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Nugget, you are right. I have to be patient. I'm in the here's a problem and here are the resources, let's throw the kitchen sink and everything else at it and go fix it mentality again. I wonder if her being a Libra has anything to do with it. Always weighing and contemplating. Of course why the hell I didn't address the problems years ago is what I'm kicking myself for. But looking back on it, maybe I wasn't ready to do it at that time.

This week has been pretty hard. W and kids are gone since Sat and won't be back until next Tues. When they used to take trips like that I felt like hey I got time to do stuff on my own and this is great. This time I actually hate it. I'm missing all of them terribly. Right now I'll be happy to put up with the kids screaming, crying, misbehaving, and etc just to spend some time with them and the W.

Arrrrrg! I really need to quit doing this! Talked to W on the phone earlier. Can't stop myself talking about the R. Totally pissed her off. I just need to be whacked by a 2x4 no matter what. For whatever reason I'm just having a really bad day missing her and the kids and just couldn't stop myself. Maybe I'm just dreading the separation that's coming up and missing them, and it's really screwing with my emotions.

And now she is saying that she wants to save the marriage IF it's possible. And she's totally undecided on what she wants to do and if she is able to do it. Can she get over the resentment? Yeah of course she can if she wants to. Does she have the motivation or desire to? Who knows.... And I'm not exactly helping there it seems. She's saying I'm trying to make her feel guilty by telling her I'm willing to do anything to save the M and that it's desperation and not commitment. I'm just trying to get her to understand how serious I am. What's the point of doing something desperate instead of actually committing to what you say? It'll just regress if it's desperation and we'll be back at square one. Why can't she get it? I still don't understand how exactly telling her how I feel is pressuring her. It's not like I'm hounding her to make a decision, set a date, or making any sort of commitment. Just trying to be honest with her about how I feel and I thought that's what she's been wanting forever.....

She does not have the same desire, values and want for the relationship right now that you do. You can not force, coherse, guilt, pressure or beg it on to her. She has to want if for herself. Anything you do to try to prove to her that it can work out, that it will be better, that you are changing. Only drive her more into her anti-relationship stance with you. It is the opposite of what she wants and is feeling right now. You can not force anyone to see things your way, believe what you do or feel how you do. They can only do that for themselves.

*sigh* Nugget you are right. I'm just having such a hard time holding it together. Finally realizing what she said isn't what I thought was a huge blow. I thought we might actually make it. Now it's a step backwards and a lot less hope.... Man why does it have to be so hard! It's like here's the expressway to the destination but they rather take the back country windy twisty way and get lost in the end. Just freaking go to the therapist with me and start the healing. Worry about the now and future and just let go the past. Why can't it be like that?!?!?!?

Dave,

Have you read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy? She's given you no choice....you have to go along with her. Use the time alone to get a life (GAL). Be happy, enjoy life. If she thinks you're having fun, she might be willing to spend time with you again.

All the research you've done on how to fix the marriage has to go on the back burner until you have her attention.

You should be aware that most of the time when they don't want to work on the marriage, there is another man.

I am reading Divorce Busting right now. Getting to Divorce Remedy next. And then The DNA of Relationships. Trying to GAL... Anyone in the Phoenix area? :P Looking on craigslist and trying to see if anyone is interested in a new friend.... It's kinda hard cuz I have not moved out yet for another 2 weeks. She and the kids are out of town. Too much idle time and no friends for outlet....

As for there's another man. Well, there was an EA. I'm fully convinced that it's no longer the case. I know she is being truthful and honest with me on that. I think she is just hurting so much right now that she's not sure if she wants to deal with all that emotion and take the chance of me hurting her again. Just like she is avoiding in dealing with her eating disorder issues like the plague. I'm hoping that when I move out it will give her some time to truly deal with her feelings. I'm really hoping the outcome would be positive. But it really makes it hard for me to have a lot of faith given the way she's handled other issues.... I just truly hope that she realizes getting over her anger and resentment in the end is for her own benefit mostly and not for me.

DaveJ, go visit this site and read the page on detachment. I know you have been struggling with it as have I. But, for me the struggle with my mis-interpretation of the definition that applies to our situations.

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

Dave,

Just a quick note, Stop pushing your W. Not only will you not fix your M, you'll most likely doom it.

As hard as it is, step back, breath, do things for yourself. When you feel the need to talk to your W about how you feel and how great the R could be, hit yourself in the forehead with a 2x4.

Trust me, I didn't shut up about what I wanted plus I didn't realize how large a role I had played in the deterioration of my M. In part, those two things drove my W away. I haven't read all of your thread, but have you focused on your role in where you are? Until you begin to understand how your actions and behaviors affected how your W feels, you're going to have a hard time reconnecting with her. Is it hard that she doesn't want to work on the R. Hell yeah. Can you do it anyway, hell yeah.

So, not to be mean, but to be blunt -- shut up about the R and fixing it.

BD

Heimlich,
Yeah I played a big role in flushing down my M down the drain. Wish I can take it back but it's not possible... I'm trying really hard not to talk about R or myself. I'm thinking about scheduling a phone session here. Maybe that'll straighten me out and give me some hope. I am fully aware of what I did and she is aware that I know what I did and how sorry I am. Doesn't help her letting go yet though. I did give her a standing offer of hitting me with a 2x4 if she feels that can help her release. I just really need to learn to shut up. I swear I need somebody to smack me before I start talking.

Yeah I read that just this morning actually. Sure didn't make me shut up though. It's like I can't control myself.... When I get down, I can't keep my mouth shut. Need to work on that. Called and canceled my therapist session. Just ain't helping me. I'm feeling like I'm paying $$$ to hear myself talk..... Signed up with this other therapy place that seems to be BT based. Hope to set some goals. It's run by a church but it's free so I can't complain. 10 sessions. I guess by the end of that either the W will either want to start the piecing or call it quits....

Now I'm recalling something. On Sat afternoon when I dropped the W and the kids at the airport, I swear she was about to cry and she kept telling me to get going instead of wait for them to get through the security. Is that a positive? Do you guys think that maybe she does have feelings for me and actually is thinking that she might miss me?