Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? why don't I listen to my own stories?

I've been having that same problem, reconciling detachment and being DONE. Just seemed like I couldn't detach without letting go of all hope. But, I like the explanation Dom gave, that makes a lot of sense. Like I've heard in another context, it's simple but it's not easy.

I have a very hard time with detaching/letting go/being done, too. its not an easy thing to accomplish.

I think most of us struggle with detaching. It is very hard for us to do now that we are emotionally involved in trying to save or R's or trying to cope with the loss of a spouse that is gone for good. I have found a couple of good sites and a great book that are helping me.

Would you be willing to share the sites and book you are reading?

Absolutely. This site has been posted in several threads lately. http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm. Don't just read the article on detachment, read the other articles as well (letting go, caretaker, need to fix, need to control). Chances are if you are struggling with detachment then you are codependent on your S. "Codependent No More" written by Melody Beattie can help you with that. But, it also has several chapters that address detaching, that helped me out tons. Another book that has helped me with detachment, forgiveness and and all around better relationship with my wife is "How To Heal A Painful Relationship" by, Bill Furguson. I hope these can help you out with your R as much as they are with my own.

I can't say too much since H is upstairs in my bed; but that pretty much explains with the new subject line is "I am a weak, weak woman."

Yesterday, I was out getting a new top for the wedding and H calls. He was at my(our) house. I was a little miffed because he didn't call first. Thank GOD I didn't have anything embarassing around. It was only 2:30 in the afternoon, so when I saw it was him, I thought it was to discuss driving arrangements.

I get home and he was asleep on the couch. He woke up and I said "what happened to calling first?" Him. "oh yeah. sorry."
So, then I go to leave to do stuff upstairs and he was like "Where are you going?" "come here"
So, we snuggled some on the couch. And then we.....well, there was a lot of action on the couch. and then upstairs. We had to shower to get ready for the wedding, and did that together. I looked damn cute, too.

Oh yeah- I said "Where's my dating and courtship?" and he said "I don't have anything going all weekend- what do you want to do?" I said "well, I have showings tomorrow morning." and he was like "What? You're abandoning me?" He was kidding (kinda.)

Went to the wedding- I LOVED what the pastor had to say. H reached for my hand while we walked to the church. Put his arm around me while was sat in the seats. rubbed my neck. In the car on the way there he told me that he misses me a lot. still loves me a lot--BUT, just had to 'find himself'.

When we went to the reception, he would introduce himself and "this is my wife, L". Many times. We danced. Had a nice nice time. He would put his arm around me or reach for my hand.
He was anxious to get home.


Oh-turns out all the 'stuff' I cleared out of the bathroom was left on purpose. Hair gel, little cologne bottles, etc. After the shower when he was digging around looking for anything that was maybe accidentally left, and he said "that's why I left the stuff here. In case of situations like this." I said "oh. well. I guess you could bring a couple things back."
We'll see what happens.

So, that's my story. I am weak. I had some anxiety last night as we went to sleep. But, now I am out of time because I need to prep to go show homes.

Don't hit me too hard with the 2x4s. I'm only human.

hey, no 2x4s from me...just watch out for them from H. hopefully there won't be one, though.

agent99 got lucky! sigh. even though sleeping with my h would be about the stupidest thing in the world right now, I do envy you a bit.

I wonder if I would even remember how to do it at this point?

Agent99 - no 2x4s here either, just a reminder to be really careful. If it's too easy to come back, he'll either push harder to "feel completely broken up," or he'll come back and then be pi$$ed that it was too easy.

Glad you called him on the calling first thing! (no pun intended). I had to do that a couple of times with my H. He didn't like it much, but I stuck to my guns on that one point, at least.

It actually sounds like a really great time, and I'm glad for it! He didn't just come over to get laid and leave, y'know? He was sweet to you all day, he treated you well. Is it enough forever? No, but at least it wasn't JUST a "booty call."

I'd caution you about letting him leave stuff there "just in case" he spends the night. I wish sooo much that I hadn't done this with my H. It meant he KNEW he was welcome anytime, KNEW I was really unlikely to have "someone" visiting.. I mean really, would I have some guy over with H's razor and shaving cream in the bathroom?? Not that I had ANY intention of having a guy over, but I should have really kept it MY place, and having his stuff there totally went against that. Make him plan it ahead, make him ask - heck even if he starts storing an overnight bag in the car, that's better than you keeping his stuff there to make it easy for him.

hey agent99...hopefully your absence here just means you haven't had time to come up for air. just checking that you are okay.

Whirlwind weekend. I worked all day today running around, wrote up two deals.

Yesterday, H came up with the idea to go to where we had our first date. So, we went there and had a lot of conversation. *If* we get back together, we definitely need to socialize more and also have more communication between ourselves. He looked me deep in my eyes and said "When was the last time we communincated like this?" We hashed out a lot of things; but nothing is solved, per se.

He asked if I had been in contact with the boyfriend (that I told about in my first post of this thread). I told him no. And he asked if I planned on calling him. I said not at this point. I didn't want to muddy the waters and the exbf had a way of exerting his will that I didn't want to deal with. Then he asked if I would call exbf if we (H and I) didn't work out. I said that I wasn;t sure..but, yeah, I might just give him a shout out. Not to get back together, just say 'yo'.

Then he took me out to dinner. That was nice. UNTIL. At the end he says "so, have you gone out on any dates?"
Me"no" then I squirm around and eventually say "I guess this is where I ask you if you have."
Him "Yeah. A few."
My blood started to boil.
Him "They weren't serious."
Me "that's not nice. I know you will stand on the Separation Agreement, but still...grrrr"
I tap my fingers loudly on the coffee cup and look visibly pissed.
Him "Well? You look like you want to say something"
Me "Nothing that can be said in a restuarant."
Him "Oh yeah? Can't be said in a restuarant?"
Me thru gritted teeth "No. It cannot."

Somehow he ended up telling me that one girl was a beeotch. He only went out with her twice. And somehow ELSE he ended up saying "You have no idea"
Me"I have no idea of what?"
H "Well..you just have no idea"
(we go back and forth)
Finally he says "I haven't cheated. I had the opportunity; she was willing. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to." "You know how an MLC is about being immature? Well, the experience made me realize I really do not want that at all. It matured me." "I thought I would be enjoying myself more than I am." "I think I still need to figure out who I am and you need to figure out who you are." "I want to date you and at the most have platonic relationships with other people." "I am too confused to date anyone else." "I miss you a lot." "Did you see how happy I was when you came home? I was so happy to see you." "I have have way more fun with you than any of the dates I went out on."

I asked if he felt like there was more hope for us than he did before he left and he said he did; he just doesn't want to promise anything.

He is taking me to a concert on Wednesday. We are supposed to volunteer together at the end of the month.

We talked about doing more 'different' things. I asked what we would be doing if he had no preconcieved notions about me and we were just starting to date; some of the ideas were going on a motorcycle ride (he would rent one), going overnight somewhere, long weekend away, maybe a short cruise. I nodded my head vigorously to all his ideas.

It was nice to have him here for the two days, but I actually didn't sleep all that great because I was staying awake so that I could 'experience' him being there because i knew it was going to end.

I think the bottom line of what I got was that perhaps I should feel more confident in myself that he will realize who he is walking away from.

There you have it.