Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Need advice on WAW with OM

I don't know how those of you who are dealing with your spouse with OP can deal with it. The though of my wife being intimate with the OM drives me crazy and completely occupies my thoughts. Especially when she indicates she still wants to work on our marriage but she just needs space. If our marriage was over I could probably forget about it and go on.

It's an obsession I wish I could get rid of but I just don't know how.

Svejk

I am very confused about how to show my wife that I'm not a doormat for her or as she put it, "I have you in the palm of my hand and I can do whatever I want."

Lately, the only time she calls is when she needs help with something. Today she called and I let the call go to VM. She said she wanted me to go to the car dealership with her so I could talk to the mechanic about our son's car. I couldn't say no because I feel like it's still my duty and I felt she would probably be upset that I wouldn't help her. Of course, on the way there and back she wouldn't say a word to me, and my tries at making conversation were rebuffed.

I never have the chance to decline requests for unimportant things like dinner or conversation because she doesn't call for that lately. I really want to politely say no to some of her requests or make an excuse but feel like I'm letting her down. Most of her requests have to do with stuff that she can't or doesn't know how to do for herself. I guess it's a good thing that she isn't asking OM to do these things for her. Although I think she would never want her family to know about the OM because he is about 14 years younger than her and it's just, hopefully, a temporary fling.

I sense a little bit of guilt in her voice when she does ask me to for these types of things. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

Is it a good idea to deny some of these requests so that she will realize what she is missing, or will I just upset her and push her further away?

Thanks,
Svejk

At the risk of stating the obvious for you, I think you've outlined a plan for yourself in your post.



That's pretty harsh. Show her that's just not so.



Say no. Politely.

Then, have a great day.

Doing something for your son's car is part of your job as dad. Doing favors for your W when she has already said that you're in the palm of her hand . . . not so much your job. Do a 180, show her you are a man. Be kind, but be firm. Maybe do a few favors but have plans that conflict with others.

Just my thoughts.

BD

Today my son's girlfriend called me because she was trying to contact my wife regarding some important papers she needed faxed to her immediately. She couldn't get a hold of my wife so she asked me if I could try.

I called my wife and she answered, "What! I'm busy, what do you want!". At this point I was more than a little angry, but I calmly let her know the situation and said goodbye.

After thinking about it a few minutes I decided I wasn't going to take anymore of her treating me like that just because she knows she can.

I called her back and angrily said, "I'm not going to take the way you treat me anymore when I'm the one helping you out! You have no right or cause to talk to me the way you do. I've had enough of it!"

She apologized a couple of times and I said goodbye.

It's my own fault because I'm always there for her and she takes complete advantage of it and thanks me by treating me like crap.

Although I know I need to decline helping her in some situations, it's very difficult to put into practice. Since these situations are the only time we have contact lately, my irrational fear is that she will stop calling me altogether and I will completely lose contact with her.

But then I also sometimes vacillate to the other extreme where I would like to just tell her, "I'm done with you," and just walk away and she what happens. I know this is not a recommended DBing technique, but sometimes I think it may just wake up my wife and make her think about life without me. Of course, I would have to be ready for it to really end if I said this, and I'm not ready for that.

She has told me several times that she is afraid of losing me, but I think she knows she doesn't really have to worry about it because I haven't told her it's over, and she knows I don't want it to end. I don't know how she will ever get the idea that I won't be waiting for her forever unless I do something drastic. I have pretty much implemented GAL and I don't call her, but she calls me.

Even if I stop responding to some of her calls and denying some of her requests, I have no confidence that this will even phase her now. It took me a few months to get to the point where I stopped begging/pleading and GAL, and I'm afraid it will take her months to see these changes are permanent.

This is without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with in my life, and I have a lot of respect for all of you here you have been at it for so long. Hopefully I can keep it up and stop making mistakes.

Svejk

Normally, what you did would probably be a mistake, but I think you did the right thing for your sitch. Sounds like a good 180 for you.

And, you'll never stop making mistakes, just don't kill yourself when you make them.

It will get better,

BD

Well, I finally reached some kind of tipping point.

Until now I've been going through the motions of DBing and doing 180's, but I was still miserable.

In my mind I still thought I couldn't have a good life without my wife, and I was constantly thinking about her.

All these thoughts and my misery kept me from really fully implementing DBing and my 180's.

I was blaming myself completely for the failure of our marriage, when in fact both of us had something to do with it.

I don't what finally made it click in my head, but I've finally have truly detached from my wife. I think writing and reading on this forum, especially the articles about detahcment helped. But in the end I got tired of losing my diginity and being treated with no respect by my wife.

I feel like I no longer need her to be happy. If she ever decides that she wants to come back it will probably actually be difficult for me to accept because of the things she has done to me and the way she has treated me.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on our marriage, because I still think it is worth salvaging, but I'm never going to jump back into it without being 100% sure that it is what we both want and that it will be so much better then before.

Svejk

svejk, good for you. You seem to have a good perspective and view on thinks right now. You will be amazed how much easier and how much more progress DBing will make when you have a clear head.

Even though I feel like I've made a huge turn around in detaching from my Wife and finally giving her space, I have days like today where I really miss her. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to contact her anymore... I just want to leave her alone and give her the space she has been asking for.

But I have these horrible feelings that It took me too long to finally really implement what I should have been doing a few months ago, and it may be too late. Even if it's not too late I've certainly prolonged my agony by many months at the very least.

I feel like I've driven her towards the OM and now I'm afraid she is so emotionally and physically involved with him that she will have no thoughts for me unless something bad happens between them.

Just a word of advice for others on this forum: No matter how hard it may seem to implement, do what the Divorce Remedy books and experienced people on this forum say immediately or you will just be prolonging your agony and possibly ending a relationship that could have been saved. If your WAS asks for space, give it to them immediately and stop the calling/begging/pleading/snooping. GAL and get strong because this is the only chance you will have to win them back and make yourself a better person at the same time. Stop trying to control your WAS and work on yourself. I made so many mistakes that I'm lucky I'm not divorced already.

Everything you need to do is completely counterintuitive to what you feel like doing, but if you really want to win your WAS back you have to do whatever it takes to control the panic and fear of losing them, and then do the right thing.

Hopefully, I still have a chance, but my outlook is pretty bleak. I know I can handle whatever comes now, but I cannot forgive myself for not having the control and strength to do the right things much earlier in my sitch. Maybe I'm being to hard on myself, but I know if things don't work out I will have a hard time forgiving myself for not doing everything I could have done.

Svejk

That is truly DB words to live by. Very well put svejk.

I need some advice on how to respond to my wife in certain situations.

Occasionally she somes by or calls and tells me she misses me and is afraid of losing me. Of course her feelings change from day to day and I know not to read too much into it. I think she also says it to see how I will respond, because she wants to make sure I'm still in the palm of her hand.

Up until now I made the mistake of always validating her feelings by saying, "I miss you too, and you're not going to lose me." I think the right way to respond now is just to listen or say, "OK, I understand." This would be a huge 180 that would probably make her wonder.

But, what if she asks me somehing like, "Don't you miss me?" or "Don't you still love me?" Of course I still love her and miss her but I don't think I should tell her that.

So how should I respond to those types of questions?

Svejk