Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

Kim,
Thanks for the encouragement and the support.
I am positive that family has had something to say about it. Her family has been in contact with me quite a bit. Her mother calls me every other day or so to see if anything is getting better and if W has "come to her senses yet". She is now staying with her aunt, who has also been checking up with me for about a month now.

I also know that the stress of traveling for 2 weeks with the kids by herself is probably giving her a big dose of reality. Seeing as how I am used to being alone with them and she is not. They are both good kids, but like all, they can wear you out. Especially when its 2 on 1!

And Slow like a turtle isn't the word. Molasses in the winter time will look like a waterfall by comparison. I am glad to hear her say she wants to go to counseling but I will still hold to my mantra from early on after the bomb
"If her lips are moving- She is lying"
Not to say I won't listen, just saying that right now I will take everything she has to say with a BOX of salt. :)I want this to work but have quickly learned that I have to protect myself first.

Box

Alright here is the question. I know that I need to move very slowly on anything with W. But, how to handle the MC raises a few questions.
We went to 1 session together when all of this started, at that point the C started with both of us, and then sent me out and spent almost all of the rest of the time with her. His conclusion was that he thought she needed to come in by herself because she was the one who didn't know what she wanted. She made an appt. but canceled. She eventually went to one and didn't feel that she gained anything from it. Now (2 months later) she wants us to start going again. Well, if last time the counselor thought she should go by herself, then why should it be any different now? As far as I know she is still in contact with OM and plans to see him next week. She doesn't know that I knew about the plans, and I'm not snooping to find out if they've changed.

I want to have a real R & M with her, and I know that trust is part of that, but right now there is NONE. I'm not interested in wasting my time or money if she is still involved with OM. This seems to be a very quick change of heart and I question her motives (did he dump her and she wants to fall back into her old life?). Obviously I don't want to flat out tell her this, so how do I get some sort of check on the truth. I don't want to seem too callous, but I sat there and listened to bold face lies that I knew for a fact were not true. She did it so well that, in a detached bizarre sort of way, I was impressed with how easy it seemed to be for her. The problem is that now I obviously question everything she says or does. I need to protect me first.

One thought was to suggest that maybe she should go by herself to the first session and that I would start going when the C thought it was appropriate. The other was to tell her that I want to work on this but need to know where things stand, so at the session she needs to be willing to answer any and all questions I have. I also question whether to tell her that if she doesn't answer truthfully then I'm done, and she has no idea what I know. I don't even know what those questions are yet but I feel that if she is willing to agree to stand in front of the fire then she is probably committed to trying to work on the M.

All suggestions, criticisms, or slaps with reality are welcome

Steel

Steel (sorry, refering to another guy as "Box" sorta bothers me ),

I might be confused but it sounds like if you're wife is still involved with the OM, it's over for you. No more DBing, do not pass go, go to court and file.

If so, I think you need to decide how much uncertainty you can stand. If you're willing to grit your teeth and bear with your W's rollercoaster of emotions, hang in there. If not, maybe a confrontation is in order. I don't know if that's true DBing, but, again, it does seem as if the OM is still around, you're done.

Hope that helps and I'll chew on this a bit more. It's a pretty sticky question.

BD

BD
I've been dealing with OM for a while now, so that is not neccesarily the end.

Let me clarify.I have a lot of information that she doesn't know about. I have information regarding her past present and future activities and plans with OM. I want honest answers to questions and honesty at the sessions or they are a waste of time and money. So, what I meant by "I'm done" is that if she lies to me or the counselor I'm done with the counseling session.

I see no point in going if it is not an honest attempt, and until it is I won't be played for a sucker again.

Steel

Steel,

OK, that makes sense. Let me ask you this then, if the OM isn't a deal breaker for you, why not continue counselling regardless? Is there a better chance for your W to open up and be honest in C or out?

I don't think there's a definate answer, just something to consider.

BD

Can honestly say that OM isn't a deal breaker today - I don't know how much longer it will stay that way.

I don't have a problem going to C. I just don't know how to reassure myself that I can believe anything she says.

I don't know if she would open up more in or out of C. She jokingly said that we could spend alot less and possibly get as much or more benefit having a margarita with a friend who is a psychologist. ( I opted against that one seeing as alcohol would definitely be a bad choice and the friend is her college roommate)

Hi Steel_Box,

I am not at all qualified to speak on these issues. I have my own WAW problems that I am inept and ill-prepared to solve. However, I will tell you this from the heart: I would give anything if my wife was dumped by the OM and wanted to go to counseling with me and get our life back together. Sometimes it is a matter of perspective.

--Chris

Hello Steel Box.

I absolutely agree with Chris.
Go to the C.

Don't try to think of all the possibilities that can and may not happen in C.....just go.
I'm sure you'll regret it more in the end if you don't.

I think her wanting to go to c again is huge. Regardless of her motives it could be a great thing. Just use caution in the type of c you get. Like most here I think you should find a c, like DB suggests. Going into and rooting out the past may not necessarily be the best thing. Sure it needs to come up, but you need to focus on a "new marriage" possibility and not go back to the old.
I will caution you, despite w wanting to work on this, you will have backslides. My w came home from a trip being the most loving w I could ask for, then a couple of days later started seeing OM again. They have parted ways twice since this ride started, your w needs to be in it 100% for this to work. C may help get her there.
Good luck with all and I will try to keep up to speed, but I have been a bit of a ghost on these boards for awhile.

Thanks Chris, Better & Cliffy.
I know that going to C is the best choice, and I guess I know that any change for the better is a good thing. Its just that sometimes the defensive side of me gets to strong. I guess in some way we have all created a bit of a split personality inorder to deal with our sitch. The happy duck that our SO sees vs the hurt, emotional, pissed, elated, us that shows up here.
As far as picking a C, we talked about it and decided to go back to the one we started with, Since he never had an opportunity to really do much yet. He seems like a good one, he seems to be focused on the future, discussed things to be done to re-establish trust (goal setting) and he is definitely pro-marriage.

I spoke to her last night and again tonight and the topic wasn't brought back up. I don't want to seem to eager, but at the same time how distant becomes too much?

AAAGHHH!!!Does everyone else feel like they are dealing with an impudent child. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd with a child who is on the verge of a meltdown. You know the sitch where you want to be nice so they don't lose it and start throwing a tantrum on the floor, but at the same time you feel that if you let them get their way now then it will just continue to happen.

Screw it why stress it'll be another 2 weeks before I actually get a chance to see her and even longer before a C session anyway. She'll probably, love me, hate me, love OM, not want C, and maybe want C again by then! Just ride the ride right. Its amazing how far you can pivot from one little change. I hate that I am this easily swayed.

Sorry. been up since 4 and need to sleep. I'm usually a little better at staying level.