Until last week I thought me and WAW's S was due to me "pushing" her out the door by saying the D word during an argument. Well, I just got out shared cellphone bill and noticed this new mysterious number on her call list that looked somehow familiar. Started rummaging through my list of numbers and it turns out the calls are to a guy who I have known for about 15 yrs, and who also has been after my W's panties for at least a year or so. Think he forgot that he gave me his number last year after hitting on my W while I was in the bathroom at a local tavern! The calls grow daily in frequency starting about a week after she first left, including calls to and from him before and after both of our last couple of talks where she tried to give my W ring back to me. I also know she has not been staying where she says she has, and all evidence is pointing to at least a PA with this loser. This guy is a real piece of (S$%t) work...no steady job, dirty, dumb, lying, and even has hit regularly on his best friend's W (my W's sister!). At this point W is not aware of my knowledge of the A. I am disgusted, confused and feel totally powerless. I know if I say something, she will just run to him more, but she has already had paperwork drawn up last week. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and the other part of me knows that eventually she will get bored with this guy and realize what she has with me. He actually is kind of stinky and has been referred to by others as "the furry teeth guy"! Meanwhile, I have GAL in neighboring town-new apt., making new friends, joining yoga classes, getting therapy and remaining faithful while she is digging more holes. W has become intensely vindictive in our few interactions via email (guilt?), and I'm doing everything in my power NOT to engage with her, though blasting some smart comment about her A sounds sooooo tempting. Hel!, we haven't even celebrated our one-year anniversary!
Continue to DB. GAL, move forward. Remember this is all on her time table not yours. Sorry you are going through this, but GAL'ing and DB'ing maybe even going to LRT will be your best bet to help you through this, I know it has helped me immensely, I am only two months into my sitch.
Hummmm.... you say your relationship has always been plagued with problems. You are both young, together 4 years and married 1.... any kids? If you don't have kids and can logically and emotionlessly see that there have always been problems... well. I think you might want to list (1) why you'd want to stay, (2) why you'd want to leave. Perhaps this relationship was a mistake in the first place? I think I'd try to figure out why I married someone who I had always had a rocky relationship in the first place.... There may be some personal growth you need to do before getting involved in another relationship so you are able to make a healthier choise the next time around. Good luck to you!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Ok, sister-in-law just confirmed the A to me last night. Seems my W has told her as well as her own best friend that she never wants to speak to them again. It seems they called her out on the A, and she didn't like it too much. SIL didn't come right out and tell me point blank, but she threw enough hints out that I got the picture.
Coincidentally (?) W also called me yesterday and left a voice message that she doesn't know how she will ever stop being angry with me. She was crying through the whole thing, and what I really think it meant was that she doesn't know how to forgive herself for what she is doing. No matter our problems in the past, I think she knows that what she is doing with this guy is by far the worst possible way of handling our S, which is supposed to be a time of self-reflection and being alone to evaluate the M. I did respond to her message even though she said not to call, so...I sent a short email (no pressure, no blame, no pulling or pushing, no I love you's) letting her know that I still don't want to end our M, will not abandon her and letting her know of the positive changes I have been making (180). Her only response was "don't do this to me." Guilt perhaps? Think I will just sit back again and see what happens next.
I definately wouldn't push anything, let her come to you and if she does you can offer support, but don't beg her or ask her back .. I would just GAL and keep up with the dbing.
Hang in there!
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Ok, so any opinions on whether I should let her know that I know about the OM, or lay low on it? My SIL wouldn't tell me for sure but thinking of letting her know that I figured it out. She is actually very PO'd at W for all of this.
I just don't know if you should bring it up. If I knew, I don't think I could keep it in (H had A, but finally confessed it before I had any concrete evidence). I am so sorry you now know the truth, but in a way, its freeing. Makes you feel less crazy for thinking it, huh?
I wonder if your SIL will just go ahead and let her know that you know.
Of course, in the 'real' world, we all have the right to bring things like this up, but when we are trying to keep our marriages together, these things have to be well thought out. I am a very inexperienced DB'er, so I hope someone else can help more!
