You cannot go to Plan B with any expectations at all from the WS. Thems the rules. No expectations, no ultimatums, no declarations of emotions or disappointments,no control at all, only control over your own actions. Remember they already know that you love them and do not want a divorce. Do not even state that. You must act as if you are already in love with someone else, yourself!
I am with you in Plan B territory. It has already made me feel better as I am on Day 2. Day 1 was he#@. I can actually sense us missing each other, it is the oddest sensation. I understanf Plan B can take up to two years, but let's be positive. A few months in a lifetime may be worth it? Such a fog has lifted and I feel empowered, until the next trigger.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
OK, my friends, tonight I need your support and opinions. There has been much talk on this board and others about my WS. These are pretty deep cutting suggestions. From what I understand, people seem to think that my wife has some very, very deep and serious issues that are way beyond the A and the M. I'm OK right now. Please don't think I'm going bananas. I've heard everything from BiPolar to BPD to HPD to sex issues to NPD, Jerry Springer, FOO, etc. Whewww...
WTF?
WTF?
WTF?
I don't know what to think other than what to think.
I talked to counselor again today mostly about other matters. A friend was over who has been talking to my wife. He says she just doesn't care. She'll do whatever it takes to keep me off her back so that she can see the kids. Imagine that. That attitude has been pointed out so many times too.
I've told two oldest and dearest friends who were there when I met her the story. I've told them details. I get the WTF response again. When I tell of the sex issue, both are guys, they looked at me like I was crazy. Same with the lying. Etc.
I'm OK. I'm detached, but the feelings of violation, and being used are really strong right now. It honest to God is making me sick to my stomach. I feel these really friggin' strongly right now. They are absolutely 10 bazillion times more disgusting feeling then the A. I can understand the A. But this is friggin' ridiculous. 15 f**cking years of this. And finally being aware of it.
First thing is that you need to control your anger. Sorry, but you must stay in control for the sake of your 8 year old. I read your sitch and it is typically like mine. I snooped too but what does that prove? Aha you are a cheating liar. yes, they are cheating liars! Wow, we proved it. Now what? They may never have remorse ever. And there is no way we can guilt them or reminisce them, or shake them out of denial. the bestthing is to stop all snooping, GAL, and take one of two paths, go dark, or wait with unconditional love, or maybe both.
A person having an affair is going to lie. yes. They want to protect their spouse or stay out of trouble. Pick your goals. If open communication, trust, and honesty is a goal you will have to find the strength to hear this cr$p.. BTW, you can cuss here but avoid saying WTF o her. It is very threatening to hear cuss ing mixed with angry emotions from a man. It is a double standard but I was very afraid when my H would say the F word in front of me and my kids and he weighs 20 lbs less than me!
You will be OK if you can sleep. Stay on the boards. Watch TV. Read a book. Do anything but call her or go into a negative spiral. We have all had these bombs. There are even folks with grandchilden who are going through this. It will get better. She is going psycho and your rage will send her more underground. Let her expose herself and be ready for her remorse or her apathy, either way. never expectthe truth. My dad philandered for over 20 years and has never apoligized or taken any accountability. He stilll acts liuke a super dad. Unfortunatley, I married a man I NEVER expected to cheat and he still claims living with his OW while we are married is justified because I kicked him out for his alleged drug use.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thank you. Anger? I think so. At least right now. I talk crazy here cause I can.
NC still. I've been through enough voodoo so far that in real life I'm under control.
I'm flipping out here cause I can. It's the safe place. And you and others who understand are here.
Funny, when I vent and hear the feedback it does make me feel better.
My point tonight is that my marriage may have been and it looks like it has been a "mirage". May not have really existed.
WS has a brother who I've always thought had the issues my WS has been suggested as having. She by her own admission raised him. I never put two and two together.
Bingo !!!
The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. This may explain everything (?).
OK. A couple more lines of BoBeLiNa bullpoopy and then I'm going to bed...
I'll be rambling...
I never was in touch with my feelings growing up and not until my nitemare did I get in touch with them. Mr Spock was my hero. :barf:
First counselor I saw I found those feelings. Made me start to cry. I NEVER cry. He helped me to realize how I was feeling about my M. Ouchy.
My main counselor taught me how to control myself around WS. I delearned sarcasm, angry outbursts, etc. I wasn't much of a user of this stuff anyways. He taught me to get most of it to zilch.
In Feb this year before exposure I was starting to feel the repressed feelings affect my health, hence exposure. Then for the first time (?) I really started to start feeling the anger and resentment, violation, being used, etc. That was the hardest thing yet to contain. Especially if your supposed to be in R. But the hits from her kept coming. I tried to focus on the good, which there was a lot of (sort of ?, at least for her?). We were spending a lot of time together. Closer, but not really, as there were still gangs of things being hidden from me. Lack of honesty and openess and transparency from her. Good for her. Bad for me.
The icky feelings wouldn't go away. Then again she wasn't living by the: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp She more or less refused too. She thought it was silly. Just like MC. If there wasn't one excuse there was a thousand.
For a little while she was "In love with me".
Then in May the FEELING again. Something ain't right. Get her to counselor in Jun and I hear AGAIN ILBINILWY. "Can't we just be friends". :duh:
Then the last conversation Jul 9 and D time.
I feel that this whole marriage was kinda a mirage. Why she would live like this for 15 or so years I don't know. I just don't know. Then I start posting and hear how messed up my life's been and hear about all these personality disorders and enabling and co-dependency and sex issues and etc and it being directly applied to my life. I'd been thinking I'd had a pretty good grip on understanding what had happened to WS and I and then these other dimensions are being discussed. Also the same time the counselor is letting me figure this out also. Just such a chapter. All at once from many sources including my confidants. I'm being unindated with these views. Even OM BS.
Overriding theme is that WS is REALLY messed up. It's really not the A or M or me or God or Money or sex or kids or time or this that and the other thing, it really is about HER... HER... HER... And it's even crazier than I would have ever thought. And I'm thinking, "Is this even freakin' possible?". "Am I really this stupid to have never seen this?". "What the h**ll is wrong with me?". "What the hell is really going on here?".
I never ever thought of her as being messed up. Or a bad person. Or manipulative. Or controlling. Or condescending. I thought that that described me, as she had been telling me that about myself for years.
Thought of her in the most honorable ways. Thought of her as a better person then myself. A hero to me in some ways.
I don't know what to think but I think this view of her being "damaged" is spot on. But it's really, really hard to deal with. Really. It's really messed up. I'm really feeling like, wow, man. Just wow.
This just can't be happening. This just can't be true. Maybe that's why this has been so hard for me. I'm still not believing what's before my very eyes. And I guess I'm also afraid. Afraid that when I do see and believe, I will have dead feelings to her. Absolutely dead. The mother of my children, my wife, will be DEAD to me.
Oh, I just made a Kirk and Spock analogy on another thread!
By the fog, I mean I can see why there was an affair in my life more clearly now. I blamed it on so many things but those factors really cannot matter to me because I cannot go back and fix it now. What I can do is be prepared for the next trigger and try to remain more in control. Triggers continue to be phone bills, reports from my mother, memories in the house, an email from a friend who knows something, even a short girl at the mall, sadly any TV show that exploits stupid 20somethings and that is almost all of them.
I have gone dark to Plan B so I will have little to no more extra contact with my H. This is in no way meant to punish him. I will continue to agree with what he says unless it contradicts with my Plan B. Plan B is just to protect me and my soul from his ongoing affair. All I told him was I needed to protect my heart and that meant no longer seeing him at my home or at my D's school.
I need to continue to have a safe place and be happy. I need to retain my sense of humor and sense of self. I will not allow the bad triggers to consume me or make me angry. Yes, I get obsessive and lonely but Going Dark is not so bad. I feel much safer now thanwhen I was Acting As If for the past few months. I just started though. The site said it could go on for years!
He is not dead to me, but I also have thought how they say a divorce takes longer to get over than the death of a spouse. The thing is I heard a woman on the radio ask the grief counselor how to deal with the pain of the death of a separated spouse. This poor woman's husband died in a motorcycle accident. They had just reconciled and he was about to move back when he crashed. Well, his OW and roommate was at the funeral so the W felt she could never get over the betrayal. Awful.
I think what would happen if my H died suddenly. I feel I would not even take my kids to the funeral. I feel he could have live an almost pefect sweet kind life barring this last year. His parents and aunts even refuse to talk to him. My family and friends are being nicer to him because I have modelled an Act As If attitude. No more. Now I need support to Go Dark.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
