Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? DONNA--finding herself #14

OT, court sucked. I'll get into details tomorrow, but suffice to say that he wouldn't just sign to the agreement and leave (it needed to be notorized), pushed to reduce support by $100/week, and crossed off the no-contact with CW. It was continued until next Monday, when we will sit with a Family Affairs mediator.

I have had better days.

(((((Donna)))))

Darn!! I was so hoping you would get through the court stuff before he started to revise his position.

Do you have any idea about the liklihood of no contact being enforced? If the chances are slim to none, as they are in most any case, maybe you could trade the no contact clause for maintaining the same support.

But, don't give him a heads up to any of your plans. Keep them for mediation. Whatever happens next week, try to get something signed. He will just keep getting LESS generous. The sooner things are resolved, the better for you.

I know. I am just so sad. I have to look into it tomorrow; I also see the psychiatrist. I am considering having someone come with me to mediation next week. He really beat me up today. I don't know if he would try the same thing in front of someone else we both know.

I have to get to bed...

"I am considering having someone come with me to mediation next week. He really beat me up today. I don't know if he would try the same thing in front of someone else we both know."

Donna,

I've never heard of this. But, it sounds like an interesting and very smart idea. I can't seem to think of any down side. Would they allow it?

If so, and contrary to the stuff I keep saying about MIL, maybe MIL or FIL would be someone to bring? It could help with keeping H accountable to your nuclear family and his larger family.

Or, were you thinking of bringing a L? That might work too.

I have approached the in-laws. I may throw the threat of a L at him today, saying that I expect him to keep his word. I saw a cut-throat L back in May that I may be able to retain in time, if needed. She was a $5000 retainer, though, so I hope he will back off.

Yesterday, I made a last-ditch effort to reach him. I had started to cry when he wouldn't sign the forms when he got there--You wanted this!! What do you think I would do to you?! This is everything that we agreed on!! The notary said that we couldn't do this here... I said, You are the one that wants this!! His excuse was that he didn't read the form through and thought he had another month to file an appearence. I had emailed him notice, but he felt railroaded. Said he had to protect himself, too.

He wouldn't back off of it. I went into the hallway while he saw how few docs he could sign, and I calmed down. Just tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop for 4 hours. I didn't know you could make so many tears.

The rest was a mess. Back and forth between the courtroom and clerk, and family affairs. He crossed stuff off and took off $400/month. I asked him not to, he defended, and I just said I don't care--do what you want. And he did. But nothing was put before the judge--she felt that we were still too far away on some of the issues (thank you, Family officer!), and continued it to next Monday. I just felt so...defeated. But I can't let him do this, it affects my kids. Even if me not letting him get away with it hurts our chances, I have to stand up for them. I will be ready for it next week. OT, you are right--I should have seen it coming with the computer thing.

Afterwards, we went and sat outside of the courthouse. We got into the best interest of the kids, him leaving, how we got here, why it has to be this way, what we need, blah blah blah. All against DB yet again. But I was already so far gone by this latest betrayal. I don't know how much more I can take.

***
I went to the psychiatrist today. Gave her the whole speil. On a good note, I never went to the dark place, even after the events of yesterday. I am profoundly sad, but no longer desparate.

My brain keeps trying to come up with alternative solutions to try. Would getting him to read a section of Uncoupling help? No; althouogh it does seem to get inside his head, he won't read it, and it doesn't lay out any solutions, anyway. I asked the P if she would see him, if there might be some way I could convince him to go in an effort to "co-parent" the kids. I've had more than one person, including the professionals, say they think he sounds either deeply depressed or has a hormonal / brain chemistry imbalance. She would have a colleague see him, and ask for permission to review the case jointly. (She has already formed an opinion of him).

Something else popped into my brain on the way home--maybe some kind of intervention, like for drug addicts? As a family, we are losing him, anyway. But he is still trying to reach out to his sibs, his parents (he visited the sibs, calls them, even spoke with his mom by phone and met his dad in person once last week), so maybe there is influence left there.

I don't know...just trying to throw ideas out there. MIL actually had the same idea a few days ago, and was surprised when I said it out loud. She is going to talk with FIL. I'll also talk with the P and my IC to get their input.

If he could see how he has no support for his actions at all, that she will never be accepted, and how his choices have been so foreign to his core values, maybe that would wake him up. I would hazard to guess that there would be upwards of a dozen close family members and friends that would come. I'm not sure if I would be there or not--maybe just to state my case, then leave. I'd like there to be a P or C there, as well. A letter from each of the kids.

I don't know, just trying to kick things around in my head. It could be a terrible idea.

I am exhausted. I slept through the night last night, even after taking a nap after court, and I could go to sleep right now.

Going down to Jersey tomorrow, another get-away vaca! :0)

Oldtimer did I beat you to it??

Donna - stop trying to change his mind and force him to see things your way. You thought it was bad when you confront him over and over with this stuff? Just wait til you ambush him with a dozen family and friends.

As for the court stuff I am so sorry. I hope that Monday goes better. ((((Donna)))

Enjoy vacation!

Nikki is right.

Do nothing to try to fix him.

Having someone at the courthouse with you is not trying to fix him. It is merely having someone there to bear witness to his actions that will, perhaps, make him more accountable.

But, DO NOT tell him ANY of your court related plans. DO NOT threaten him with a L. Either take one or not. He does not need to know your strategy in advance. This is a business game of battleship. Keep your ships secret. No more friendly EMAIL reminders about things either. You DO NOT need to help him promote his own agenda.

Drop it ALL. Get your hands off H's life.

COURT BUSINESS ONLY.

Be clear on what a good deal is financially, and if a good deal is on the table on Monday, SNAP IT UP. If a good deal is not on the table, then dig in your heels and negotiate. Exploit the OW no-contact thing as a bargaining chip. I say this, because truthfully, I don't think any court is going to back you up on what you want. So, you may as well ACT like it is a real bargaining chip and get something with it. Something is better than nothing.

BTW, Donna, you are really doing great, really.

Donna,

The fact that you did not go to the dark place is a big improvement. You are doing great fighting him. You are so much stronger today than you were even 1 month ago. I bet he never imagined that you would be a force to be reckoned with.

OK, focus on me, here. Damn, I wish I had gotten your email even 10 minutes ago...

H called to see if kids wanted to drive down and back to the Island, about 2 hours each way. They were supposed to go out to dinner with him tonight. They both declined (I had no input on that, but yay, kids!).

I asked for the phone before he hung up, and made some polite chit-chat about today's visit with his brother, plans for the kids this weekend, very brief.

Then I said that I needed to lay something out on the table. I want him to live up to his word on the original agreement. The kids and I need the money for the house, and if we agree to have him pay me directly, I won't be calling the sheriff one week if there is an emergency (the reason he cited lowering the payments). I have to think with my head right now, for the best interest of the kids--there is no track record left to go on. He said that I have to know that he has the kids at the top of all this (yeah, right...)

I also said that I need the other no-contact provision reinstated. He said we would talk about it on Monday. I said fine, but I hope that I don't have to get a lawyer involved (that is where I messed up--crap!). He said, now you are giving me an ultimatim? I said no, that is just where my thoughts have gone since yesterday's court date, and I want you to think about it. I have to think of the kids. We will talk about it Monday. Then I asked him to wish his brother well (I could actually hear him in the background, which was good), have a safe drive, and hung up.

So, showed a bit of my hand. But rather than a lawyer, I think FIL will end up being more effective, if he feels comfortable coming along.

I hate this game-playing sh!t. Really.

On the intervention...what if it came just from his parents/family, and I wasn't involved at all? MIL had said she was considering it even before I said anything...