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Thanks, HS and Jules!!!

HS... that was the final exam for the required course. No, not more practice... lol. Now I wait for my certification to arrive and then I can schedule my State exam. Thanks for looking out for me. No expectations. I think I'm doing good with that. At the same time, I think I'm doing good with setting boundaries also. I am happy with how well I'm doing, and pretty proud of how well I'm handling things. I'm not perfect, but I am feeling really good with myself. It's nice to still feel lovingly detached, and not be sliding back into those moments of worrying about where H is at with us... it really doesn't matter. Have to say... H helps with this too, as he is not Mr. Perfect.

Had a great day at the beach today. The weather wasn't as fabulous as yesterday, but I came home to the warm sun. Started the day with my homemade smoothies and french press coffee again, and I made us sandwiches for lunch today too. It was appreciated and enjoyed. We got out early enough, and surfed in the fog. The surf wasn't as good as yesterday either, but it was just that much more comfortable today after getting that fight out of the way yesterday... hehee. We hung out and visited with a friend again after our first session, so that was cool. He and his W are separated too... not sure if they are D or not at this point. They have a couple kids. We just talked about positive stuff. Was another good day out with H.

H and I both thanked each other numerous times for the great day we had. When he was dropping me off at home, he said today was the highlight of his summer. It is kind of crazy how we can now hang out with each other so comfortably. He seems to be working to respect and consider my feelings more than he ever has, and taking some responsibility. This is a huge step for him. It's nice, but I'm not holding my breath. I won't be surprised if he can't continue facing himself... and that's what he would have to do around me. I don't let him blame me for his feelings. I think I've gotten better at effectively standing up for myself.

Today, H asked me if I ever just think about what things would be like if we would've just started a family years ago when we were younger instead of how our lives went. I told him I really didn't... that I prefer to accept things for what they are and how things went, and just move forward. I asked him if he does and he said "I often think about that." (Glad that was his decision not to have kids yet, and not mine, or it might've been tough to hear.) We didn't continue that convo long, as we were heading into the store for snacks then. He only basically repeated himself when we were in the store. I said ya never know, maybe things will work out better for us the way we did things. Maybe I should ask him more about this thought of his another time? I need to get better at asking him questions about what he is saying, rather than giving him my thoughts. I've often felt he is fishing for my thoughts, and don't feel I get all of HIS thoughts from him.

He later suggested he was slow to grow up, but left it out there for me to comment on. (hehee... nice try.) I just asked him "do YOU think you were?" He said yeah. I acknowledged him, then added that I think I was slow to grow up in a lot of ways too. He said "No, you weren't. You were always mature." I said something like "I had some areas that I was definitely slow to learn in." He seems to be seeing that he has acted like a juvenile in many ways for much of his adult life. This was only one example of that. Most everyone we know have kids by now, and young guys are getting hired on where he works and starting families right away. It seems to be making him think, and he's actually sharing this with me which is pretty nice I must say.

OK, enough for now. Thanks for reading.

Thanks so much, HS! Love your analogy.

It's really nice to be feeling so healthy. It took working on the issues of mine... namely, being hung up on H.... attached, or whatever ya wanna call it... for all this time to get to the place I am. It is SOOOO nice to see it at work with him. That's been the biggest test for me. It's so much easier to apply what I've learned and not fall back into old habits with other people. If we continue hanging out this much, it will likely become more challenging to not hope we will reconcile. At this point, I'm not hoping for that... just keeping an open mind.

My plan is to journal regularly, and keep the focus on What I Want... in life, in a man, in a R. I am moving toward THAT, no matter what transpires with H.

So, it's Friday... long weekend. Hope the weather is nice. Looking forward to doin' my thing.

Wow, sweets, you just brought tears to my eyes with this. You deserve this and I am so glad you are doing that. Keep working toward your goals rather than away from what you don't want to happen. It's easier to chart your progress and you are focusing on the positive. I just love ya girl.


Wonderful!

Good morning, friends. Bright and early for a Saturday.

Thank you, Julie and HS... so much.

Jules... I can't thank you enough. You are always there for me.

So, quick update on the M front....
Caught H in a lie. Big surprise. There isn't much revealed at this point, and it doesn't really make a big difference to me. Bottom line is I am DBing his butt off, and enjoying it. I had my time yesterday, when it first all came up, where I wasn't sure what I would do and/or not do and had to just let it go and get my mind off of it. Julie was great support, as usual.

I let him know in a nonchalant way last night on the phone.(and hadn't even planned on bringing it up... the right opportunity just presented itself and it went perfectly) The kind of surprising thing was that he was honest AND didn't try to lie, when I asked him if he had worked last Sunday... he said "No, I didn't," showing in his voice that he felt remorseful. I asked him "Why did you lie to me about it?" (I couldn't have ever pulled that off when I wasn't lovingly detached... I would've had a hint of frustration, anger, or disappointment in my voice.... and he then would've lied about lying) H... "I was evasive. It was my day off.... I'm sorry." with a lot of guilt and some remorse... pretty honest for him, but didn't come out with the real WHY. I was quite surprised when he admitted he had been evasive. He proceeded to add that he went on a ride that day. Me: oh, on your motorcycle? H: yeah. Me: Ahh... and left it at that because it was a diversion on his part and possibly starting to go onto making up stories. He was really sorry. I kept a great attitude, and was as kind and respectful to him as I would've been any other time. I told him it wasn't surprising (just matter-of-factly, no rubbing anything in), and that I feel bad for him that he doesn't have more respect for himself. I texted him after that convo, to thank him for being honest about being evasive... told him I appreciated that and respect him for doing that, that it took a man. He texted back to thank me and said he needed that. Anywho, there was more that came up in our phone convo but no time to post.

So, the reason we were even on the phone is because I texted him asking him if he'd like to meet me for coffee this morning. He said he would, but he was curious as to whether it was anything serious. I answered his questions he texted me but he ended up calling, lol. This was pretty funny as it all went down. I had a real plan already in place for what I was going to talk to him about this morning over coffee. And it had nothing to do with the latest news, but I guessed he might be nervous about it. I meet him in less than an hour.

My plan came from the concept of showing your H unconditional respect, which is from the book Love & Respect. Julie had brought it up the other day, when I was talking to her about some of the stuff that had come up with H this week. I was reading this book and came up with this plan to kill him with respect (like kill em with kindness). I'm taking things one day at a time, but just want to tell him what all I respect about him and then I think I will be giving myself some space from him. Don't know if I'll feel like hanging out with him like we did last week, but haven't made my decision.

K, more later... need to get outta bed and get ready.

Have a great Saturday!!!

HS... THANK YOU!

OK, so this morning was interesting. We ended up talking D. Not surprising, considering. I am doing good, just taking this as an opportunity to get somewhere. I ended up saying a few things I didn't need to, but I'm not upset about it. My biggest mistake was that I thought I could talk openly with him and he had the ability to listen. I don't think he could handle hearing that I'd been ready to end this M. I wasn't saying that I wanted to now either... I had started to share that I had been trying to find a way to talk to him about us, before he came around and started befriending me... and I didn't get to finish what I was saying. I notice he didn't give me the chance to use the D word. He finished my sentence for me using the term "sever ties with me?" That was where things went bad.

The first part of our visit went well. I said what I wanted to say to him (how much I respect him, and some of the things I respect about him), and he really appreciated it. He got teary, and he told me it meant more to him than I could imagine. We hung out and conversation kept moving. A lot of good things were shared, and I am extremely happy with so much of what I had the opportunity to share with him.

But then came the negative, or the sabotage... which I don't feel overly responsible for. He just started getting angry over divorcing. I was patient and did my best to set boundaries and keep things respectful. Maybe it was a sitch where I should've not been patient and worked at being a good listener. Maybe I should've taken notice that he was misunderstanding me, and spoke up! Hindsight.

He just couldn't drop the anger, and I eventually joined him rather than stick to my boundary of not staying in the convo if he was going to continue with that. I got sucked into that old crazy cycle. Not nearly as bad as old times, but I went there. We parted without making peace. It was nice to not be anxious about that either though, rather than feel insecure about it as I used to. At one point, I told him I am done... that I just want this to be over.

Here's what I texted him immediately afterwards (I know, not one of my best moments)....


His response......


I haven't responded.
What's up with him trying to get me to agree with him?
What do you think he is referring to when he said he feels like *it* is the only one good, solid thing he has??? His knowing that he doesn't want a D? His M? ??? Should I ask him?

Almost an hour later, he sends this....


This is what I have drafted.... Any feedback is appreciated.
Should I enlighten him on the fact that I wasn't even saying I wanted to D, that I was only trying to share where my head has been at recently?

Oh, so he just sent another text...


I feel a little guilty for not wanting to comfort him right away.

I texted him the following....

"I'm fine. Not hurting. I completely understand. Apology accepted."

You are a DBing Master! Wow, can I be just like you. So when he lies, be mysterious. When he is frustrating, be upbeat. Yea, you are DBing his butt off too. Lemme try that today!

H came back with this already....

"Thank you. I know we both just have some hurt in r heart 4 each other. Cause i know, personally, that u r the best thing in my life actually. I just didn't treat the best thing with the care i should have. Like ur house or a favorite car. U start to neglect it. Sometimes until it is too late. Thats painful to take sometimes when u step back and see the damage done."

That is nice. Don't get me wrong... I appreciate it, but I got a laugh out of his analogy. And I guess I just need to vent a little... is it really so painful for him? Damage? I think I have showed him... especially today... a woman who is SO grateful for the wake-up call I was given by him leaving, and who has become so strong. And is so happy and at peace, considering. THAT is damage? I'm sure that's not what he means, and he is not just thinking of me, but it's where my mind went for a moment. Could he not be happy for me? And I haven't closed the f'in door on him YET. Wake up, buddy! It's coming, because you aren't getting your act together. I know there is damage, and we both displayed some of it today... but can he not focus on the positive? and try to stop doing damage?

I sat there today, AGAIN listening to and observing this man show NO motivation to take action with his life and his M. Just what I saw, anyway. That's not a man I want to be married to, and I want to get on with my life. He is an accident waiting to happen. I don't see much in the way of self-control or values or morals. He's just sorry when he gets caught doing stupid sh^t. He said he had no plans, no goals, no dreams. That's sad. But, it's not like me to focus on the negative... just venting it. There's always so much going on in the picture, and that's only part of it.

Ha. Thanks, mkultra.

Hi babe... you did really well yesterday. WTG. Just keep your eyes on your goals. I cracked up at the car/house analogy. I don't f'ing buy it, but I may be jaded and protective. Have a great day, I'll talk to ya soon! Love you!