Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Pushing for Dissolution

then i'm afraid you're SOL, my friend.
there's no way you can work on your marriage like that.

The only way you'd have a chance, is if you went to the retrouvaille weekend, and she decided to change HER job.
But if you go in with that kind of expectation, i'd expect to be disappointed.

surely there's some kind of military "family emergency" somethingorother you can file. or some kind of "crisis discharge" you can get, perhaps.

you gotta get out.

fixed duration "temporary but long term" leave?


When a woman wants her husband to work on their marriage, the last thing she wants to hear is "I'm sorry my job wont let me".

I'm not sure what you want me to say. I'm a scumbag? I have no morals? What? I know I screwed up, I know I've done a lot wrong in this marriage.

And I never said I changed. I haven't, at least not much. But I believe I can change and I want to change. Really, I'm sure you think you're being helpful by telling me I'm a man of no character but you're not. I've been kicking myself in the teeth for the past 3 weeks over the past 3 years and I don't need any help in that department. I do want my wife back, I want my marriage back. That's what I came here for.

Wow. you still avoided answering my questions.

saying "i can change i can change" doesnt help until you can figure out WHAT you need to change.
I asked my questions, to try to help you figure that out.

I have a suggestion.

Go back and carefully reread ALL my posts to your thread, and pick out every single question I asked, that you didnt answer.
Then answer them .
Note that there are no "rhetorical" questions that I have asked. Every single sentence ending in a "?" that I have written, I think can help you, if you look to answer it.

Some of them have more context around them. Dont quickly skip through and narrowly answer just the sentence with the "?" in it. Look for the overall context it is in, as well, and think about it.

Bryan,

Let's deal with some more manageable issues to start with.

You don't want to file the dissolution paperwork because you want to save your marriage. Yet you think you HAVE TO file them, because you don't want to piss off your wife. Think about that. Obviously if you file them you won't have a wife to piss off anymore. So, don't file them.

Tell her that you got them, and that you don't want to file right away. That you know you agreed to it in the heat of the moment, but you're not ready. Talk to her about a retreat weekend, or some kind of visit, any alternative course of action. Whatever she is willing to do, agree to it.

She very well may have filled out the papers as a bit of a test, to see what you would do. If you file them, you are saying you really want to be divorced. Otherwise it's more of a wake-up call.

Don't assume she will really be angry if you don't file.If she gets so pissed off about you not filing the papers that she hires a lawyer and files for divorce, then you will know that she is pretty far gone. But I doubt that, since she is still sending mixed signals.

This board isn't a confessional, nor is it meant to resemble the Spanish Inquisition. I do think, though, that you need to have some ideas about what would really be different if your wife came back. And at some point, you'll need to validate those ideas with your wife--maybe in marriage counseling, or at a retreat, but you do need to have a handle on it.

Good luck--I think you have a good chance if you can get to a real dialogue with your wife.

Bryan,

Dom is right. The only thing that might work for you and your wife is a Retrouvaille weekend. check out their website for dates and locations http://www.retrouvaille.org. You could make a mini-vacation of it meeting your wife in whatever city you choose. But unless you find a way to get together in one place, the follow-up sessions would be impossible. The weekend is the crux of the program; used to be all there was, then they expanded it. So it can save marriages all by itself. But it takes more work on your part to make it work. But it does change the dynamic in the marriage, and that's what you say you need. So check it out. And good luck!

Wow, yes, your story sounds quite familiar. Unfortunately, both of our change has come so late in the game, our W's don't seem to care anymore. My W and I also used to say things like "we'll be nicer, we'll listen more, we'll do more things together etc.", but she never could sit still or let her defenses down long enough to work on a game plan with me. Eventually I got fed up feeling like I was the only one working on things (and her constant put-down and mistrust, which now I see was a projection of her own self-doubts). A couple of days after the S, I found out about DB/DR and began to dig in. My W, on the other hand has chosen to begin an affair within one week of leaving the house, and is suffering such strong denial that no amount of DBing may help at this point. I have always been faithful and had the best intentions for her and us, but she has chosen a very selfish and self-destructive road, which now I see, was always present, but didn't truly flair until a couple of weeks before the S. Two months prior she suffered a series of serious health issues which traumatized her into reverting to this almost teenage type of life, which she now is sharing with the OM. It sounds to me, like you still have a shot (I guess we all do, though mine seems nearly futile), so keep DBing and doing your 180 (for yourself). It's hard brother, but a "must". Also, don't get tempted to have an A yourself, as this will only complicate things. We have been separated for over two months now, and opportunity has arisen for me a few times already, but I refuse to jeopardize what slim chance is left to save my M. Two wrongs indeed, do not make a right. Hard to live by sometimes, but so true.