Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives need help to win back WAW

Ah if only osmosis worked with book reading. :P Guess I'll stop by the bookstore tonight and pick up some stuff.

Is this recommended to give to the WAW? Prolly W may throw it out in the trash.

I've seen both stats that you mentioned. My guess is that it's 80% of the ones who actually FILE for a legal separation, which is really the "prelude" to a D.

Oh and Nugget - thanks for mentioning that book! I'm going to pick it up as well to see if it helps with my current sitch.

MissingMyHoney - unless you are currently reconciling, no way would I give her that book.

Fair enough on the "need to do fun things for yourself". But you're missing the biggest "growth issue" here.
If you need to be "forced" to do fun things... then you havent really grown at all. What you really need to do, is learn how to be fun when you are NOT living by yourself. That's what marriage is after, all right? otherwise, you can only be fun when you're not married?








Good for you, for recognizing all the factors involved here.

Dave.. i've been reading about peoples marriage difficulties for over a year now.

There are soo many times where the "leaving spouse" tells the LBS, "YOU need to file for divorce".

Why do you think that is? why dont they just file themselves, i wonder?
[my own personal opinion, is that they want the LBS's validation that "yes the marriage is over" before they truely give up on it. and if the LBS does validate "the marriage is over, then they feel MORE justified in leaving the marriage]


more often than not, when the LBS refuses to file themselves... then divorce doesnt happen.

The best reaction that people consistantly seem to have, is along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but I dont believe that is the right thing for me to do; i believe in our marriage".

In other words, not goading the person into doing it themselves by countering "no, YOU DO IT!".... but making it clear in a gentle but firm way, that if THEY want it, then THEY are going to have to file.

Sometimes, the person does file themselves, certainly. but even after filing, it's not the end.
Having your spouse file for divorce is horribly painful. but just "filing" in itself, does not end the marriage.
There's "filing", and then there's "serving the papers", and then theres all the long negotiations, and then after quite a while, there is the "final decree".

only once the final decree is written up, and SIGNED BY THE JUDGE, is your marriage over, and you are "divorced".
and even then... people have recovered their marriage.

Perhaps the MC was trying to cheer you up, and point out that even if you get separated, there is still a strong possibility of reconciliation. But that is a very different thing from saying that separation is the right thing to do, over other alternatives.

D.,

both the statistics, and other marriage counselling sites/books, say that it is waaaay more difficult to recover a marriage, once physical separation takes place.

its not so much a "why is it bad for ME" question. it's more a "why is it bad for EVERYONE" kinda thing.


I posed the 80% number, as copied from someone else here recently. maybe it isnt quite accurate in non-legal ones.
I do seem to recall that in the case of a "legal separation", THOSE are something like 90% headed for divorce.

PS: in case it isnt clear... i'm still separated. after over a year, with not much opportunity to change that.

Dom, is that why you are so bitter about the separation thing? Each situation is different. What works for you may not work for me. What doesn't work for you may work for me. Would I rather not move out? Hell yes. But I just have to evaluate the situation and possibilities....

my point is, you are not evaluating the situation.
you are looking at what you HOPE will happen, closing your eyes, and saying, "whatever you want, dear".

"evaluation" implies that you have actually done a logical analysis of the situation. you havent.
you havent done any research on it. you're brand-new at this. but you are somehow convince that what you are doing is the right thing. Where's the sense in that?
If marriages could be saved so easily by "what feels right", then there would be no need for books, or counsellors on the subject, because we could all just trust our feelings, and everything would turn out fine. right?


Dont "listen to me" -- DO THE RESEARCH!

Or, if you dont have time... then trust me that I have done the research myself.

I'm not bitter... i'm battle-scarred, from experience. My biggest regret, is that i agreed so readily to my wife moving out, and settling on children's schedules so easily.
I didnt start reading about marriage recovery books until a month into the separation; at which point, it was far too late to reverse what had become an "entrenched" situation.

[When she announced she was moving out, i was in shock from the bomb of discovering proof of her online infidelity., and didnt really know what else to do. ]

I'm trying to let you benefit from my experience, rather than you having to learn "the hard way".
Dont just go along with separation, with a "yes dear" attitude.
Show love... show concern and appreciation for her needs and feelings as far as space goes... but draw the line at you moving out.


alternatively, take time off work or whatever, try to get a same-day MC apointment over the phone with someone good, and ask point blank, "is it better for me to move out, or to try to hang in there?"

Dom - what makes you think he hasn't evaluated the situation?