Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Havn't been here for awhile, update.

Hi everyone;
I have not posted in months, I have been reluctent to post for fear of "jinxing" it, or not wanting to get my hopes up, or just not wanting to be too comfortable with my new situation.

For those who don't know me, I got the bomb in Nov. '06 when W told me about OM. W moved out March '07 and we have been separated since that time. She has filed and we have had one court date to set spousal support. In the time since my last post, W has romanced OM with long visits including trip to Europe and several 2 week visits from him here where we live. As of July, my W informed me that her relationship w/ OM was over, and that she would like to see what it would be like to move forward together. Tonight she told me for the first time without being solicited that she loved me. At first she said I must not of heard her because I didn't say anything, I heard her just couldn't believe what I had heard, so I said "say it again" and she did.

We are a long way from healed, but at least we are both pulling in the same direction, and that is all I have ever asked for. I am not afraid of the hard work that lays ahead, I actually look forward to it. That said, the OM issue is still a huge stumbling block for me. Resentment, and lack of trust abound, but I continue to want to be happy, not right.

After we started to reconnect, I took all her pictures back out and put them back up in my bedroom. I have since took all the wedding pictures back down. I have come to the conclusion that I am not married to her, but I am dating her and I need to remember that.

We both agree that we need help learning how to communicate, and at her request, we have made an appointment with a marriage councilor for next week.

Last week we celebrated our 19th anniversary. It was not all I had hoped it would be, but we celebrated it together and were able to talk about what disappointed us about it. She continues to keep her distance and states that she is not sure it will work, I continue to "smile and wave." At our anniversary dinner, she said she still wasn't sure there was any passion for me, I simply said that "that may just be how it is, and that if she had no passion, it ultimately would not work and that was OK, I was just glad to be working together." The DBing continues. It is difficult because every fiber in my body wants to grab ahold of her and never let her go, but at the same time I know she needs to want it to work, and she needs to have time and space to find that on her own.

What I have learned through all of this is that I matter, I deserve to be happy and I want to share that with my wife. I have also learned that even though we have been together for 27 years, I don't know jack sh!t about what my wife is thinking or experiencing. I was soo cocky, so complacent about our relationship. I was such a good husband, yet I never bothered to ask her if she was happy, obviously she was not.

I think we both realize that our old marriage is dead, we have both said that we "don't want it back, as it didn't work", so it is onward. It is frightening and ulcer inducing stuff, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

A big thank you to all of you who kept me focused on what it was I really wanted, I think my wife thanks you as well.

So, Ben, Whatis, Theo, Ford, Amy, Hey, and everyone else, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm glad to hear you are at this turning point. Just remember to be patient and loving with her. The trust and feelings about the A will take time to subside, but they will diminish as time passes and she proves worthy of your trust again.

You need to allow yourself time to grieve the "Old M" though, even though you say you don't want it back. Also, you will grieve the fact that your W is now seemingly a different person in your eyes after what she has put your family through in the whole sitch.

With all of that being said though, it is all doable. The resentment and all of the negativity will fade in time -- it is something you need to work on daily. Just go w/ the flow, go w/ the positives and just be patient.

I have to say one more thing:

REJOICE in your second chance w/ your W and your family. NEVER FORGET the lessons you've learned during this period of time in your life.

I am still learning and reminding myself to NEVER TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED. Remind yourself every day that we are so very blessed w/ our children and our spouse and our life and that's not to be taken lightly.

Wow!!! What wonderful news to see on here. I know it'll take some time, and won't be all fun and games, but like cadesmom said this is a time to rejoice and use patience to get through the hard times!!

Hi Cadesmom and LWB;

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel very strongly that I will never go back to taking it for granted. Yes, I miss my old wife, yes I continue to be angry about what she has put us all through, but at the same time I am excited about what can be in the future. We have talked at length about what we have been through and I think we both see it as what "needed" to happen for both of us to get to a place where we really wanted to find a different relationship together.

Patience; I struggle with it every day, and yet as I reflect on the last 8 months, just about every time I was convinced of something, I found out I was wrong. When all of this began, I thought all this "do it for yourself" stuff was BS, I wanted a system, a plan. The reality is that we simply can't know what another is thinking and feeling unless they decide to share it with us. Everything else is at best a guess. The card my wife gave me for our anniversary talked about where we came from and where we are going. She wrote that "if you had asked me 2,3,4,5,or 6 months ago if we would be here together tonight, I would have said no way, and yet here we are."

We have a tradition of putting one of those glow in the dark stars on our bedroom ceiling every year on our anniversary, I put the 19th one up months ago, at the same time my wife would have told anyone that we were done, over, through, and yet we found our way to the same place at the same time.

It is a great place to be!

Mazel Tov!! Your star tradition is beautiful! I would steal it but I would have to do it for goals or something else! It is an awesome idea! SHE is the lucky one.

81388,

Congratualtions! You have been rewarded for your patience and generosity of spirit. I too am in a resurrected marriage (for want of a better word). The path back to togetherness is rocky in its own right.

My husband and I found our way after going to a Retrouvaille weekend. I recommend it to you as a way to learn constructive communication with your wife, and to heal the marriage. For us it was truly a lifeline. They have a website http://www.retrouvaille.org. The weekend was the place where my Husband and I found our passion for each other again. (And we were not the only ones.) We will be celebrating our 28th anniversary in October.

Best of luck.

I agree with your words, and it's exactly how I feel in my sitch, that if the whole sitch had NOT happened, we would not be where we are today which is a much better place. Just go w/ the flow, enjoy each day and just love your W and everything will fall into place. I truly didn't know what I was missing until I was "forced" to see what had gone wrong in my M.

Heyya 81

I'm very happy for you.

take care

Hey Ford, long time;

Not sure I would be here w/out you. I seriously think part of what started to turn the tide was some attitude. She was free to choose her own course, but I was free to ignore her BS and call it what it was.

Right before she changed direction, I had written her a letter stating that I had tried everything I could think of to let her know that I still cared and wanted to work on a relationship together, but that at every step along the way she refused to work at it. I told her that I would not continue to hand her my heart only to have her break it. I said that after getting hit in the face so many times I was learning how to duck, and that I would miss her and her friendship, but that I could no longer pay the emotional price of in any way supporting what it was she was doing. I made it clear that I still didn't agree with divorce as the only solution, but that I was done.

I really think her change of heart had less to do with the letter, and more to do with the natural progression of the relationship with OM. Hate to support timetables, but 8-9 months, and it ran out of gas.

Thanks again man, I hope all is well with you and your's.