Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #2

Irish, I really appreciate the input. trust me, I have a thicker skin than that, I would never be insulted by constructive criticism (unless it was from h, lol).

I am just floored how heartfelt his letter was. Yours from the therapist is great. I will need to copy it before ya get locked!

mk, this is the 3rd time such honesty has come out of him. he does still throw it back on me, jack was good about pointing that one out. and honestly, I at least see it now. my part is not feeding into it, not trying to fix it. and damn, is that hard. its hard to just step back. its hard for me to just shut up. but i'm doing it. and what really sucks is I still feed into it...I still get that damn glimmer of hope, that all of this is sincere, that he will maybe, someday, somehow, see himself in that mirror and finally find himself someday and come back to me.

but when I step back, I know its a co-dependent panic attack on his part. again, he's done it 2x before this. the last time was on 6/3 at 1am, again, a response to me telling him for real that it was over, that we were over...he literally came in the door at 1am and ran upstairs, swept me into his arms, begged for another chance, offered me the world on a silver platter. talk about your fantasies come true. I tried to fight it, stayed rational, told him I needed time to think, didn't let him hold me, didn't, ahem, let him "hold" me (and god did I want him to). but the next day I caved and told him we could work things out, and we ended up in this place again.

obviously he has a long journey ahead of him. I'm not sure he'll really take the path he needs to to heal himself, to find himself again. I think he'll continue down the path he's on. in fact, I'm starting to call he and ow's relationship, "the lost weekend," sad as that is. he's not always drunk, doesn't drink daily, but obviously since he's been with her it has increased enough for him to be concerned, at least a part of him is, anyway. he does have alcoholism in his family history, and she's a party girl in a big way, so could easily see things turning rather grim. hope not. pray not. but no power to stop it if that's where he's headed. and honestly, he could just be saying that to manipulate me. he is the puppetmaster, after all. he is sh*t out of luck if he goes that route, though. too much knowledge on that subject in my pocket.

I'm the child of an alcoholic parent myself. thankfully dad got treatement and has been sober for over 20 years, and even back then, the whole family was active in his recovery process. as for myself, thankfully while yes, I do drink, I curbed out and out excessive drinking in my early 20s. don't know why I am going on about that. it does explain the co-dependent tendencies in my life, though. and possibly the enabling (thanks mom!).

anyway, yeah, my friend (the therapist) is awesome. she can lay things out and help me word them far better than I can myself sometimes. she's been a godsend to me. I love my own therapist, she is amazing, but deb, well, she adds a whole other dimension for me. she can say the things my therapist can't/won't. and she's known me since we were 14, so she doesn't just get the situation, she really knows me, all of me.

((((morgan))))
What an awful roller coaster.
FWIW-I think you are doing SO awesome!
Hey! I come from an alcoholic family-WooHoo! The stories I could tell. yuck.

maybe this will make you laugh-
crank yankers-Yaaaaay
(If "crank yankers" offends you, don't watch. There's no swear words or anything.)

did some thinking while cleaning up after putting the kids to bed. the more I think about it, I don't know if any of his e-mail was from an honest place. maybe some of it was, but I wonder how much was stuff he figures I want to hear. and maybe some of it is simply to purge the guilt he does feel, so he can keep going in the same direction.

keeping my feet firmly on the ground.

agent99, will check out the link in a bit. sorry I haven't gotten to your thread today, I've been a bit self-involved. so much drama. so much rollercoaster. and have I ever mentioned, I hate rollercoasters? I do. I hate them. big thunder mountain, now that is my kind of ride, lol. just perfect, as far as I am concerned. anything bigger just sucks. and boy, is all this crap a whole lot bigger.

I had it lucky, as far as children of alcoholics. my dad was functioning, earned a good living, the only thing we, as children, noticed was that he got more talkative (which would mean, talkative at all). he never drank at home, was never violent. I know I am still affected by it, but lets just say I know i had it pretty good. the stories I could tell were mainly from other people. when dad was in treatment, I was 17, and we did lots and lots of group therapy at his in-treatment place. stuff for kids, stuff for just the families, stuff for families and addict/alcoholics. its the stories many of the addicts told that I remember even more than my own dad's issues. I swear the reason I never in my life did an illicit drug was because of that...nothing will scare a person faster than listening to a coke addict tell his story.

hope things are going well with you. will check on your thread later tonight....hopefully I'll be in for a quieter one.

Did you send? I really liked your final draft. Good job. Did he call before you sent it? Do tell everything.

I don't think he was telling you what you want to hear, but I do think he is working through his guilt.

Have a great night!

lwb, I'm a naturally impatient person, so yeah, I did send the final draft. I sent it right before I saw irish's notes. might have changed some things based on it, but too late now. my friend loved me middle draft (the shorter one). haven't heard from her on the final one, she has clients until 10 so don't expect to until tomorrow at the earliest.

who knows what h thought/will think when he reads it. who knows if anything will change. but its good for me, because I am holding firm. I just hope he does try to find himself again. I don't really think he will...I think he'll keep going the way he is. much easier to self-destruct than it is to face hard truths. and he is almost facing them with that e-mail, but he isn't even close to really facing them. we'll see what the future brings. either way, I need to concentrate on me and make sure I am okay.

he did call after I sent it, to wish the kids goodnight. I had lots to tell on the kid front (omg, the nightmare that is going on with s5's kindergarten, its amazing). so we talked about kids, they got to talk to him briefly, then my call waiting kicked in and I begged off. I didn't want to talk to him about it, so it gave me a good excuse. not sure he would have brought it up, anyway. I have yet to hear from him on it via e-mail, likely I won't. he does come tomorrow to watch the kids while I am in therapy, will be curious to see if he brings it up...hoping he doesn't. nothing more really to say.

hope all is well with you and that you are having a good night.

I am working a 13 hour day, so I am tired, but ok. I miss my babies.

Dare I ask the nightmare re: kindergarten??

I bet he is going to read, and re-read your email tonight. I hope he does.

re: kindergarten. last week I called to find out if he was in am or pm, we still didn't know. ridiculous. I had called the previous week to no avail. last week, they had just gotten the schedule (comes from the bus company, apparently). secy told me S5 was in PM. bummer...the twins are in morning preschool tues/thurs, so if s5 was in morning, I'd have two mornings where I could have free...the most important thing being my therapy appt on tues mornings. H has been able to watch the kids up till now, but the new job won't allow for it (he's in a real office).

the pm thing sucks, but I had finally decided to just figure things out, figured I'd talk to my therapist tomorrow, and in the meantime, adjusted to the idea of having some quality one-on-one time with s5. not a bad thing, especially right now.

I finally got the official school letter this morning...and ta dah, he's in morning K! omg, were they kidding? I could barely believe it. same teacher, just am instead of pm. I called the school to confirm the sec'y looked it up, yep, morning. I re-arranged my friend who is babysitting the twins next week on the ride the bus with mom day (its a different day depending on am/pm). all is good, right?

then a few hours later I get a call...there is a problem, and they don't know which he has, am or pm. the principal's list says pm, but the teacher's list says am. so they won't know until tomorrow until they talk to the teacher....they have no idea why her list is different.

arggggghhhh.

guessing the principal's list is probably the accurate one, but we shall see. wish me luck, that somehow it all works out, regardless of the outcome.

as for h, it would be nice if you were right, but honestly, I think he's going to block it out of his mind and live it up with the ow. ahhh, the visions. must stop them.