Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy When do we stop looking through the affair glasses

reecegirl...thanks...I do have awesome kids ...but they need a mom who is not living a lie ever moment of her life...my 13yr daughter needs her mom 24/7 right now..she has a dad who loves her but I feel very inadequate at times....did I see that right, how many kid'os you have ,wow !...talking in his sleep, maybe next time you could ask him a few questions if you need to...take care SorryDog

reecegirl, my H gets all cold and defensive after discussing the things he has done. Its so unfair! And at least your OW didn't know he was married and did the moral thing when she found out. H's OW was MY friend from our kids playgroup and then went after my H, and continues to see him/call him, even at my D5's new school, they have eaten lunch together.

mkultra and sorrydog, How awful that they aren't reachable for their own kids. Avoiding guilt much? That's so unfair. SD, I totally agree that all of our kids deserve so much more, especially your teen daughter. I hope you have a nice breakfast this morning, and all you can focus on is that YOU aren't giving up, you are stepping up for your kids, and in the long run, your kids will see this.

Sometimes I read others' sitches and mine does not seem so bad. We need a graph of the ICK FACTOR! I think mine would register a 6 on the ICKter Scale. What makes my sitch icky is that my H is seeing someone who looks very young, a typical teen who is really about 21. ooo. The next ICKY thing is that he philanders in front of my mom who is his boss at a niteclub. Nasty. She sees it all and that is so disrespectful. The last ICK is that he does not sleep or eat all day and night so people assume he is on drugs. Yuck

However, I think cheating with a neighbour or friend is the worst. Especially if their kids know your kids. Double ICK. I don't know why, but I think it is shameful to be indecent when a man has daughters to raise. That shows so little respect for females.

mkultra, H had affair with my friend, a woman I knew from my kids playgroup. Definately up there on the ICK factor. Disrespectful on both parties. I have especially dealt with HER blatant disregard for my marriage and my life, and squeezing her way in, even when she is married. And yep, kids are close with her kids. They talk about her kids all the time.

ICK to your H's blatant disregard and doing those things in front of your family. ICK ICK ICK

When you are in the midst of it (H or W having an affair, either in D or not) there are triggers everywhere, and most people are on a wild roller coaster ride full of INTENSE ups and downs. Through time, and a lot of self-focus (i.e. GAL, PMA, etc...) one can sort of get the hang of those ups and downs. Even though they are still super painful and hard... it becomes more routine. You numb a little to some of those stab wounds....

Then, when things move to either reconciliation or divorce, you go in different directions to try and heal and grow. The typical timeline for healing with divorce is, now I think this is what I read... something like two years(?). That's post divorce. Everything is gradual and my guess is there are things you never entirely heal from.


According to books on the topic, the timeline for healing from affairs after reconciliation is one to two years. But I do think it can differ depending on the person involved. I'd say with my husband's first affair (I call it the "post-baby affair") It was two years to get over intense anger and disappointment... then maybe 5 - 7 years before I felt confident in the marriage again. This second affair and divorce filing (this one is the "MLC exit affair"), well... in some ways it was easier and other ways harder. I detached more which helped with the anger, disappointment, understanding, not blaming, etc... but I think my confidence in the marriage (because we did almost get divorced), may take longer this time....

So I do think there are different factors in healing that can be individual to each sitch. I also think we don't ever entirely lose those glasses, but WE change in how we see through them.

runningoutoftime....I am nearly out of time 21 days till the D...

i appreciate your words of wisdom concerning the healing process...thanks

SorryDog

SDog,

Sorry to hear that, but I understand. When I joined this forum the clock was ticking for me too and my husband was doing everything possible to push the D through as quickly as possible. I did whatever I could to slooooow it down (Like being too busy GALing, i.e. getting my nails done, getting my hair done, eyebrows waxed, etc... to fill out paperwork! ).

Your state must be really quick with this. Fortunately here in California most D's (even easy ones) seem to take 6 months to a year. My husband was counting on 4 to 6 months while I planned on dragging the thing out for at least 2 years!!!

I think it's a shame courts allow divorces to go through so quickly.
{{{hugs}}}} to you.

runningoutoftime ....this will blow you away...in our state it is 60 days from filing for the D to the D court date...for us it was 70 days...I am not going to get in the way of my RAS ( run away spouse ) desired freedom, ...she needs to come to herself and I am trying to get out of the way...before the D court date our lawyers will have everything settled b/w us and the Judge will only have to grant the D w/o any rulings ...that all sound good in theory we will see if that is the way it will workout...
I am still standing for our marriage , our family ...
http://s243.photobucket.com/albums/ff38/1sorrydog/

Thats all...SorryDog

SorryDog,

Keep standing for yourself, your kids, your family and your marriage. Unfortunately, it does sound like your divorce will probably go through before your wife "wakes up" and I'm very sorry to hear that. It makes me SICK that a state would even allow it. When kids are involved I think it should be 6 months minimum with mandatory MC (1 session per month).

Sadly, I think your only option is to LRT (Last Resort Technique: see DB or DR... I thought DR was the better of the two when in separation and divorce).

Do NOT be angry, blaming, BITTER (that's the big one to avoid!!!), or mean. The divorce is probably going to go through because of the time. But do not poison that relationship. WORK ON FRIENDSHIP. Even if only for the kids. They really need that.

And don't date or go crazy!!! Your kids need stability, a great role model. You need to be that. And a rebound relationship will only add more craziness to your and their lives. (But don't let W know this... a little mystery is always good. Hopefully she *thinks* you could be thinking of dating? Just the idea that there "could" someday be another stepmom might be a nice jolt to her reality.... heck, give her the movie "Stepmom" as a divorce present! Hee hee!!!! Just kidding...).

Do you have a great lawyer? What's the custody??? If she's fleeing, get as much custody as you can....

runningoutoftime...



I am there,going dark grey keeping the face to face to an absolute min...email/text is my new friend



Every day /moment I have to forgive and give it to God,keeping my heart open to healing...the friendship thing,I am just working on being friendly...

...What the heck is date ? I know...trying to create the mystery...got any ideas ?

..if there where lawyer allstars in our state he would be an MVP...

...shared...half/half...but since I stayed in our home the kids come to the house every day after school...this allows me to see them almost every day...if push came to shove I could be the primary care giver, but I am not pushing it...

Thanks ...SorryDog