Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? why don't I listen to my own stories?

good to hear from you. stay strong and tread cautiously. sounds like h has a lot to work thru, mlc and all. but still, nice that he realizes that maybe the grass isn't always greener.

I think its great that you didn't gush all over him when you found him in the house, and that he had to pursue/initiate. Also how you didn't put XBF completely out of the picture, and it was good that you had showings to do. All good boundaries and GAL stuff.

I'm sure when he says he didn't cheat he means he didn't have sex, and I'm sure that he's very proud of himself for that. He probably thought he deserved a medal or something for his "self-restraint." I've been there. He has no idea how hurtful it was for you to have to listen to him describe his dates--he really thinks that you should be proud of how he "matured."

It sounds like you were able to show your disapproval without totally ripping his head off. That's probably about the right approach for now.

He's still got a lot of work to do, talking about "at most" a "platonic" relationship with someone else. BS. What he means by that is, he wants to lead other women on, just for the ego boost of being desired. Then he gets to pat himself on the back for "resisting temptation." At some point down the road, you'll have to explain to him that a platonic friend of the opposite sex is someone you are never alone with.

wow


WOWOW.

I agree about the comments my3sons made. But it's probably not worth fighting over with your H.


But.. I am so happy for you!!

You're going on a date wednesday! You're going to be volunteering together! This is SO GREAT!!!!



I am really, really happy for you. you just keep doing what you are doing, you wonderful loving patient wife, you

About the only possible piece of advice I have, might be to mention and acknowlege to him (at some point, not neccessarily any time soon), something like that you know that people change what they do, and their opinions of things, over the course of their life. A good marriage, is one that allows both people to grow like that, invididually, yet at the same time , together.
[in other words, affirming his desire to "find himself"... yet at the same time, showing that he doesnt have to be apart from you, to do it]


you made my day. I'm very happy :-)

Wow... if only my own wife could think about the possibility of her being in an MLC, like your husband did on himself.

yeah, I figured as much. He didn't give me any specific details, but enough that I totally get the gist of the deal. And it did make me a bit ill. If I really backed up and was logical, I could tell that he was proud and that he was (in a backwards way) trying to tell me something he thought was important.

I did say that I appreciated his honesty. That I need the truth in order to make decisions for myself. I said "I don't want to punish you for being honest" and he says "It's not a punishment if you need to decide things for yourself." And I said "I meant that right now I am flipping you a lot of sht and I don't want that construed as punishment." and he said "oh. I know you're not punishing me. You're mad."



My "fear" is that he wants to have platonic relationships so he can "shop around" and then if someone really sparks it for him, I'll be thrown out like on old slipper.
He tried to tell me that I had been out on "dates" because he knew I had gone out a couple times with a couple guy friends. I said "It's about intent. I would NEVER call going out with R or D a date. And I went out with them by myself and they each paid. BUT, none of us would have called those "dates". That was getting together for lunch or breakfast. I go out to lunch all the time with clients and I don't call it a "date". No, the spirit of it is totally different than what you are talking about." He had to concede.

It would be really hard for me to totally say he couldn't do platonic get togethers because *I* do that. Of course, *I* am not the one wanting to possibly D either. Both the guys I have hung out with, though, are "friends to the marriage", know both of us and want us to reconcile. It's very different.

I am now waiting for the other shoe to fall. We spent so much time together and a lot of it he was tired from a VERY long work week and WAY too much partying at the boys camping trip. The last time I saw or spoke to him was yesterday morning when I was leaving to go work. I said "what's your deal today?" and he said "I'll be heading back. I've got stuff I need to do. I'll see you Wednesday." We're supposed to talk prior to that to discuss the details of the Wednesday date.

I had sent a link to the volunteer stuff and asked him to call. Have heard nothing back and have gotten no call. It hasn't been that long, so I'm not actually "concerned".

But, I do feel paranoid that now that he has gotten to have his physical needs met, that he will back off again and say that we shouldn't be "friends with benefits" and he needs to feel "totally broken up." Right now, I feel like if that happens, I will just tell him to f off and leave me be.

MMm.... you're busted, agent.



no, it's NOT just about intent. and it doesnt matter what you decide to call it.
Because you cant read his mind, and he cant read yours, and that wont ever change.
You were in the wrong on those. You disrespected and hurt your husband by doing that.
I think that if you ever want your husband to not go on "platonic dates", you should apologise to him for yours.


you still shouldnt do it.
uncountable people have ended up in affairs, because they were "two friends, trying to help each other with troubles in their marriage".
"intent"= good. "result" = the worst.

business lunches, are semi-different. but you werent out on business. Treat your husband like you wish he would treat you (or better). Apologise for those dates, and decide/inform him that you wont be doing them any more.
That is to say, no more one-on-one's with those men. That is a "date".
Groups only from now on, is a better way to respect your marriage.
Treat him with at least as much respect, as you wish he would show to you.

He agreed that they weren't "dates". He wasn't hurt; well, I should say that he isn't the jealous type when it comes to me. He knows I love him and am true to him. I guess I could *ask* him if sees a gray area and thinks that they are dates. He knows both these guys. I'm not hiding anything.
But I can see what you are saying.

It is premature for me to try to put any restrictions on 'platonic' dates. He still is "confused" about us. He was VERY careful to not offer too much hope. He says that he has no idea where he will be in 3 months, 6 months, whatever. That he can't offer me any guarantees.

Bringing me back to why I am currently suffering anxiety waiting for the other shoe to fall.

One thing that I just remembered about this weekend that does not bode well is that he would be "excited" and lose it, and get it back, lose it, get it. That's bad. When I am that way, I call it being in "my head" because I am thinking too much. When I said "whassup with this?" (ie, the losing it), he said that he was too much in "his head" & he's been having a difficult time maintaining.(since he's moved out.) I said it's not cheating to do it with your wife. He was getting frustrated which of course, creates a bit of performance anxiety, too.
Crap.

Agent,

Whether your get-togethers with male friends made a problem depends on how your H reacted to them. He apparently already knew about it, and perhaps he got a little jealous/insecure about your intentions. Not necessarily a bad thing to give him a little taste of his own medicine.

HOWEVER, it is a slippery slope. Just as you never imagined your H would hurt you the way he has, you cannot know for sure the intentions of these male friends. They may be "friends of the marriage" and still be providing support in the hope of being there to pick you up when H lets you down. For your own sake as well as the sake of the M, don't do this again while you still have hope.

As for H having his needs met, you may be right, but I think it is clearly more than just sexual needs. Everything that happened this weekend points to the conclusion that he is beginning to realize how much he needs you in his life and how big a loss it would be to lose you.

My only real advise at this point is for you not to pursue him. Allow him to court you, but don't start calling or emailing or texting him all the time.

Just becuase you both agree on something, doesnt make it good for your marriage, yah?


I think you are right there.

On the other hand, that doesnt stop you being able to apologise, does it? You could say, if you agree, that his going out with those other women, made you rethink what you've been doing, and you're not going to do that any more.
That's all you have to say. Dont even try to get him to agree to anything. Just announce your own intentions.
Best case, he might agree to do the same, although that's highly unlikely right now.
Worst case... it will make him happy, and will make him feel a little better over the hurt you have caused him in the past about it.
Make no mistake, you DID hurt him, and he has been very honest about it being part of the reason why he did the whole dating thing himself.



erm.. are you talking about relationship energey, or sex? maybe I shouldnt ask... heh. its the same thing either way, kinda.
Seems like both sides of a troubled marriage undergo the "rollercoaster". This is just a more blatant symptom, i think.




/cheer!

I'd say: Dont worry about it. BE HAPPY, that you had a great weekend.
LOSE EXPECTATIONS that things are going to go 100% rosy from now on. in fact, expect the opposite. I havent read of anyone that had a magically smooth path. seems like everyone has the back-and-forth waffling.

I'll say it again: Be happy; enjoy the positive memories, and look forward to a fun wednesday. PMI, and "act as if" it will go great. It probably will

(Hmm.. that may seem a little contradictory with the "lose expectations" mantra. eh... go with what works in a positive fashion for you.

I'm trying to keep up my own PMI momentum, after a fairly positive weekend. I dont have any expectations that the rest of the week is going to be peaches and cream (MMMM.. peaches and cream.. i ... oops... where was i?) anyways.. I'm enjoying the positive time I've had with my wife recently, and I'm trying to not mess up potential future positive time, by getting all wrapped up in negative dwelling. i hope you will be able to do the same

PS: I think you assume too much about your husband.


What you should say, is that he doesnt ACT jealous.
Speaking as a man, i can guarantee that he was, and is.

You want proof?

Why did he ask you about your old boyfriend?
He didnt just ask you "have you dated anyone?" he *specifically* asked about your old boyfriend. he is jealous.


he's not as secure as all that.
as I said: that's why he asked about that stuff.

Oh no! He didn't go out on dates because of what I did. Nope. He left to investigate greener pastures and that is what he was doing. He is just figuring out that maybe they aren't so green.


Unfortunately sex.



agreed

He wants to see me be more independent. Although, while we were at the location of our first date, he did specify that I should be going out with girlfriends more often. (I'm not much of a "go out and whoop it up with the girls" type.) I think he is thinking of he goes out with the guys, I go out with the girls. Honestly, I "get" that if you are single and dating someone; I just don't feel as comfortable if you are married. It might be a miscommunication thing. My vision is both being at separate bars flirting and being loud and then coming home to each other. Seems a bit like a recipe for disaster. Maybe I am not understanding what his 'vision' is.