Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How do you resist contacting the OP?

From what I've read about your sitch, I don't think contacting OW would be a good idea. But if you do decide to do it don't expect to gain anything, and be prepared for possible backlash. Also, try to be very careful what you say... and realize it probably won't do a thing and you may or may not feel better afterwards.

Any idea why she left the first husband.... Alcoholism, drugs, physical abuse?????

I did call the OW. And let me say this: DON'T DO IT!

I told her off - I told her everything I thought. I didn't even take a breath (LOL) I just tore her a new one for a good minute (felt like a half hour but it really was about a minute). But I didn't swear, I didn't yell at her, I just calmly told her what I thought about the situation, what I thought about her, and told her to stay away from my husband. Her response was 8 little words that I have come to hate since then: "thank you for telling me how you feel" and then she hung up on me.

I gained no ground whatsoever. Additionally, it made no positive difference in the situation. My H still saw her, she still contacted my H and he rekindled the R with her -

Don't call the OP. You can resist the urge because you now KNOW that you will not be gaining anything. In fact the OP gains the upper hand and is going to continue doing what they are doing no matter what. You don't matter to the OP at all. The situation has nothing to do with you. You think you're involved, but in reality you aren't.

Write a letter and burn it, send an email to yourself, rant into a tape recorder, tell us what you want to say...just don't do it - it isn't worth it - BTDT and would never do it again!

Em

My H's brother is actually a psychiatrist. My BIL told my MIL NOT to talk badly to my H or his OW and certainly NOT to ever put them down. It only intesifies their underground attachment. Sounds crazy but it is crazy. He is a doctor and he is worried for his family too. My MIL is now suffering from depression.

I am in the same position as you because I think my H feels like he also rescued the OW.

Instead write your letter on my thread! It will purge your anger and resentment in public.

About resisting: Imagine telling the other OP your love history only to have them laugh. Imagine pouring out your heart only to have them look at you in apathy. Imagine how Britney Spears felt when Shar Jackson told her that she was pregnant with Kevin Federline's baby and that they already had a daughter together only to have Britney to say, "Me next!" The OP feel triumphant already. They are non issues. We must never be as low as them.

Write a Letter to the OW Here

I have two experiences of contacting/speaking to OW.

After our last split I confronted what I thought at the time was the first OW. She was older than us and a very successful business woman. I told her if she came near my H again I would make sure her neighbours all knew what she really was - a whore. It worked. BUT it was over before I found out. I also had nightmares about her and H sleeping together and everytime we were intimate I saw her face. I could quite literally picture her sat in my car on the way to work and sat on the end of my desk. It drove me insane. This took months to get over and was a very difficult time for me.

My Hs current OW is 26, he is 42. I haven't contacted her directly but they live together, are engaged (even though we haven't started D proceedings) and he also met her about a month after he left me. (at the point of leaving he was with a 22yr old whom I did contact but she didn't know it was me b/c i made out I had dialled a wrong number). My H initially insisted on bringing this OW to my sons sporting events etc and quite literally paraded her in front of me and the kids (much to everyone else's amazement and disgust!). I did confront her on at least one of these occassions and I certainly sent H several TMs referring to 'his whore' and other colourful names! It didn't work it just pushed them closer together. He is now so far up her a** that it will take surgery never mind a miracle to remove him. She has everything to gain by staying with him.

So my advice is the same as someone else's Ls: DON'T DO IT

You are absolutely right ACJ! Congrats on letting go. Your H sounds like a loon. but I guess mine does too!

that's the same reason my friend (a therapist) told me to start using OW's name, as opposed to whore and whatnot. at least to H. because it de-mystifies/normalizes her. it was really, really hard at first. I choked every time I said her name at first, but I did see her point.

Thank you all for your replies!

The moment I woke up today, those thoughts popped right back into my head, and I just wanted to roll over and go back to sleep and never wake up again because I couldn't face another whole day of obsessing over the topic. But reading your replies has made me feel a whole lot better, so thank you everyone, (and I'll definitely be stopping by to contribute to your letter thread, mkultra).


I honestly don't know. It's odd, because I can actually remember the day several years ago when MIL told us about how her friend's daughter and her husband were splitting up even though she'd just given birth to their baby. I can remember where I was sitting, and where MIL was standing. I can remember judging both OW and her H for being so selfish as to rob that poor child of his family just because they didn't want to be together anymore. But I can't remember if MIL gave any specific reasons as to why they were breaking up. I'm sure I would have remembered if she'd said something about abuse or drugs or anything like that, because it would have made me feel sorry for OW and I would have understood why she wanted out of the M.

I wouldn't contact her either. It will give them sooo much satisfaction and seem like H is something worth fighting over.

I am gutted this evening as my H has just asked my 11 YO son if he would like to meet OW. Son said YES. Now i feel like I am going to lose my child as well as my H.

NC

Ophelia, I read your thread over in separated, but the last time you updated was quite awhile ago. Whatever happened w/ the email/legal paper deal?

Ophelia-

I have to put the same 2 cents in that everyone else has. Don't contact her. She doesn't care. My H had an A about 6 years ago. I didn't contact her although it took everything I had not to. Since she lived in another state (5 hours driving time), my friends said.....maybe she doesn't know he's married. I found out that in fact she did know. She just didn't care. My H gave her everything she wanted & took her places. Why would she care....she's never been married, was getting what she wanted and didn't know what it felt like to have her heart ripped out.

Anyway, I suspect my H is having at the very least, an EA now with a former co-worker. We've spent time with her, her husband & their 4 children. I'm livid that another married woman would do this. I'm mad at my H for doing this when she has her own family too. Her husband is a great guy. I often think back to our conversations wondering if I ever said anything that she would have twisted around and said something to my H. Trust me, it's taking everything I have this time not to call her. I know that contacting her would completely blow any and all communication & relationship that we have.