I definitely agree with most of what you said, but I did want to point out
Quote:
Cemar, it isn't about the desire for sex. Sex drive is not directly corelated with being affectionate, flirtatious, loving, emotionally generous, fitb.
In my case, it was ... but it was 50% my fault. Because my W and I were distant, whenever she was affectionate I would "pounce" on her. I saw this as an opportunity to get the sex that I craved. But since my W had a low sex drive at the time, she began to avoid affection, flirting, etc. So in a sense, the lack of desire for sex (that I would likely pursue if she was affectionate) DID affect her playfulness, flirtation, etc. I know its not exactly what you are talking about, but there may be something like this going on with CeMar. It has taken me awhile to separate affection from sex in her mind, and I had to do it in my mind first. She is still not particularly playful, but the situation is improving.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Please read and post to Mrs.Nop's post!! I am curious about your every day interactions with your wife too. What things does she say to you? Does she make you breakfast? Does she ask what you want for dinner? Does she thank you for helping her??? ETC.
Also you characterize it that your wife became LD and then adopted the LD personality. What if it was the other way around? Your wife lost joy and fun in her life and THEN her sex drive diminished. Would that make any difference in how you view her "issue" and how you might look to solving your problem??
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
That is an incredible amount of hurt you have. Given that I would imagine you to be a pretty stoic person, I'd imagine you are stuffing all that hurt inside. Probably some days you feel like you are going to implode from it all.
This is a serious question, and I am not poking at you or making fun.
Do you want to stop hurting?
If yes, On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most, how MUCH do you want to stop hurting?
Have you ever seen someone in so much pain, or so sick, that they become delirious? And in so doing, would you agree that their ability to rationalize and think clearly is skewed?
I'm not accusing you of being off your rocker, no worries. I think you have been living with a great deal of pain, and you've been living with it for so long, you really have no idea anymore how much you are actually hurting. But you do have a bit of tunnel vision, and that is a hyper-focus' symptom that can accompany a great deal of pain.
Because none of us know you IRL, there is no way any of us can really 'help' you. But if you trust any of us, and you really do want to stop hurting that much, you are going to have to trust me, and others, when we say that you are going to have to help yourself, and get some help.
You've got a lot of 'hurt' that needs to come out of you if you want to heal. I'm not a doctor, I can't set a broken leg, but I know if I break my leg, I need a doctor to set it. Otherwise, my problems will only get worse.
I think through the professionals on this web site, you could find a really good shrink in your area. The only problem is, if you aren't willing to go, or you aren't willing to take the first step... there isn't really anything we can do about it.
My xH is/was a lot like you. And the shrink saw the same thing in him that I think I might be seeing in you.
If you can get the help you need to stop your hurting, I think you are going to see things in your life/marriage/wife in a whole different way... you will see options you couldn't see before.
The intensity/frequency of pain you are feeling is the initial problem. That can be fixed.
The desire problem is issue 2. The desire issue may have caused the initial pain/wound, but now you have two problems instead of one. You have to heal the infection (pain/hurt) first, in order for the wound (lack of desire) to heal properly.
Evaluate your symptoms, make a diagnosis(s), and prescribe a course of treatment for you.
That sounds simplistic, I know, but as I am NOT a shrink, I can't really tell you all that goes into the above. I can just tell you, as a person in her own severe pain, at one time, I cannot fathom, now, NOT having seen someone that had the background and training to help me.
We are all great armchair shrinks... and some pretty smart people, to boot, around here. We are not practicing psychologists. And even practicing psychologists need treatment from other shrinks, at times.
Seeing a shrink does NOT mean you are on the verge of a melt-down, or that you are 'crazy,' or even any indication that you cannot handle life on your own.
It all goes back to how bad to you want to stop the pain, and start living an enjoyable life. I can't haul your azz in there, buddy. I'm telling you out of care, concern, and personal experience, that seeing a shrink can heal you much faster than you can do on your own, or even here with us. IMHO.
I'd like to add this to your post to CeMar about seeking help through a shrink...just to piggyback it.
So many people feel that seeking professional help with issues, or going in to a professional and saying "I'm having this problem in my marriage but don't know what to do" exhibits weakness or lack of character because they can't fix things themselves. Or they don't want some outside person to know what's going on in their marriage. This is my mother's view of therapy, and she's doing herself a great disservice by shutting down that option for help rather than embracing it. Personally, I think she's afraid of what a shrink would tell her, but that's my own guess on that.
There is no weakness in seeking help from professionals qualified to help...you would be amazed at what a professional can pull out of you that you didn't even know were thorns in your side, making situations worse.
Once again though, you don't know how that shrink can help you...until you go to one, explain the problems you are having in your marriage, and simply talk to them openly and honestly for awhile. The key is though, YOU need to go into therapy with an open mind...willing to do what is suggested to you.
Can you do that?
I CAN tell you that in my own marriage, we would not be where we are today without the help of some very qualified professionals.
If you can get the help you need to stop your hurting, I think you are going to see things in your life/marriage/wife in a whole different way... you will see options you couldn't see before.
The intensity/frequency of pain you are feeling is the initial problem. That can be fixed.
Just exactly how can the pain be stopped? I really have no desire to take any drugs. If lack of affection is the CAUSE of my problems, how is the shrink going to change that?
