meeting with the C next week – it will be our first joint meeting – of course she did not have much to say about it.
Anyway one of the things I have read is while your wife is MLC do not buy her gifts. Well as I stated before her B- day is on the 1st …………..so what is everyone’s input.
Your goals are beautiful. They are for you. I spent way too much time reading the board at work. It made me an easy layoff target after 9/11.
As for the interactions with your wife, I understand how you feel. You just have to go with the flow. It is a test of your inner strength. I have to admit to many failures in the inner strength department. But what can you do.
As for the gift, I see nothing wrong with getting a birthday gift for her. But no red roses or the like.
AKFLY- I am sorry you are here. I wish I had an answer for you on the birthday. My 15th anniversary is in less than a month - we were going on a second honeymoon that H bought for me - right now I don't think that I will be acknowledging it. But my stich is a little different - I got the same speeches you did, but he was out of the house a month later. I will follow your post to see what others say...
Congratulations on keeping your cool. It is hard to do! Keep it up!
I bought the DR book and it has become my bible. The main thing that I have learned is that I need to DB for me and my sanity. If it saves my marriage - that is a bonus...but the advice is good for me now.
Thanks for the support. Her brother and SIL moved to Zurich about two months ago - she wants to go visit - I may open an account and put some cash in for the plane ticket - right now I would like to make it a one-way ticket. She does not have a passport so it may take some time for her to make the trip.
The last thing I need now is to get back in finnacial troubles. We just made the turn after a tough three year period. She already is using her Credit Cards (typical)and spending all her cash on clothes.
In the mean time we need to replace both of our cars.
The main thing that I have learned is that I need to DB for me and my sanity. If it saves my marriage - that is a bonus...but the advice is good for me now.
That is exactly what DBing is. It is great that you caught that. Many here really don't get that. I am divorced, but I have found the DB principles are still helpful to me in every day life. DB is a self-help book.
DB'ing is definitely a way to work on yourself. We all lose ourselves along the way, to our jobs, marriages, kids, etc. So, even if our M's are strong, it's always a good thing to revisit our passions, take stock of our personal goals, and so forth.
One thing that DB'ing helped me with .... immensely .... when I was going through the MLC drama with my H, was learning to detach. I find that helps me with all kinds of R's now. I used to get angry when I was hurt or upset, but now I just detach myself from whatever issue and am able to look at it more objectively. So, read up on the lovingly detaching section in the DB'ing book.
I know that when we are hit with the bomb, the tendency is to obsess about what is happening, how to fix it, how to protect the children, becoming depressed and despondent, and so many other spiralling thoughts (all normal, of course). Just know, that eventually (at least, in my case), you do get sick of your own nagging thoughts, and start to find other things to think about and get busy doing. Just give yourself time to process.
Anyway, your W is certainly going through something. Probably, feels like her youth is fading with the impending 40th birthday. Give her some space to figure herself out. You can't really control her, only yourself, so just be polite, but distant, keep certain boundaries, and keep making goals that lead to GAL. Also, avoid starting R talks, and if she brings it up, just try and validate her feelings (not necessarily agree with her, but try and understand how she may be feeling), and really try and listen. Leave whatever you need to say for when you are both in the C's office.
As for the birthday gift ... I would leave the grand gesture of an expensive plane ticket to Switzerland for another time ... it may seem too much like you're trying to buy back her affection, or pursuing in some way. I think it probably best to just give her a fairly generic card (maybe, something humorous), with a gift card to her favourite clothing store ($100 should be enough to not be too impressing) or a gift certificate to a day spa (we women love that no matter who gives it to us)? Make sure the kids remember her birthday, of course.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I am writing this more for my own use so I can go back to it but would appreciate any input. I also want to make sure I am approaching my C meetings appropriately.
Counseling – I wanted to share my first meeting experience. My W and I did separate sessions back to back. W went first. During the session it seemed like I was more of the listener rather than the talker. C used many analogies of her own relationship with deceased H and current boyfriend. It seemed like she got the majority of our background info. (Heritage, religion, etc….) from W. My session went past an hour – I was surprised as well as was the C. The things I left with were as follows: - Diffuse the temper – it is very unattractive and is a turn off. I agree and it is on the top of my goal list. Actually made a big effort even prior to C. - You will need to court your wife to get her to love you again. - You need to be strong – you need to do more of the “man” things around the house. - She gave an analogy of her 50th Bday – with the message that W is not looking forward to her 40th so no mushy presents but would expect something more special and from the heart. - Let your W know that things will workout and be o.k. - Homework – think about the best times to communicate and how you communicate.
I left feeling very optimistic. C stated that this should not take long. So I met W at a restaurant down the street. She was not too happy that my session went as long as it did, as she had to wait at the bar. We ate and had a couple of drinks and I actually was very happy and we discussed vaguely our discussions with C. I did let her know that I truly felt that things would work out. And she smiled like she knew that I was going to tell her that.
The 1st issue is a no brainer and actually realized that well prior and made it a priority. Courting my W – now there is a good one – she is at the cottage 5 days a week, and when I am there she won’t spend 5 minutes with me, when she does come home she will so anything to get out of the house –so how do you court someone when they are not around or they do not want to be with you ? I wonder what she will do when the kids start school. B-day everyone has heard enough and I think I may pass on the plane ticket but she hinted at it and I know she always wanted to take a trip – so who knows. Let her know that things will workout is getting tough, as it seems like it doesn’t detach and steers to wanting to talk about R. Communication – that is even a better one – maybe I should try smoke signals – conversations are bout 5 sentence long.
Reflecting back I really feel like I should have asked allot more questions and if I read the things that I read here and in DB prior to my C meeting I would have been more prepared.
You went over the hour so you really didn't have time to get into more. I actually think it was good that you set a positive tone with your C. Now, when you go back, you have more topics to discuss.
Couple things.
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Let her know that things will workout is getting tough, as it seems like it doesn’t detach and steers to wanting to talk about R.
You told your W this at the restuarant. You got a smile. Let it go at that. You don;t want to be overbearing with any of these topics.
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Courting my W – now there is a good one – she is at the cottage 5 days a week, and when I am there she won’t spend 5 minutes with me, when she does come home she will so anything to get out of the house –so how do you court someone when they are not around or they do not want to be with you ?
Good question which C will have much better inpit than any of us here. But my thinking says don't force it. Courtship requires someone being open to courtship. So this is a tough one. Go with the experts. You might ask for examples. But everyone is different. Actually, I was thinking that finding a way to get her to on the trip might be a good move. It leaves a happy feeling and it gets you away from each other.
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Communication – that is even a better one – maybe I should try smoke signals – conversations are bout 5 sentence long.
And I sdo believe this is to be expected at this point. Again, build on the last C session and get more specific. In a way, I think your W has to come to you. But keep in mind you can't force.
AKFLY Thanks for posting your C session. I have my 1st one next week and I do not know what will happen. W called it but told bro that she wasn't going to say much. Talked to C this afternoon about soloution orientied session which was her plan. Since we setup C I have seen my W stop using th ekids as go betweens and she is not sending text. She called twice yesterday, though the 1st time she could barely talk because she was crying so hard. Today she left a note on it, and laugh if you will it had my name on it and a Hi! after my name. Could this be the start of global warming?? look for the littel things, you are just in the start of all this.
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
