We shared some pics via email, but I want to set up a MySpace or other photo-sharing page, too. I'll let you know after I get everyone's ok.
I was just messing with the online "dating" thing--but I got over 70 replies in 5 hours :0)
Are there any specific actions that you would recommend that shows to H that I am accepting, but not endorsing? I am exchanging financial affid. with him tonight, and I went and bought a used TV for $40 at a garage sale today. The computer will have to wait.
I won't ask him if he is having CW move in--the thought just turns my stomach, I can't do anything to change it, and it isn't my business at this point. As long as my kids are not exposed to her (but we will cross our fingers at court tomorrow).
He (they) have done some reading, and he knows that his support payments are probably twice that required by the courts, and that a no-contact order would most likely have to be filed separately. But he still never filed an appearance, so it is going through as uncontested. We'll see...
"He (they) have done some reading, and he knows that his support payments are probably twice that required by the courts..."
Yep. That and the computer thing demonstrate that he has moved past the super generous stage. He will likely soon be in the bitter I-shouldn't-have-to-pay-that-b*tch stage. (Not a nice stage.)
I hope all goes well and your original agreement sticks tomorrow so that his nasty stages don't affect you financially. The courts are never going to devise such a generous agreement and H will never sign off on such a generous agreement again. So, unless you are sure it won't threaten that agreement, I'd say go for the no-conact thing separately AFTER the financial sitch is handled.
Oh, and don't remind him about court. Not your job. Definitely not to your advantage.
"Are there any specific actions that you would recommend that shows to H that I am accepting, but not endorsing?"
Yeah. Do nothing except stick to business. No R talk. No questioning. No trying to get him to see the light. Stick with forgetting the friends thing for now. For him, that is all about himself and trying to feel like a good guy. Not your job to make him feel like a good guy.
My D came back from H's last night, and quickly spiraled into her regressive state, whining and finally hysterical crying. I had told H about this recurring dynamic, and he asked that I put them on the phone with him so he could hear the anguish.
She called him and the phone was busy. I paged him and asked that he call her, which he did. He then spoke with S. I got on the phone. He had tried to solve the sitch that she was complaining about, which I said really wasn't necessary--the upset comes from not having him here. He agreed, but said he backed me up 100%.
It went downhill from there.
He still insists that he will have the kids around CW, since she is in his life now. Went on and on about how she has only cared about and for our children, and that my hatred of her is off-base and unwarranted. Again, I could give him all of the reasons for my perspective, and they are all wrong. Citing her parenting skills, he said that I should look within before I start bashing someone else...essentially finding fault in that in me, too.
I am so very sad, almost back to devestated. I asked him not to do this to me, to the kids--how much more can I take? He continues to say that he is moving on, that there will be another woman in his life, if not CW then someone else. But not me.
Why do I still love this man? How do I make it stop?
Pick yourself up. Get your plan. Start working it. Call your support system. Do some things.
"I got on the phone."
Why?
I want you to give some serious thought to that question. What are you getting out of having the destructive R talk with H over and over again?
From the outside, it looks like you are working yourself up to get back to a place of feeling devastated. What is your fear about what it says about YOU if you let go of being devastated?
You really did get a good vacation. You forgot that H is the evil twin and not the former H and father you used to know!
I keep getting the image from the Wizard of Oz of the lion or the tin man throwing water on the witch and making her melt. The evil twin throws "I don't love you" or "I will have another woman in my life" at you, hoping you will just melt away.
You need to be strong, and not melt away. OK, so now you know...he's not there to be supportive of you. And he's not there to be supportive of the children.
You know what? You can do it without him. You are strong and you will take care of your kids. You will dry D's tears and comfort her, and explain that life is not fair. He didn't just leave you, he left the family. And the kids are going to have their hearts broken, no matter what he thinks.
It's up to you to pick up the pieces and put this puzzle back together again. Without him in it. You have to be strong. You can do it.
Every time I read that a spouse or ex tells the other one what they should or should not feel the first thing that springs to my mind is to be agreeable. Or to use the I am sorry you feel that line back on them.
For instance, when he tells you that you shouldn't hold hatred towards the OW say, I agree, I shouldn't. Or say, You are right and I am sorry you feel that way. Don't say anything more.
Trip your 100000% correct. That is how we should be all handling our interactions. Agree with them even if you do not agree with them. By agreeing with them you take away the fight. If they see you agree, then there is nothing to fight about. I know I have never won a fight with my wife. I may feel better that I got things of my chest, but I am no where closer to her. But, if we can agree then the anger and distance between us goes away.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
