Cemar you're not going to get any examples of anyone changing the nature of their relationship into one where their partner has become truly HD by your definition. They don't exist. You have no reason to be here as nobody can help you.
I think that you think that no one understands your position. WE DO! Many of us here have felt the same pain you feel. Some of us feel it every day. But the problem, as Martelo has said, is that you have boxed yourself into a corner by making the "rules" of what has to happen SO stringent that it almost certainly will never happen.
Have you ever heard of Kent Hovind? He was an avid creationist who set up the "$200,000 Evolution Challenge" (or something like that) in which he said he would pay $200,000 to the first person who could offer proof of evolution. But then when you went to his website to get details, he had so many restrictions and conditions that nobody could ever claim the prize. He then went on TV and the internet and used the unclaimed prize as proof of the faultiness of evolution.
You are doing the same thing. The conditions you are setting are ensuring your failure. It doesn't matter if the conditions are logical or not. Desire is not logical. You could have a laundry list of perfectly logical reasons why your wife should desire you, but until she FEELS that desire, it ain't gonna happen.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
But the problem, as Martelo has said, is that you have boxed yourself into a corner by making the "rules" of what has to happen SO stringent that it almost certainly will never happen.
What have I made as so stringent? I think that everything I am asking for is a NORMAL part of sex.
Yes you are looking for normal sex. But would you agree that the "distance" between where you are now and normal sex is long? Would you agree that the attitude shift that you want from your W is rather large? When the problem is large, when the changes needed are many, the steps sometimes have to be particularly small so that they don't overwhelm.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Since you said you did not understand this article, please go back and reread it. At least try to ask questions about it so we can tell you our interpretations. For some help, I see YOUR DESIRE for desire from your wife as the desire that is being discussed in this interview. It is NOT your desire for desire that is a problem. IT is your clinging to the desire that appears to be causing an issue.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
So should I stop wanting desire from my wife? And if I don't want her desire, then what would I want from her?
Did you reread the interview?
No you do not have to stop wanting desire from your wife. I have not told you to not want your wife to desire you. I have only tried to share possible actions to open up the possibility of getting that desire.
From the interview:
Question: Would that necessarily mean sitting with the desire unfulfilled?
Answer:Well, the nature of desire is that it's always at least a little bit unfulfilled. Resting in the gap - without either rushing to satisfy the desire or foreclosing the possibility of that satisfaction - is a literal attempt to open to desire in its totality, to understand it, and through this insight to come to an understanding of oneself. Denial of the desire is just another way of trying to eradicate the gap, which is what desire wants: Ultimately, desire seeks fulfillment. The practice I'm talking about encourages one to move toward that which one desires, witnessing the whole process along the way, and not simply getting lost in dissatisfaction. This approach challenges one to go wholeheartedly into one's life and one's desire, and also to accept whatever comes of that pursuit.
Please read the bold italics carefully. Please ask if you don't understand the comments.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
It is NOT your desire for desire that is a problem. IT is your clinging to the desire that appears to be causing an issue.
I've been pondering Cemar and his "how do you make her desire" issue.
Here are some of those thoughts.
I don't think Cemar (Cemar, bear with me and correct me after you've read the rest) really wants his wife to desire him.
Because, if she was incapacitated physically and cried every day with her sexually longing for him (and the physical inability to do anything about it) - he wouldn't be satisfied and he wouldn't be validated. So, it can't be desire alone.
Cemar wants his wife to give him mindblowing, semen-swallowing blowjobs. Cemar wants his wife to grab his parts, thrust her tongue down his throat, and hump him seven ways from Sunday. If she chose to do this because she was having a midlife crisis (no increase in sexual desire) and wanted to see if she still had it in her - I don't think Cemar would be using his desire dipstick to see what her level was with a resultant decrease in sexual satisfaction.
He has the equation that sexual desire = great sex so in order for there to be great sex there must be great desire.
This just isn't necessarily true.
And by moving it into the realm of desire and out of the realm of "here are some sexual activities I want to explore and I want you to be an active participant in them with me" Cemar has set up a situation in which he is a perpetual victim in which he is incapable (and not responsible to take any actions) of making any impact.
