Alright, I love this board there are so many success stories and every is so positive here.
I have read stories that I knew for sure where bound for complete destruction, and in the end turned out wonderful. It truly amazes me.
I have been posting on another website, and though I have gotten alot of good advice from some special people, I have had my share of doubters and naysayers.
I have been going through this rollercoaster ride for about 3 months now and I will recap as briefly as possible my story. If you care to venture to another board just to get caught up you can click here for my story up until now..
So heres the deal, I have been married almost nine years it will be nine on the 21st of August which is in two days.
I have not been the best husband in her eyes, I did not think I was that bad, I will not go through all the good things I did but will explain all the bad things that brought me to this point in my life, although I feel I did many great things for our family.
I did not show her enough respect, I did not make her feel valued and appreciated. I took her love for granted (sounds like a song) I basically did not make the woman of my dreams feel very special.
so two month ago she left me, during the time up until the move out we were still sleeping in the same bed, we made love once but she felt so guilty that we have not made love since.
heres where I am confused. Even though she was withdrawn up until the move I still was intimate in other ways with her and she was receptive. there were hugs, I love you's, she even would tell me she was "In" love with me when I asked her although it took her a few seconds of thought before she would say it. I would massage her, shave her while she showered.
Yes she still left, she said she had too.
after she left she was hot and cold, sometimes she would come over and we would snuggle and watch a movie, the next day she would be distant.
I eventually found out that there was another man, I found out by going in her car and in her cell phone. I found pics and text messages that totally crushed my soul.
since then she still has not come around, she did tell that she ended it with him, Im not sure I believe that based off of the texts.
they where telling eachother how much they loved one another and all kind of crap. She said she broke it off the day before I found out, seems like to much of a coincidence to me considering she spent the night at his house the night she claims she ended it.
she said she slept on the couch though because it was late and didnt want to drive home.
Anyways, she did call once crying about how sorry she was, and all that but she still is being distant and actually went to go see an attorney. on the 15th of august which was last week.
she said she just wanted information and did not have a follow up appt. If you want all the details you have to read my other thread it will give you more insight as to why the attorney and stuff.
We have a seven year old son who we both love to death and we trade weeks with him.
this was my week and I just relinquished him about 20 mins ago, we swap every sunday.
Up until now we haven't talked for three days, it is the longest I have ever not spoken to my wife.
she will call my son on his cellphone but will not call me, (go figure) I don't know if the OM is in the picture but I suspect he is, I can't see her just ending it that quick after being so in love as they put it.
when she came today I told her she looked nice and I gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek, she probably didnt know what I was going to do considering the only time we don't speak is if we are mad. So she probably thought I was mad.
Im not mad though I am just giving her the space she wanted, and by her not calling it tells me she really does want it. I told her that I still loved her (I know big DB mistake, and yes I have read DB, and DR) but she did not seem upset by it, normally when I say things like that she will look in my eyes as if to search for sincerity.
I also told her that I lover her for who she is, I said I love the woman who is standing in front of me at this very moment. I asked her if she was enjoying her space and she said "I don't know about enjoying it but its been alrigh" ooookay. I also probably messed up, but I said that if she is still involved with the OM that I totally understand. She kind of got upset but not really she just said "Im not even gonna commment because your just gonna believe what you want too"
as they where getting ready to leave I asked her if she wanted to do something sometime maybe catch a movie, she said yeah maybe this weekend. That was nice to hear.
she gave me a hug before she left which was also nice.
as she walked out she asked if I could watch my son on monday because she has to get up very early on tuesdays for physical fitness (we are in the military, Air Force to be exact) I paused and said after some though, please don't make a fool out of me.
alright if you read my other thread you will understand what that meant.
last monday she asked me to do the same thing and turns out she was at that OM's house. I will be damned if I watch my son so she can spend the night with another man.
She got mad and said she does not know what Im talking about, obviously she does. She just said fine Ill just drop him off. I tried to calm her down and tell her I didn't mean any harm but she left.
Oh well.
any advice from some veterans in the game,
I jumped ship from another message board hopefully I get met with a warm reception over here.
You are so very new at this. And the road ahead is a bumpy, enlightening one. I hope you have your seatbelt on!
What you are describing, with the hugs and coldness, calls and no calls, other stuff, is called the "RollerCoaster" around here.
And yes, your wife will ask you to babysit so she has time to see her lover. Yes, that is true. I'm sure many others on here have addressed that, in myriad ways. I hope they will post to you, help you to find your feet again.
Sunday afternoons are a tough time around here. Many of the wise ones have Gotten A Life (GAL) and are out enjoying life and themselves. Someday you will also get there.
So....What do you want to do for you? Gym time? Jogging? New Hobby? Volunteer Work? More time with your children? Reconnecting with your parents/siblings/(male) high school friends?
You sound like you'll do very well for yourself. Please post before sending/saying stuff to your wife. Many of the men here have been in your exact shoes.
thanks, that was exactly the reason I am on this board now, I could actually feel the warmth as I read your response.
Well I am new to this but it has been about 3 months so and I have been dbing about 1.5 of those months.
I am 28 years old, and she is 32. She seems to like younger men, her OM is my age.
She says it is over though, should I believe it or is she just feeding me a line. Why should she lie if she no longer wants to be with me.
I am getting a life, I have always worked out so that is nothing new, I hit the the gym 5 days a week and am in great shape (not bragging, but I do take pride in my appearance) plus being in the Air Force we have standards to uphold, plus Im a recruiter so Im supposed to be the poster child of the Air Force.
Anyways, I just bought a new sportsbike which is a total 180, I go out with friends and all in all am doing okay in the GAL arena.
I do have those days where I just want to lie in bed and veg out (withdrawal into a state that requires no brain activity).
I would like to reconnect with family, I don't have a close relationship with my mom, dad, or two brothers.
I thought my wife and son were all I needed and I would have them forever. I hope I still will
I am determined one day to post in the success stories page.
I'd bet that you will find a lot of warmth and love for yourself and your son with your mom, dad and your two brothers. They may be a source of strength and comfort for you.
Please don't tell them the details of your life with your wife. Just a few "I realized that I neglected you all" and allowing them to become important in your life may help you with your growth quite a bit. First step with reconnecting with them is very firmly yours. I hope you grab the opportunity with both hands.
Like I said previously I did not talk to my wife in about 4 days, when I had my son. Today she took him and I just get a call at 8pm and she wanted to apologize for the ways she walked out of the house.
I was initially going to call her to apologize but I thought it would come across as needy.
I simply told her that she didn't need to apologize and that I should actually have been the one to apologize.
She asked why, and I said because I never shouldve even brought it up. I said I just didn't want to be made a fool of again, but I still shouldn't have brought it up. I also told her that I was appreciative that she was brave enough to call and apologize.
after that I made an attempt to get off the phone but she continued to conversate about t.v shows, and just conversational material.I told her that the time she is spending in the gym is paying off and she said yeah what do you mean. I told her that she looks really good in her clothes. I conversated with her a little longer, then I talked to my son, for a bit and got back on the phone with her.
we talked for another minute and I ended the call.
I know people on here have not talked to their spouses for months but for me 4 days is the longest I have ever not spoken to my spouse ever since we met.
I guess backing off and giving her her space is working, I didn't know what she was doing or why she didn't want to call me but I am glad that she is calling now.
I suspect though that she only is calling because she knows I don't have my son, and I am free to do what I please. Last week she was free and didn't call, maybe she just wanted to make me wonder, and now that she is in the position to have to wonder she cant take it.
Who knows the real reason, Im just glad that she called to apologize and wanted to talk.
tomorrow is my anniversary, Im not sure what I should do
she once told me when she first fell in love with me.
were in tech school, and we missed dinner and both had no money on us. She is hypglycemic and if she doesnt eat will get sick and nautious. I remembered that I had some peanut butter, jelly and bread in my room, and I brought it down in a little portfolio case that we used to carry around for school.
I made her a sandwich, and she said many years later thats when she fell in love.
I was thinking about getting a portfolio, and putting pb &j and some bread in there with a note that says I will always love you, or maybe I will always be there for you.
my problem is I don't want to pressure her, I have been giving her space and I think it has been going well. Would this be too much.
I was gonna leave it at her door so she would get it when she got home try to make it less pressure.
should I do it, or should I just continue with the space and treat this like a normal day.
well I picked my son up today and dropped him off at W's apt. I got dressed up nice before I went. I didn't want to intrude so I just kind of said hi and turned to walk away, she said hi and then closed the door.
I called a little later to see if there was something wrong,and she said no. I said you seem a little short, and she said you where the one who walked away.
I said I was just trying to respect her space, and she said okay. and that was it.
I called her back a little later, because I got the feeling that she wanted to talk but wanted me to initiate it, so when I called I asked if I was bothering her by calling her back and she said no.
our hamster just died and I said that I wanted to consult with her before buying a new one,since our son was sad about it. She said that it would be a good idea to get him a new one. that is a 180 for me normally I would've just went and bought it without asking her opinion.
then I go on to tell her about my day and she seemed very interested and was asking questions.
so my PMA was good but here is where it goes sour.
I was at the book store when I was talking to her and I asked her if she wanted anything while I was there, she paused and said that someone told her that the maintenance man was a good book.
I said okay I will get it for you. I had no idea what the book was about. Well I get the book and it is about a gigolo who sleeps with married women. on the front cover it says, "it's midnight do you know where your woman is"
My goodness how insensitive can you freaking be.
whats up with this, is she doing that on purpose or did she not know. Why does she want to read about some man who sleeps with married woman, is this her fantasy and is that why she played it out?
I called her back and said I just want to make sure I got you the right book, I said is it about a man who sleeps with married woman. She said yeah, and I could tell it was kind of uncomfortable, I said okay I got it for you, she said thanks and then got off.
any advice would be great, also if someone could advise on my previous post about what to do tomorrow for our anniversary.
I was just walking down the hall and saw your door open.
I am not sure if I would do anything for your A.. on the other hand your idea with the pf and pb & J is quite a romantic one..What would be her projected response to that ? That is my question to you .. negative or positive ?
I do think that I would not call her so much.. but that is just me.
You are going to get the "hot and cold" btw.. I just get tepid these days.. but that is another story and a completely different set of circumstances.. although there is om.
Dont worry about om btw.. not for you to bother yourself with.. that is her problem and not yours !She will tell you and anyone else what they want to hear.
You are still married however and you want your w back in your life.. hmm.. would your pf idea etc.. be a 180 for you ? What did you do last A ?
I can't really see her getting upset, I think at some level she will appreciate the gesture, but she could be indifferent.
I am thinking more on the side of she will say that's sweet, although she may not really feel anything.
Like I said the conversation was good today, and she actually seemed like she wanted to talk. It was when I got the book for her that my mind went south.
I did text her tonight and said "you don't need a maintenance man in your life, you have a husband that cherishes you and thinks you are worth diamonds and gold"
this was probably a bad move, because it insuinates that she is still seeing this guy when she told me she isn't, also it insuinates that she is looking for a maintenance man or fantasizing about one.
The book really did bother me though.
Anyways to answer your question, last anniversary I took her to a fancy restaurant. I always do something really nice and expensive.
This would be a 180 being that it is very cheap yet rich with thought.
