Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? why don't I listen to my own stories?

sounds like his "vision" is changing. "going to a bar and flirting", doesnt seem to match up any more with his new stated goals of "dating you, but having platonic friends".

Maybe you should not worry so much about what his "vision" is right this second. sounds like it may change anyway.
(probably a few times, even )

PPS: please note my other quickie post

I agree that your H is more jealous than he lets on. It's all part of the game--he has to make you believe that he is s-o-o secure, that he *KNOWS* you want only him.

(Just a thought--is it possible that one of these guy friends of yours has a motorcycle? That your H took your riding stuff to see if you would miss it, thinking that perhaps you would go riding with this guy??)

As for going out with the girls so he can go out with the guys, again he figures you won't get into any real trouble, and he can get his ego stroked by flirting with other women. That's if you're talking about the bar scene. But if he's talking about going bowling or camping with the guys, and that you should go shopping or to a movie with the girls, what would be the harm in that? (Of course he can go shopping with the guys and you can go bowling with the gals if you like--didn't want to be sexist.)

It could be a combination of both. I guess, someday, if it comes to it we can negotiate what is agreeable.


thanks Dom

Dom,
Do tell!

I went to my divorce support group last night and asked for their prayers for my H since I see a little ember trying to glow. I also touched on the dating issue.

The facilitator is very clever and said "Do you have any really good marriages to look at? That want you model yours after?" I say "Yeah, my grandma and grandpa." and he says "Okay. So would Gramma go out with a guy without Grandpa." SMACK!

As I said before, I am having some anxiety waiting for the other shoe to fall and am starting to question what is really going on. Like now I am starting to wonder if he really said what he said, or was it more vague than that and I filled in the blanks? (He is highly skilled in speaking in such a way that a person can fill in the blanks and not even realize it until there is a conflict and question regarding intent. Then you realize just how vague the statement was.) In his particular case, unless I *know* that he ONLY plans to "date" me, I am NOT going to offer that to him.

I have NEVER told him the following:
I like to go out and flirt
I'm afraid I will cheat
I married you for the wrong reasons
I don't know what I want
I am confused
I don't think I want to be married
I love you but something is missing

He has obviously made out with someone. (Ugh. that makes me feel ill.)

I have every reason to NOT feel secure and he has every reason TO feel secure. I don't think it is in our best interest that he feel like he can coast along. If I were to say "I don't think it's a good idea to even go out on platonic dates; therefore I will not be doing that. Sorry if I hurt you." He would probably say "That's your choice. I'm still going to." (At which point I can't back pedal.)
And he would probably think "okay. so no threat of her leaving; I can go ahead and not worry about losing her while I get my ya-yas out." AND, given his statement about "Some women would say 'you have to do XYZ to be with me'" he would probably lose respect for me if I just rolled over like that.

In fact- now that I think about it; I think I was WAY too nice after he let me know about his dates. After I got done being mad, I was affectionate towards him, snuggly. I wanted to reconnect because I felt like he had broken our tennuous connection with his disclosures. I didn't want our night together to be icky; I wanted him to go with good memories. That was dumb. I stuffed my real feelings when I should have sat with them and let him 'earn' his way back into my good graces.

*sigh* oh well. Nothing I can do about it now.

my h is the same way...I almost wish I could have a recording device with me, that I could replay after, to see if he really said what I heard, or if I was hearing what I wanted to.

obviously I'm floundering with a lot of stuff myself, but hey, I still think you should take care of that spark. and I love the idea of looking at someone whose marriage you admire and can model after.

good mornin to ya!


You may have noticed I tend to be a "contrarian" on things.
Why stop now?

(side comment about your facilitator.. heh.. you've now been whacked 3 times. are you sore yet? )

about you "starting to question what is really going on..."
understandable. but futile, I think. Try to focus on the positive, and not mentally poison yourself on bad thinking.
Looking back at his actions, compared to your worries over the past 2 weeks, which has helped you more: worrying about all the bad things he MIGHT have done? or staying open to positives?

[btw: this might not actually be appropriate for all people.. but seems like you are blessed with a husband with relatively MILD mlc. you might be happy for that...]

it seems like you are in a relatively positive relationship position now, compared to where you were 2 or 4 weeks ago.
What got you there? fighting, hostility, and pessimism? or sticking to be a loving, loyal, faithful wife, even in the face of poor behaviour on your husband's part?
Seems like the latter to me.
If you believe in Michelle's methods... doesnt it make sense to "keep doing what works"?

Here's something to think about, and compare/contrast:

I think that you got "points" for being strong, and independant, when you demonstrated that you were NOT happy that he was violating your marriage by dating other people.
In contrast, I do not think you would have gotten any "points", if you said you had called your old boyfriend, and were dating him.
Do you REALLY think that would have attracted your husband to you?
Some idiot men, it might have. But in the specific case of your husband... seems like you got major affection(cough) and upcoming dates, and other positive things... because you have stayed faithful, in all aspects.



I dont think you were dumb at all. I think that you very clearly indicated your anger towards him. he understood it. He even kindasorta expressed regret for his stupidity. I think that's what got you all snuggly for him... and I think that is a wonderful thing, personally. You are rewarding him, for treating you better.

If, after you got all mad, he said, "well, I'm having a great time dating other women, and I'm going to keep doing it"... and you still had sex with him... THAT would have been stupid.

you didnt do that.

I think you've done great. I think you should keep sticking to what is working for you: staying open to your husband, and appreciating positive motion from him, while not approving any of the anti-marriage things he is doing.

Agent99 - I've said it before but you remind me SO MUCH of me and how our sep went. I was so happy for the good connections and times that I ended up looking like a doormat, and feeling like I had no self respect (and losing H's respect even more, in the process).

Don't bring it up again - just decide what your boundary is, and how you'll act moving forward.

Edited to add... as Dom said, I don't think it was all bad. If you make it TOO hard he won't want to work at it at all, he'll just move on to someone "easier." You just need to decide what works for YOU and go with that. If you're fine with what happened and stil respect yourself, you're doing great. But if you're feeling disrespected or like you were "used" in some way - figure out what to change, so you can stay emotionally healthy.

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks guys

I don't feel like I disrepsected myself exactly. But I do feel like I may have made myself more vulnerable than I ought to have. And I know that by Sunday morning I was starting to feel, um, desparate is too strong of a word..maybe take desparate and split in half and that is how I felt. I don't like that part.

I don't think I will feel used if he sticks to the idea of only dating me. If he announces different intentions, THEN I will feel used. Very used.

If memory serves, you told H when he moved out, that you were not interested in "dating" him if he was "dating" other women. Now it seems that he has dated other women. The only question is, has he stopped dating other women?

His comment about only wanting to "date" you and have "platonic friendships" with others is too vague--he could mean anything by it. Before you agree to go out with him, it is necessary for you to get a concrete definition of what things he will and will not do. Not you telling him what is acceptable, but him telling you what he intends to do with his "freedom." And then you can decide whether you want to be part of that or not.