Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #2

I know this may be the wrong time but maybe the bedroom should be prepared for, er look like, um, kind of make it like you wanted to bring someone else home! Has that crossed your head or is the thought too wrong and scary? My bedroom is far from romantic, toys everywhere. My two year old sleeps in my room still. Yeah, yeah, I know a marriage killer, but he is my baby and I always thought that was a joke! I never took it literally.

Love the bedding.

What happened to our Potter Barn lives? The Fall catalogue is my favorite! But now I see all the wrinkles in my life. I hope he realizes how much he has thrown away. Halloween,Thanksgiving, Christmas morning. Santa's reindeer food. I already mentioned to my H how my brother is teaching D6 to ride a bike. My H needs to go give his OW a ride to her job as a restaraunt hostess passing out menus to families so he is not available for all that Dad stuff. Joke.

lwb, its been a chatty 24 hours, what can I say. expecting this thread to lock sooner rather than later (when do they lock exactly?).

I love the idea of baking but not having it around to nibble. wish you all were closer, you'd all have cookies on your doorsteps on those nights I can't sleep.

I wish I felt like I did the right thing. but in a way, I guess its good I finally cleared the air...it had been a while. now I can go back to my regularly scheduled db-ing. not that I think it will save my marriage, more that I think it will help me gal and move on from it.

What do they expect us to do to 'save' the marriage, when we are just struggling to breathe and raise the kids, and deal with the mess they left? H accused me of scrambling to fix things only after he told me he was unhappy (before A). Well, yeah, because uh...I didn't know you were so unhappy, and when I found out you were, I tried to fix things. I am a lot of things, but psychic is not on the list.

morgan, keep on with that list, but do them for yourself. I know, I know...but still...do it.

mk, speaking of holidays an h's, want to know the nerve my h had this year? easter came not long after the bomb. h had the gall, the balls, the nerve to suggest we do something called bunny prints, where you take a little baby powder and make little tracks leading to their baskets.

omg, I just stared at him. then I asked where he had heard it...trust me, the man did NOT start reading my parents magazine. he got flustered and tried to pass it off on a friend's wife, so I offered to call her in order to get the exact details. he got even more flustered. that's when I laid into him...in no way would I ever do anything that ow suggests. he then, and yes, he does apparently have big balls, said to me, "even if its cute???"

gag, cough, gag.

not expecting anyone in my bedroom anytime soon, but its pretty kid free, for the most part. thankfully my kids sleep in their own rooms, and no toys are in my room, just some books in the bookcase. so hey, if I ever get lucky, there I am. lol. and I don't think the bedding is man-repellant. I don't plan to load the bed up with china dolls and stuffed animals. heh

lwb, the saving marriage crap is just more of the same...trying to pass the buck. they figure they can take the focus off themselves, take the blame off themselves, and hand it over to us. well f that.

a few weeks ago when he blew up at me about everything, and asked what was I doing to save the marriage, I smiled sweetly and asked if he was ready to go back to mc...I would love to! lets get going, bud. not exactly the answer he was looking for. lol.

seriously, what would I do without all you guys?

eta, lwb, my h is the same...I never knew there were problems, never knew he was unhappy, until the bomb. when he let me know, finally, the things that bothered him, I worked on changing them....and he got PISSED that I did. nice, huh?

finally heard from H on one of my e-mails. he didn't bother responding to any of them except for the one on friday. my sister was supposed to come into town with her girls, just for the day, so I had asked to keep the kids till saturday. she isn't coming now, so checked to see if he wanted them on friday as usual. expected him to have plans, actually, but I gave him the option. he wrote, "That sounds good, thanks"

nothing on my other e-mails. granted, they were pathetic and probably didn't really need responses. I was a bit high on the passive-agressive/manipulative/sad/hurt/angry scale with them. an example:

have been going thru boxes of stuff today, found a bunch of old pictures/cards. guessing you don't want any, but if you want one or two as a keepsake, let me know.

I know we are in completely different places right now. I really do understand that. its just going to be hard for me for a while, but I'll get there. I will. I just hope we can do this without hating each other in the end. I don't want to hate you, h. I'm going to do my best to stop loving you, but I really don't want hate to take its place.

I appreciate your honesty this morning. I know it wasn't easy for you. thank you. hoping it will help eventually.

take care,

m.

I don't think those are bad. But then again, I'm doing the same thing.

I want to be able to breathe.....without feeling like I might throw up or cry.

I'm a dork - I forgot to add - I like that bedding. I also saw some pretty bedding @ Bed, Bath and Beyond this weekend....

Check me out

oh god, now I am crying again. he finally responde to my e-mail. where did my husband go? what is wrong with him? and why can't I help him thru this???? here is his response. its breaking my heart. damn me for still caring about the man:

Please don't get rid of anything just yet as I am sure there are things I would like to keep.

I know that you don't hate me and I wish there was a way for me to convince you that I don't hate you even a little bit. I know that my actions suggest otherwise but I really don't. The only person I hate in this situation is myself. If you had any idea the level of self-hatred that I have right now you would be really scared for me. And it's not just about us. It's about the fact that I don't even enjoy being with my own kids anymore without being annoyed and unhappy. The fact that I am drinking too much. That I haven't been to the gym. That I don't even look at the paper anymore. I have no idea what has happened to me. You say you don't know me anymore, well that holds true for me as well. I feel like I have completely lost myself and don't know how to get me back. I'm sure you think that the answer is to just try to reconcile with you and everything will be okay but I don't know how to do that either. I can't imagine things ever being right between us considering your lack of trust and the things that have been said.

I know I am rambling but I am having a really bad day. I'm so scared, confused, sad, feeling like a failure and a bad person. I really just wish I could disappear and make it stop. I know that everyone hates me. Even my Mom though she won't admit it. I know I am [censored] up my kids and they are so good and loving. God, I hate myself so much, you have no idea.

interesting note, he keeps throwing it on me, even with this...its about my lack of trust. I have never not trusted him, as scary as that is to imagine. I have not accepted it when he hasn't ended things, but I know I could trust him again...if he would allow me to, and earn it back. the thing is, he's been so determined from day one that I won't trust him again, that he has never given me a chance to, or a chance for himself to show me he can be trusted again.

so do I respond, or just sit on this?

I'm so pathetic, I dont want him to hurt, i don't want him to hate himself. I want to throw my arms around him and make it better. but even with this he is telling me that isn't what he wants. and I can't do anything to help him.

If it were me, I'd respond....but post here for pointers before you hit send....

Morgan:

You wanna torture him? Give him, oh, I don't know.... maybe two cookies. That's it.

As my DB coach says, leave 'em wanting more!