Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Need advice on WAW with OM

Okay, what if do want to date someone. Would it be a bad thing if my wife found out about it?

I've been holding off dating because I haven't really felt like it up until now.

My wife is definitely dating someone, so what's wrong if I do it also?

Thanks,
Svejk

Not saying that there's anything wrong with it, just that you do it for you.

Let me ask you this: If you're ready to date, why do you care if your W finds out one way or the other? If you're dating because YOU want to date, it should be irrelevant to you whether or not your W finds out tomorrow, a week from today or 5 months from today.

Also, regarding dating, are you two officially separated? Might want to contact a lawyer/do a little research. If you start dating and the sitch moves toward D, you want to make sure your W can't take you to the cleaners.

BD

I want to date because I'm tired of being alone and I think it will make me feel better to have some female company.

But I still want to make things work out with my wife. So I guess what I'm getting at is if my wife finds out I'm dating will it help or hurt my chances with my wife?

Svejk

Okay...caution about dating someone...really unless you are done and over your marriage you might want to think twice...

Reasons:

What if you become so involved that you no longer want your marriage?

What if the person you date falls in love with you, are you prepared to hurt them if your W comes to her senses?

Two wrongs don't make a right...just because she has an OM doesn't make it right for you to date...unless you are DONE

Using jealousy is never a good idea...

I understand wanting that closeness and shared company with someone of the opposite sex...but really if you are still willing and wanting to work on your marriage you are playing with fire and someone will get hurt...

This is the time that YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOU...make changes that your friends will NOTICE...but don't feed them information to drag back to W....work on being the best man you can be...so that no matter what occurs in the future you will be better suited for a R that lasts...even if it is with your current W...

You are still very new at this...it hasn't been that long...but if you make the choice to start dating I can pretty much guarantee you that you won't get the results you want...especially if you do it with the intention of getting W back...I know she is seeing OM...but if you go tit for tat with her even if you get back together that will be a bone of contention on her part....(you gave up too quick...you dated too...how do I know what you did or didn't do....)

I would think long and hard on this one...

To take up the time so your not sitting around waiting for wife...take some nite classes....take up a hobby that gets you out...make friends and go out often...to the movies...for coffee...don't be so accessable...this will make you attractive...

Because honestly do you want someone back because they got jealous....or because they realized that they made a mistake and wanted to come back to you????

Thin about it...

Lin

Gotcha. Dunno, though there seem to be two schools of thought on this:
1. Your W will shout "hurray" he's moving on and I'm happy about that.
2. The "I want what I can't have" camp says that if someone else shows interest in you, your W may start showing interest in you again.

From what I've read of your sitch, my guess is that your W falls under category 2, but you'd know best.

And, seriously, if you want to date, do it. I'm inching steadily closer in that direction as well. Not ready for a RELATIONSHIP, but coffee/dinner/hiking with someone that enjoys my company because they enjoy my company is certainly appealing right now.

BD

Thanks Lin and Heimlich..

A lot of good points. As you can tell I'm very confused. I do think it's wrong to date someone while separated and still trying to work on R, but I'm so angry with my wife's seeing OM that it's clouding my judgement.

Based on some comments my wife has made, I'm pretty sure she would show more interest in me if I did start dating someone. She has asked me a couple of times if I was seeing someone else, and seemed relieved when I said no.. what hypocrisy!

I guess I my approach for now will be to not actively go looking for someone, but if someone happens to come along I don't think I will turn her down.

Thanks,
Svejk

Svejk...


***I guess I my approach for now will be to not actively go looking for someone, but if someone happens to come along I don't think I will turn her down.***

I think you need to really think about this...if all it takes for you to move on is for someone nice and available to ask you out, you need to ask yourself "How committed to my marriage am I?"

Your W is insecure...your not dating is showing security to her...if you start dating she might in a "knee jerk" reaction come back to you...but not for the right reasons...you need to be her security...making her feel insecure and "forcing" her home won't result in a happy marraige...and you will ride down this same path again...or directly Pass GO to divorce...

Lin

Lin,

I understand your point, and I'm probably wrong about this, but I feel like I have to do something to get my W to move forward with our R, besides just improving myself and leaving her alone to decide.

I believe that as long as I'm available and not with someone else, she will take this as a sign that I'm there for her and she can come back anytime she decides, and I don't want to wait forever. In the interim she will continue with the OM and doing whatever she wants. I simply believe she is the kind of person that needs something to shock her into realizing that she will lose me someday, since right now she thinks that day will never come.

I'm sure I'm being short sighted, because this process takes much longer than I seem to have the patience for.

I liken this to when my wife would always tell me to stop certain behaviors that bothered her, and I didn't make any changes. I never thought I'd lose her and she finally had to shock me by separating and moving out, and this definitely made me get the message that she was serious. I made some serious realizations and changes that I never would have made if I hadn't lost her.

I know believe that she thinks she can do whatever she wants and never lose me, and she will continue with the separation as long as she know I'm there. Maybe there are more subtle ways to make her realize she will eventually lose me like not always being there when she calls or needs something, and letting her suffer through life without me, and this is probably the way to go but it's incredibly difficult to do.

Probably a bad analogy, but this is the way I feel at this point.

Thanks,
Svejk

Svejk,



Yep, I think you got it right, it's wrong to use someone else to suit your purpose & the universe has a way of ensuring that you pay a price for that, in one way or another.

My H believes I'm "seeing" someone, even though he has no concrete evidence & I've told him I'm not ready to go into another R. That's what creating mystery is all about, there's no need to bring someone else into the picture.



Part of what DB skills teach you, is to ignore how you "feel" at the moment. Feeling change by the minute & if you operate that way you're destined for quite a ride.



There are plenty of ways & lots of ideas right here on different posts.

I agree with Lin, et al, if your W came back b/c she didn't want someone else to have you it wouldn't be the same as if she did b/c she really wanted what you have to offer anyway.

Sunny

Lin/Sunny (and Svejk),

My thoughts earlier today were perhaps too glib, but there's a serious question in there. I don't think either myself or Svejk want to DATE anyone, but rather go on a date with a person of the opposite sex for dinner/coffee or something (not thinking sex here). Nothing serious, just some companionship/friendship with a non-current friend female.

In my case, doing something like that wouldn't be with the intent of making my W jealous, but to make me feel better (and my date, I can chew with my mouth closed and hold up my end of a conversation reasonably well).

If part of detaching is letting the R with our current spouses go, is letting an opportunity to meet someone who might be interested in us go by without taking it holding ourselves back?

I'm pretty shy, so I know it'll take me a while longer to make this decision, but it's hard. On the one hand, I want to start living my life because, as far as i can tell, my W is ready to move on without me in her life. On the other hand, at the moment, I would give my M another chance were she to open the door.

Arrrrrggggggg. This sucks.

Lin, thanks for posting here. I've thought all of those questions your posed and it was great seeing them in black and white.

BD