Morgan, I wish I did have more control over my emotions. That level of calm was not a conscious choice--it was just there (and I am thankful for it, believe me!). It was just two days before that a stranger holding a baby set me off...but I would rather that than loose it around H.
The big test of calm will be Mon, as I go back to court to deal with him trying to go back on his word. I have to vamp myself up, I think, and write out all the things that he has done that were terrible to me and the kids as of late. Anger is not something that you usually want to cultivate, but in this case, it will make me stronger so that I can fight for what is in the best interest of the kids. Any damamge done will just have to be. Once the agreement is in place, it can really only be changed if there is a substantial change in circumstance.
Donna, Could it be that our clocks are still ticking at a deafening level? We are the same age and I REALLY wanted another baby even though our R was difficult. I brought this up to my H when he confirmed the age of the OW and his seriousness about her and he yelled, "I already gave you two kids!" As though he needed to start a new family with a new person and get it right this time. Sick. I guess I still look at babies and think how is that possible now?
Have you thought about moving? Maybe everyone has already asked you that? The thought of moving sounds scary but liberating at the same time.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
MK--No, I am done with having kids. But I did pull that one out when I was trying to desperately salvage the M, as an option. H had a vascectomy, so it would have been difficult, anyway. We both decided that we had the family that we wanted a few years back.
As hard as it is right now with the age kids I have, I can't fathom how anyone could do infancy alone, without the extra set of hands to pitch in.
I think that your D's imagery was SO touching...I can see why you saved it. They know so much more than we wish they would, and it is sweet and painful at the same time.
***
Spent the day with bff down the street. We talked, went out to eat at Friendly's and then played Apples for Apples with all of the kids--a good game for a big range of age levels.
After, we talked some more, and I showed her some of the personals responses. Had a good laugh, and even oogled a few. It doesn't seem as silly to me right now. I don't want to get involved in a R with anyone right now, but going out on a date may help make me feel better. I have never really done that. Something to think about.
I am having a hard time finding someone to come to court with me Monday. My IC thought it would be a very good idea to have someone for moral support and to help me keep strong and focused, and in-laws won't do it (completely understandable). Bff has to work, and I put a few calls out to other friends, so we will see. In IC, we talked a lot about the court mediation coming up, trying to prepare me for it. She also gave me some other ways to approach the $$ and CW things in a more non-confrontational / non-personal way.
As far as the house, he was the one who wanted to keep the kids and his parents in it. If that is no longer important to him and he won't stick with the original agreement, I will tell him that circumstances will have to change again. I will not take on a part-time job to keep the house that HE wanted in his family. I will start looking for a smaller place that I can afford--very matter-of-fact, and something that I really would not cry about if he calls the "bluff."
And the CW involved in the kids' lives--he only left the family home less than 7 weeks ago! IC pointed out, how much does he think the kids can process and absorb at once? It is so incredibly unfair to them, no matter WHO the other person was. What is the rush? (If she really loved him, she would be willing to step back while he finalizes this part of his life--IC feels that he is undergoing a lot of negative influence from CW). He needs to get professional counsel on how this will impact them. An idea was to make the no-contact order for a set amount of time, say 6 or 9 months, that NEITHER of us would introduce another partner into the kids' lives while they make their adjustments to this new life. He will only be seeing them every other weekend--that should be their time with HIM; there is no reason to include others in that so soon!
I have finally let go of trying to get him to change his mind or impart my ideas of what he should / should not be doing with his life. IC pointed out that he seems to be pushing through / following through with the decisions that he made, because how could he admit now that it was all a mistake? He may feel that he has to stand behind his choices at this point. He does nothing but rationalize, and so much of it is just illogical. I do feel sorry for him, but not to the point that I will not fight for the kids. I am taking a picture of them with me Monday to keep me focused on what I need to do.
I know that I am on the top part of the spiral right now, heading up, and I expect more dips; but I know that they won't be as bad as the last one.
Any other ideas that anyone has on these subjects are more than welcomed...
I do hope you can find someone to go with you to court on Monday. It sounds like you and IC are doing some good work on some of the tough issues you are facing.
Agreed Oldtimer, I wish I had Donna's IC right now! She sounds great, Donna.
I have absolutely no idea if this is even appropriate, but would your IC go with you to court, if you paid for it as a normal session?? I dunno if that's a good idea (or as I said, appropriate).. but it's a thought.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
It is a thought...IC has little kids, though, so may not have a sitter...also, not sure how the court will look at me, taking my IC to court with me! I know that I have these situational "mental issues" there that H might take advantage of in court (even though it is the sitch that put me there!).
I hope that a friend, my cousin or even my Aunt might be able to go with me. It got too late to make more phone calls tonight, so I will start again in the morning.
I do really like my IC. H keeps saying that she doesn't seem to be helping me, especially when I start back in with the crying. I keep getting the feeling that he expects me to break out in song and dance with happiness and gratitude at all of the BS he has put me through! But I know what she has been to me, and I am grateful. A bit weird to pay someone who has become a friend, but everyone has to eat, right?
In speaking with bff tonight, she told me that in her last convo with CW, CW expressed real fear about the no-contact order, and how much more I know about the whole legal process in general (she said, "much more than I or H know). Apparently, he hadn't told her that he had agreed to the no-contact order before their "family date" last Saturday--and she became really worried for herself, and that he might be arrested (I am glad that she is so stupid). BFF just agreed that I did always do my research, and that I would "be a force to be reckoned with."
CW's H also told bff that CW would be moving in with H this week. I had asked H that directly on Saturday when I picked up D, and he said no. Wonder where the truth lies...
I read this and will be re-reading it many times over the next few days. I feel like I am there today; now I just have to stay there.
Quote:
Just_Me to Nomo:
I know this is a week after your initial post and attitudes and moods flip-flop quicker than that on this rollercoaster, but I wanted to express an opinion on something you wrote.
You worried that maybe you'd ruin your chances if you truly reached the point of accepting the divorce, moving forward, and detaching completely. And you worried what would occur from the standpoint of your wife if that came out. And that to me says you are still too attached. I guess I don't quite understand what you have been doing that is still holding on as opposed to what you fear will be different should you actually let go. If you keep having hope your wife will want to try or you keep your life on hold waiting just in case, does that increase your odds of success? If your wife doesn't care if you still hold out hope, why does it matter if you do or don't? My questions don't seem clear, but I often wonder what some people mean by "standing" when their spouse isn't even allowing them to do anything. It seems a lot like "standing still".
You should let go. You should be forging ahead. Does that mean you will never be back with your wife? No, it just means you accept that there is a good chance it won't happen. But that doesn't mean there is no chance. That decision has always been in your wife's hands whether you let go or hold on for dear life, she will do whatever she feels is best for her.
I think I need to respond to some of those personals. One of the guys could have been an Abercrombie model...others were writers, dancers, artists... It feels like the whole world just opened up to me, and there are so many opportunities.
Another place that I can experience personal growth.
Good point Donna.. hadn't really thought through the possible implications of bringing a mental health pro with you (even if you are practically friends now). Funny you said that about paying her - our MC almost acts like she feels guilty taking money from us, or something. It's the ONLY time she's not the direct, strong, almost in-your-face (in a good way) type person. Sounds like it's similar for you and your IC.
Hope you can find someone soon who can go with you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
