I think it was hardly on me because I did all the searching, and he hesitated for about 8 months before he gave me the ok to go ahead. Had he not hesitated, we would have found her probably a couple of months before she passed away
I think the only reason she told her H is because her H is my H's father (I am so certain of it) because they married only 11 months after he was born. He came from a fairly well-to-do family and they married just after he turned 21 (therefore when my H was born he would have needed his parents permission to marry and her being 25, pregnant, and from a poorer family, I am sure it was a disgrace) What makes me think all the more that he was his father is the fact that I found a first cousin of his, their fathers were brothers. He did a lot of genealogy and posted on a lot of boards (like I do) but he didn't have a clue his father had another brother - rejected by the family for marrying her anyway??
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I resisted taking meds for a long time because I didn't want to be the sort of person that depends on them.
Just been thinking about this again and have another POV on the subject...
As I said, I stopped taking the ADs about 3 weeks ago. While I was taking them, I spent little time and effort thinking about my situation and what I was going to do about it. Looking back, it was almost like I was settling for what I had - and was content just to wait it out and see if things got better all by themselves.
In other words, I think I almost reached the point at where I couldn't care less. I still loved my wife as much as ever, and I probably could have existed for a long time without any real intimacy from her. I still wanted sex, but it just wasn't that much of a deal when she continued to push me away. I wasn't 'zoned out' or anything like that - I was fully lucid, just that my problem wasn't so much of a problem anymore. I was actually making it *easier* for her to reject me.
Not cool.
Because now that I'm not taking the ADs, I'm back to realising that there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. And I'm actually pleased that I'm back to realising that NOW, rather than in 10 or 20 years of coasting along blindly on ADs.
Because if I came off the ADs in 10 or 20 years and ONLY THEN began to realise the same thing, I imagine I'd be pretty pissed that I'd settled for something that didn't meet my needs for such a long, long time.
I guess that what I'm saying is that the ADs seemed to erase my desire to do something about my relatively piss poor situation. And that actually frightens me.
The weird thing is, I spent my life "settling" and "coasting along blindly" before I started the medication, and I'm finding it much easier to take action and do something about my situation while I'm on it.
I'm not so afraid to take action, and it's easier for me to believe that taking action will lead to happiness. Without medication, I tend to assume that taking action will lead to disaster and true happiness will forever be out of reach.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I have taken AD, when my H had his first A. I have managed to stay off them this time (experience??)
However, my H, needed them both times, this time in particular. Without them, he would be completely unable to make any sort of informed decision. For instance, he had only been on them a month or two when we saw the house (we are now living in). We knew we were moving to the area, it was a fantastic buy, and all we had to do was put together some bridge financing (time consuming yes, difficult no) but the thought of it freaked him out. He just couldn't comprehend how to go about it. This was coming from a man that has owned and ran a very successful transportation company and is extremely intelligent (counsellor's words, not mine, although I agree). I had to be the one that put everything together. This was coming from a man that usually would not think twice about handling something as minor as that
The AD, once they got into his system, have worked wonders to help him see much clearer now and be able to sort and prioritize his life (thus the one and only reason he is sticking to counselling AND staying on the meds). The meds will most likely be for quite a while yet, if not lifetime, but right now I see them as the only thing that will keep us together because of how they make him think
On another note, several MC have told us that the more intelligent people are, the deeper their emotions (and therefore their depression) is and the more difficult it is to get through something like this. I tend to agree on that point too
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The only way I can describe being on an AD is that, for me, it adds a layer of defense to my anxiety and depression. I am able to think more clearly; I still feel, but not as intensely. I will tear up, but there is no major crying. For this, I feel blessed.
At the same time, I can't wait to get off this crap. Talk about ambivalence.
NJ - that is (basically" what AD are all about. They definitely don't take away your problems, they just make it easier to deal with them and sort through things a little more rationally
I know it has helped my H (and it did me too) to stop the obsessing big time. He would take the smallest of issues and talk for hours about it - it is VERY exhausting and produces nothing
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Now wouldn't THAT be a GREAT invention? We could make billions!!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Because now that I'm not taking the ADs, I'm back to realising that there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. And I'm actually pleased that I'm back to realising that NOW, rather than in 10 or 20 years of coasting along blindly on ADs.
Does that make any sense to anyone?
Yes. For some people the emotions are overwhelming, and the AD's help them filter enough to make decisions. For example, if I were to go thru another A, I would immediately go on proxac or xanbar's. For some, it just makes them indifferant to the point of not doing anything. Resolving the problem always requires action.
Why dont you update us on your thread AC. What is your game plan for addressing the sitch?
