Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives vacation is over, I am leaving

LIMBO,

What is with all the cake eating around here? It seemes to me that more so our men/husbands want it all- a heirlem?. They want all these different women to fulfill all their needs, if one cant then the other will,etc. Yet when it is a WAW most of them seem to want just one partner at a time!

I am sorry your stich has taken the turn it has!! These men just cant seem to make up their minds. I guess it some kind of wickedness hold these OW have.

C

Limbo/chicki, let me give you all ladies some insight. I have been in an out of EAs. I have done so since my W wasnt the romantic person I wanted her to be. I have done so to read and understand what the OP has to say and the excitement that drives me to think how she will be in bed. It didnt got me anywhere. I didnt even went out soul searching for a one night stand eventhough I had all the opportunities in the world. I stood there alone and waited for W. H's only think of one thing - SEX, nothing else. Once all the sexual fantasies had been done and have been fulfilled, H's look for another and then another.

To prevent that from happening, I would suggest that you all become the OW that H's are looking for. A man only needs to be sexually fulfilled to be happy, everything else comes in naturally. That is my perspective. I am not saying that my W didnt satisfied me, all I am saying is that it wasnt romantic enough but now I understand why she wasnt. That can easily be fixed given the chance and patience it can happend.

But for the record, I must say I have not been with OW all throughout the R.

Wow mmh! That is good to hear b/c not too long ago while my H was away on business via IM he really opened up to what he was not getting from sexually and how our sex life got boring. I told him how he never told me before but he tought I should have known all along.

Some of the things he wants I am not too comfortable and /or too experinced with, so the other day I tried what he wanted just a different way to go about it w/out making me feel ackward. While IM'ng he stated he knew I cant fulfill his wishes b/c I was not"that kind of a girl". Well I am learning & told him it goes both ways. My LL is QT & I told him he takes time out for me & do things w/ me & I am willing to do alost anything to satisfy him.

MMH, I am on mission now to make sure I do these things as I am sure OW was/is doing them.

Did i give too much information???

Also, mmh one question. At first I thought if I were to do these things while he is still w/ her, then will he lose respect for me and see me as only a sex thing?

No, not necessary. You will be giving him what he missed all through the R. This is good cause intimacy leads to romance which leads to rebuilding. If you see H wants to do it just to see you and not being a little romantic then it may differ. I have to LOL at this advise Im giving you now. Say you are so romantic and intimate, then you put a hicki on him. H goes back to OW and OW finds this hicki on H. What will happend? Do you care? Does it shows you that you have power over H?

Think of it but dont do that immediately. For your other question, my answer is NO you are not giving out too much info. My W would love for me to go down there but I didnt since 'she was not that kind of woman and I got her embarassed.' But now, if given the chance, that will all be done without second thoughts. Too much info MMH - lmao.

Chicki!
Yes, I think he will lose respect for you.

I'm not sure I could do these things with my H while he is being satisfied by OW. She thinks great sex means he will leave his W. Obviously it doesn't mean that because H is still here.

However I'm becoming more convinced that the bed department is where the main action is for the H. Someone told me years ago when we discussed R and men :Act like the OW.

I thought it was funny at the time, ridiculous. But I'm not laughing now.

I also think the idea of a harem appeals to some men, dipping in and out of women's emotions and bodies. But like you say, chicki, my H is fiercely loyal to OW.

take care, bar

Sweetie:

Detach. It's something you need to do for yourself, and it's something you'll need to continue to do if you make it to piecing. Detaching is about recognizing that you can't control H, that you love yourself, that you're okay no matter what, and that H's actions are his choices and his problems.

I know the anger and the hurt. I understand the fear. However, if you don't risk, then you won't have the opportunity to grow and get what you want most. This goes for whether you and H work it out or some other guy comes along in your future. I held on to my fear and hurt a good 10-months into piecing, and not only did it keep a wall up to keep me "safe" (in quotes because it's not true), but I hurt myself every day of those 10 months thinking about OW.

So, detach. Let any notion of control over anyone but yourself go. Work on yourself, make YOU your source of happiness and strength. Your H needs to do the same, needs to work on himself by his own choice and not because we can tell him the 1000 things that are screwy about him since he was sooo polite as to tell us how horrible we were. (That still irritates me...but I recognize that's my issue!)

Breathe. Get busy. Go for a walk. Remember, YOU HAVE CHOICES. You are NOT a victim. You are valuable already, right now, without changing another thing. Flawed? Yep, just like the rest of the human race. Work on your PMA and GAL. This is the rest of your life, with H or not. PMA/GAL/detaching...good LIFE strategies.

Take care!

SD

I totally agree with this. To keep me away from OW do the things I would like be done onto me from OW. Say the things I want to hear. Then I would have no interests in OW and focus on the woman that I come home to. As a man, this is what I look for in OW. I look for things that my W dont give to me and so leads me astray from her.

For example, if I love seeing cleavage. Then W should wear clothing that shows cleavage. If I like seeing W in thongs underwear, then W should wear them. It goes the same way for a woman. If my W like for me to wear my hair short, then why should I let it grow long. If my W dont like my drinking, then why should I do so. This one is a major goal I have set for the rebuilding of the R. It has been almost 60 days since I have been sober.

I am doing the things W would like to see and I feel so good about doing so. I set priorties for family time over anything else.

Thanks all, it great to have you all to turn to, because I haven't told anyone about the lastest, as they will all think I am nuts....and i think that the same thing about myself.
Why can't I just walk away, I wouldn't let anyone else treat me this way so why him?

I have realized a couple of things, the first is that no matter how much you try to spy it doesn't make a difference, they can still get around you, and you are right detach! and thats what I am doing, I have learnt my lesson!
I told him that he and we had to go into counseling, and he was all gung ho to call yesterday, now nothing, also I said he had to end it with ow and he said he would email her and blind copy me, still nothing!
How long do i let this go on, what do I do, I just don't know what to do for the best, yes I am thinking of the kids, but I have to think of my sanity...how much more of a beating can I take?

I had a bit of a melt down with H today...it was a rough day, h and I had been talking about taking a bike course and getting a couple of bikes, however today I told him that with the debt we have and the total uncertainty of our marriage that I don't think there should be any major purchases for about a year, until we are on sure grounds.
he got all pissy, and treated me like crap!
So later I went for a drive, he came with me, and so basically I laid it on the line, I said that I just don't think that I have much left in me to continue like this, and that he has to make a decision, what he wants.
We talked and he said he wants to stay, and he doesn't know why he goes back to her, "infatuation or something" I told him I am better then her, I am not talking like a scorned wife, but I am, he said I was.
He then said the knows he is a manic depressive, then said maybe he is making excuses, and I said that I thought he was, as its easier to put a label on it, instead of taking responsibility, I don't deny he has had depression, I also told him that he hasn't done everything he could to get better, which he agreed with.
I told him I know its hard, and he said he doesn't like talking to a C as it embarrassing, and hard to do.
We talked some more about our own immaturity and we need to now step up and act like adults.
So either this will push him back to her or he will stay, to be honest at this point I think I want to bring things to a head, and if he leaves, then he leaves, and if he stays then thats good.
I am just so very tired at this point, I think that I have lost alot of the fight, and what ever happens, happens.

Sorry this is so long...had to babble and get things out alittle bit!

Limbo:

Sorry. I am a bit behind on your thread but wanted to respond to your earlier post.



This sounds like the typical back and forth that so many of us have to deal with. I don't know whether you should believe it or not. He seems to be very back and forth right now and to extremes. I would not put too much stock in anything he says right now. Look at his actions more than his words.



I think you answered your own question. You want him to stay because you love him and you want to keep your family together.



Only you know the answer to these questions. I firmly believe that what I am doing is the right thing in order to give our R the best chance to get through this rough time. I suspect you feel the same way.

Keep your head up and try to focus more on yourself. Do something. Get out and have some time to yourself. What are you doing to GAL?