Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy OM, MLC and the hits keep coming........Pt 4

Hey Torn,

Buddy, just hang in there. Maybe with time, things will get clearer for you with what you want to do in relation to your future with or without your W.

I think it is normal to change your mind daily depending on the sitch. It makes the final decision easier when you think things through looking at both alternatives.

Hey Husband,

Hope your operation went well and they didn't remove anything they shouldn't have .

I do have issues with my pride, and that is something that I am still working on. With time I hope things will become clearer for me. The good thing is that I have accepted both scenarios, so either way I won't be dissapointed.

Maybe we do need a break (after 17 years). Who knows what the future holds.

Saffie,

Thanks for your post, it made alot of sense.

The problem that I can see happening with me is that she chose to be with OM. If he has instigated the deteriation of the R, then it still means that W had stronger feelings for him than me.

That is something that I wont be able to forgive, that she loved him more than me. And she loved him that much that she has risked everything to be with him.

Her mother is depressed because of this, her dad is a shell of a man he once was. I went over there last week to pick DD up (as I was working and W had a function, so she got her parents to babysit).

I sat and chatted with my FIL for a couple of hours, had a few beers, then when I left he told me how much he loved me and hugged me harder than ever before. We did not discuss anything about W or myself or what was happening, it was more social chit chat.

She has put her family. my family, our friends and her DD through hell, for her own gratification. This is the hardest thing to overcome.

Hey Cades,

I wonder when the trust will come back, if ever.

How can you trust someone again after all the deceipt and lies.

I think it is something we have to choose to do. We have to choose to forgive and trust our S again. My C told me one time that you actually have to wake up every morning for awhile and, even if you are angry about the sitch, etc., you have to remind yourself that you have decided to forgive & trust and that's what you're going to do today. It is a grieving process.

Also, I think a lot of it has to do w/ how our S behave as far as showing us that they are trustworthy.

What also has helped me (I think) is that I know and I believe H knows that if he cheats on me again, he's gone. I will not allow it to happen again. Therefore, he has a big choice to make if the opportunity ever arises for him again. It's out of my hands and I choose to trust that he will make the right decision.

Andyv,

Pretty D. Watch out when she is in high school. I take it her favorite color is Pink? Nice Pic of you but I had the image of Paul Hogan in my head. Great to finely “meet” you

Husband

Thanks mate,

I was going to put my W in there also, but I decided to put my "family" instead .

I may put her photo in there in the future, depending on what happens.

I will chase up some more, and put them in. They were the only ones I had handy on my computer.

AndyV

andyv,



Maybe, just maybe, OM caused the deterioration of the R because he could feel it was only a matter of time before he would be the one being 'finished'. Maybe he jumped before he was pushed.

Don't assume you are second best in your W's eyes to OM.

I am sure that when my H made the decision to stay with me he felt that he loved OW more than me and he stayed with me for several reasons, love being only one of them. BUT since then a fog has cleared for him and he now recognises that he did not LOVE OW but he was INFATUATED by her and he also liked the drama and the excitement.

You must not let yourself think that you don't want to be with W because you are second best. This is a transitory state. You can outshine OM in your W's eyes - if you want to you know you can.

I agree so much with Cadesmom about letting yourself forgive and trust; about making a positive decision to do those things. They are hard things to do though and when pride is involved in the equation it makes them even harder. I am quite a proud person and have issues with forgiveness and trust - it's just that if I don't try to master these feelings the downside of the fallout is unthinkable.

If your W is coming back to you give it your best shot

Saffie

I truly believe the excitement an A creates is one of the #1 reasons they do it. I recently had the "opportunity" to participate in an EA (one of h's friends). I chose not to for obvious reasons, but it was tempting and I'm just being honest. The excitement, the forbiddenness, the fact that someone else found me attractive and was showing me attention, etc. It's all wrapped up w/ a huge red bow. Also, as we all know, the honeymoon phase ended a LONG time ago in our M's. There are some ways to spice things up, but there will never be that initial excitement, stomach flutter of a new romance. That is what is enticing, IMHO.

If your W is coming back to you, it's because she has finally "figured it out." You obviously will have a lot of emotions to deal w/ and it's not easy, but in the end it will be worth it.

This may help on the trust issue. I subscribe to "A Growing Marriage" emails from Dr. Gary Chapman. Every day I get an email. This week was about trust & intimacy. This was what today's said:

Our topic this week has been regaining trust and intimacy. Trust is based on the belief that I am loved, that my spouse has my best interest in mind. Trust is destroyed when the spouse's behavior indicates that my belief was wrong. The spouse has chosen to walk his own way rather than love me. But trust can be reborn, if my spouse repents and shows evidence of being trustworthy.
Trust does not return overnight, but when your spouse shows by words and deeds that he or she is thinking about your best interests. When they do those things that express genuine love to you, trust begins to grow. Over a period of time trust can become strong again.

Why is trust so important in a marriage? Because without trust there can be no intimacy. We cannot be open and enter deeply into each others lives if we do not trust each other. Dealing with failures is a necessity for restoring trust and laying the foundation for rebuilding intimacy. And marital intimacy was God's idea. He said, "the two shall become one flesh."